[Chica2011]

This is a different than average question about trust. What my question has to do with is the lack of trust with his heart. Hhhhmmm… OK, so what I want to know is a relationship normal (or healthy) when he has been hurt badly enough from past relationships that he cannot and will not trust with his heart. My boyfriend will not ask me for what he wants or tell me what he needs, emotionally speaking. I view it as a lack of trust and with me. I believe it’s from a very abusive past relationship, which he has been out of for 4 years now. He & I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. We have made Huge strides so far, particularly from that abusive relationship. Part of the issue with the past one, is that he has a child with her and she has a lot to say about his life and the control of their child: visits, support, expenses, etc. We have been through an incredibly huge amount of stress in our time together and always come out just fine. There have been times we have both wondered how, but it works out in the end. To me, trust is a HUGE key in a relationship. I don’t know if this is because of her or me. Anyway, just some help would be greatly appreciated. I’m stressed over this. I love him very much, but I want to have an equal relationship. I suddenly feel like I am the only one taking and I can’t do that to him, or anyone. Thank you!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People have varying degrees of trust based on their pasts. It’s really hard to know if he’s mistrustful of you because of his mistrust of his ex or if he was even chose to be in an abusive relationship with her because of his history before her. In other words, it’s very hard for you to figure out where his issues come from. That’s his job.

I can tell you that dating a single father is a lot different than dating a man without children and custody battles, child support challenges and plain old co-parenting with an ex are all obstacles that take a lot of work and understanding and flexibility for people WITHOUT trust problems let alone with them.

When you write that you want an “equal” relationship, I’m not really sure what that means. Maybe you can let me know some specifics of problems you’re having. Fill me in a little more. 🙂

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