[katwarrener]

Hi all.
I just found out that my partner of eight years cheated on me a few months back. He is the father of my children but this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. It happens when he panics about something. This time it was because I’d had a major operation (had my bowel removed) and he couldn’t handle the fact that I couldn’t do any lifting for a month after the operation. So he had to do all the childcare and housework due to doctors orders. He did dump me for a few months but then begged for another chance claiming he would change and that it was just a mid-life crisis moment. What I want to know is what would you do if you were in my situation. It hurt when he broke things off but as time went on I got over it. It’s only when I told him I was ready to move on with my life that he changed his tune but as I just found out that’s also when the girl he was cheating with dumped him so I think he’s just clinging to me hoping to keep me even though he has wronged me. I have never cheated on him just so you know so it’s not a revenge thing. I’m not happy and I’ve now been diagnosed with major depression because of everything that has happened. And he knows I’m not happy but basically doesn’t care as he put it ‘he wants to be happy with me’. I feel I will never trust him again because of what he did. I try to talk to him about it but he avoids it and makes me feel like it’s my fault that we went through this even though I know it’s not my fault.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also please do not hesitate to ask further questions if it will help. I’ll try to be as helpful as possible.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you let me know a little more about the situation, that would help! How old are you both? Are you married? Live together? How many children do you have? And when you write about his cheating, you mention that this isn’t the first time he’s done “something like this”, so I’m getting the feeling that this has been going on since before you moved in together. Am I right? How many times would you say he’s cheated on you, and when did it start?

I hope you can answer my questions, and then I’ll give you my best advice. 😀

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[katwarrener]

I am 24 he is 26.
Unmarried.
Renting on a joint tenancy.
Two children. One girl 4 and one boy 2.
Yes he first cheated a year into our relationship when we were both living with our parents.
We’ve been together since 2005.
He has cheated with four different girls that I know of. The first time was in 2007, then in 2008 after we moved out of our parents and in with each other, then again in 2009 not long after we moved from my home town to his, then the most recent was September 2013 just after my major operation
Hope this helps. If you need more information I’ll try my best to provide it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you. 🙂

So, here’s the deal: You’re 24 and have been with this guy for eight years, since you were 16 years old. He’s cheated on you from the get go. And you’re aware that there are four women he’s cheated on you with, and that that’s just whom you know of. There may be more. The unfortunate part is that you chose to have kids with him, knowing about two or three of the women, and maybe more.

The real question is why you’re writing to me now. It sounds like he hasn’t changed at all — but maybe you have. You may be reaching your line in the sand. I’m very sorry you’re depressed, but your emotional reaction is actually appropriate. You’ve chosen a guy who cheats, to have kids with, and you’re disappointed that he didn’t change or he’s not different. The question now is, will you change?

I’m not sure why the two of you never married after eight years, but it sounds like he’s not someone who wants a commitment. And I think you, do — if not legally, at least emotionally and socially. He isn’t going to give you what you want, and the ball’s in your court. You can stay and expect the same behavior from him, but learn to temper yours and accept that he won’t be faithful. Or you can move on, and try to be a great single mother and co-parent, and eventually, start dating, but this time, take what you’ve learned and apply it to your choices in men. 😀

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[katwarrener]

Thank you.
I was having trouble because according to him it’s not cheating because he didn’t have sex (I have to take his word for this except the most recent one) but he did touch them and kiss them etc and when it happened in the past he had what seemed to be legitimate reasons behind doing it but now looking back they seem like excuses.
You have helped me a lot.
And you are right I have always wanted to get married ever since I was little and a bridesmaid at my aunties wedding.
I just need to call off the relationship now, because I feel that it will happen again and I am tired of feeling like I’m second best.
Wish me luck I think I’ll need it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I wish you luck, but what you’ll really need is focus, determination and drive. Keep your eye on the ball — which is providing a good home for your children that is an honest and loving one. Your kids will look to you to model their future relationships, and it’s important you give them a good model of how to love, respect and honor each other. This relationship isn’t that, and your kids probably know more than you realize — but I think you will find one that will serve you and them — if you’re willing to do the work. 😉

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[lindasaw358]

Definitely it’s not your fault. it his fault. He is not trustworthy and unfaithful in you.
Leave him, he just hurt you again and again. Move on and learn from it.
Glad that you are not married to that kind of guy. Spend your time with your two kids, focus your time with them.
Get him lost.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[katwarrener]

Things are going pretty well. I have since left my ex partner. Sadly he got custody of the children due to the fact that I was deemed an unfit mother because of a suicide attempt. I started seeing a friend shortly afterwards. To start off with we were just friends with benefits. We’ve been friends since we were 18 and there has always been attraction there for us both. Now my depression is under control, I’ve not tried to commit suicide since and he just confessed that he loves me and that one day if I want it he wants to make an honest woman of me lol. We’re now solely exclusive to each other and we get on amazingly. Slowly I’m getting my life back on track and I’m so pleased about it too

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very pleased for you, as well! 😀

[Natalie Noah]

What stands out most in this entire story is how consistent the pattern was and how hard you tried to explain it away while it was happening. From the very beginning, his response to stress, responsibility, or fear was to escape rather than step up. Cheating wasn’t a one-time mistake or a “midlife crisis.” It was his coping mechanism. When life asked more of him illness, children, commitment he chose avoidance and betrayal. That matters, because patterns tell the truth long before promises ever do.

Another deeply important layer here is how your pain was repeatedly minimized and reframed as your fault. He avoided conversations, blamed circumstances, and even tried to redefine cheating to protect himself. That kind of emotional gaslighting slowly erodes confidence and self-trust. It’s not surprising that your mental health suffered living in a relationship where your reality is constantly questioned is profoundly destabilizing. Your depression wasn’t a weakness; it was a response to sustained emotional harm.

What’s especially heartbreaking is that you stayed not because you were naïve, but because you hoped for your children, for the life you imagined, for the version of him he claimed he could be. Wanting marriage, stability, and loyalty isn’t asking too much. You were asking the wrong person. And when you finally reached your limit, it wasn’t anger that moved you forward, it was exhaustion. That’s often the moment real change begins.

The later part of your journey is complex and tender. Losing custody under such painful circumstances is devastating, but it doesn’t erase your growth or your recovery. You sought help. You stabilized your mental health. You rebuilt your life step by step. That takes courage most people never have to summon. Healing isn’t linear, and it doesn’t require perfection, it requires persistence, which you clearly showed.

The relationship you found afterward reflects something crucial: when you are treated with consistency, honesty, and affection, you don’t have to beg for love or doubt your worth. Love feels safer. Calmer. Mutual. The most important takeaway isn’t that life “worked out,” but that you chose yourself. And that choice painful, brave, and necessary is what truly changed everything.

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