[CASnarl]

Hi there, I’ve never posted on anything like this before so if I do something wrong please let me know.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months now, and have had several conversations about sex. We haven’t had sex yet because I haven’t wanted to. I didn’t understand why, so I couldn’t tell him why. But he just kept saying things like “well we will eventually” and things. However, I have given him oral a number of times “to make up for it”. I don’t mind doing that, I just don’t want to have sex.
We kept having conversations about it and he kept assurinf he wouldn’t leave but that “at some point he would need it” so that I’d have to at some point. I told him how much him saying things like that upset me and he stopped.
A few weeks ago during one such conversation I told him I believed I was asexual. I had been reading up on it a lot and it seemed to fit my views towards sex pretty well. I never have wanted to have sex before. It just hasn’t ever occured to me and when I do think about it I don’t want to do it.
He told me that it was okay and that he was happy with just oral.
However, the other night we were talking about it again and he said two things that really hit me. He said that he was “doing his best to cope” and that “at some point he would need it”. And so I am wondering if it is even possible to have a relationship like this where one person wants sex and the other doesn’t. I think the only way it would is for one of us to give in, but I feel like sex is such a huge thing that if I don’t want to do it that I can’t make myself. But the idea of him “coping” makes me feel like a bad girlfriend, and just the undertone to “at some point” makes me feel like he will reach a point in the future where he’ll just dump me to go have sex with somebody.
Aside from this, our relationship is perfect and he is an amazingly sweet and loving and caring boyfriend. We never fight (yet), and when sex isn’t a topic of discussion we get along really well and we cuddle and kiss a lot.
Really the only thing that I can see would ruin the relationship is me not wanting to have sex.
I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fill me in a little more. How old are you both? Do you have any medical issues? And what’s your dating history like?

[CASnarl]

He’s 21, I’m 20.
I don’t have any medical issues. I simply identify as asexual.

I don’t have much dating history. Many of my relationships have been long distance so sex wasn’t something I had to worry about.
The last guy I did have sex with it was painful, and I never wanted to do it it seemed like a waste of time and I just let it happen and didn’t enjoy it.
I have tried my hardest to not have sex since and in the past it has caused several relationships not to even begin.

[CASnarl]

Forgot to add…my last sexual experience I was 17. So three years ago.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information. I’m not a physician, so I can’t address any medical issues here, but you’re young, and you haven’t had a lot of experience in general, so while it’s great to be open minded about yourself and your identity, I’d encourage you to continue to stay open-minded as you accrue life experience. It sounds like the one sexual experience you did have wasn’t a good one in that it was painful, and that alone may be enough to make you wary of sex again. There are many reasons why it may have been painful, and whenever there is physical pain in your life, I’d suggest you see a doctor or a medical professional. That you write that you’re trying hard not to have sex is of concern. It makes me think you’re trying not to have pain — not sex.

You’re going to run into compatibility issues in relationships if you don’t want to have sex, because most people want a partner who will want to have sex with them. So, you can either look for others who are not interested in sex, or focus on exploring what’s going on with you so you can learn more about your body and your self. I don’t think this particular relationship you’re in is going to work out because he wants to have intercourse as a part of the relationship and you don’t. For him, this is a deal breaker, and it seems like it is for you, too. I know you don’t want to lose him, but you’re both facing relationship deal breakers and unless one of you is willing to work around the other’s “terms”, this won’t work. I’m sorry — and I hope you’ll be open minded in your exploration of your self. 😉

[Member]

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