[Anonymous]

I don’t know why I did this, so please do not judge me. Some of you may think I am crazy, desperate maybe, and may even feel sympathy for me. But rest assured, I made these choices and am prepared to face the consequences…

I met my boyfriend on a dating website. He then came over to my house, we instantly clicked and had an intense connection. After this, we spent days on end with each other, however, despite my strong chemistry with him, I felt a lack of trust…I felt that he could have the potential to be unfaithful. So, four days after he asked me to be his girlfriend, I tested him. I created a fake account and sent inappropriate pictures to him, and he agreed to meet up with this fake person I created for sex. I was a virgin at this four day interval when I was in a relationship with him, so I felt in order to prevent him from wanting to get with other girls, I had to eventually give in to him. Even after his agreement to meet up for sex with this fake girl (even though it never happened…because, well..she was FAKE), I still decided to lose my virginity to him. I felt an incredible low sense of self worth after knowing that he could potentially cheat on me if I remained a virgin. The funny thing is, I use to be the greatest advocater for keeping one’s virginity and waiting until marriage. I use to believe it was sacred and your first time was suppose to be romantic and amazing. After I met my boyfriend, he somehow convinced me that sex was not that big of a deal, that all my thoughts regarding it were insignificant. This is when I re-evaluated what sex meant. I thought to myself, maybe sex is not a spectacle…an event that I will look forward to that has to be romantic. Maybe sex is just a part of growing. So I was curious, and lost my virginity to him based on all these accounts.

On yet ANOTHER side of things, it’s been 8 months with my present boyfriend, and I cannot seem to get rid of my lack of trust. When he is on msn 24/7 I constantly wonder…is he talking to girls like the fake one I created 7 months ago??? Or is he content with me because he does not need to look for sex and is satisfied with me? To this day I have constant doubts. These doubts escalate when me and my boyfriend are apart. On another note…this october, I found a picture of a girl in underwear sent to his “recieved files”…there were two pictures dated from September and one from October. I confronted him about these pictures and wanted to end the relationship because I was betrayed a second time… but he convinced me that the girl just sent the pictures to gain attention from him after my boyfriend put up a picture of myself and him kissing. I am really confused and because I like him so much, it is hard to think logically. Maybe he was telling the truth?

Consequently, because of all this, I tend to hold back my feelings with him, I have a fence built up because I do not want to get hurt. I really really like my boyfriend but I fear that he will eventually cheat on me. I would appreciate your comments and suggestions on this to help me. Because of this, I have been struggling in school because I feel a low sense of self-worth . I tried confronting my boyfriend about the past…and said that a “psychic” told me that he was going to potentially cheat on me. But he never admitted to it. My question, in addition to the others in this rant…is how can I marry someone that is not truthful to me? It is hard because I really like him but I’m confused..do I listen to my heart or my head?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s my advice: Break up with this guy and focus on school right now. If you meet someone in real life who you know and have a history with, or with whom your friends know and have a history with, you’ll have a better chance of trusting him because he’s a known entity. But you need to focus on yourself right now, and not this bad relationship you’re in. 😳

What you’ve done is choose someone who you know has cheated on you to fulfill some deep seeded problem you have about needing to be cheated on to prove you’re not worthy of a loyal man.

I hope you can get out of this relationship and start living a healthy life one day at a time. Let me know how things go, and I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot!) on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts