[anagumm]

Dear April,

Hi! I’m Andrea and I am 23 years old. For the past 10 months, I’ve been dating a German guy in a long distance relationship basis, after having been previously in a relationship with him for about a month or so back in 2009. We actually met online around 5 years ago and 2 years after that, he decided to come down to Costa Rica (where I live) from Germany for a volunteer program and to meet each other in person. long story short, it didn’t work out. I was his first girlfriend and he was much too clingy for my taste, and had acted in ways that I considered rude and arrogant around me and my family. After that, years went by and in 2011, we started getting back on a talking basis. Eventually, the idea came around that it would be neat if I headed there for a few weeks to visit him and to see a European country for the first time. Around this time, as well, I started developing feelings for him again and was excited at the prospect that maybe after a long time, we both would have been different and things might work out this time.

So, I went to Germany and unoficially (because it was just after a moment of kissing and realizing we were still attracted to each other) we ended up being together, something that was so rushed and unspoken that I sometimes feel bad about it. We hung out for two weeks, in which everything went mostly smoothly, and I had to go back home, having no choice but going into a long distance thing.

He recently came to visit me about a month ago and everything was okay except for a few issues which include:

We’re both quiet people. I’m not sure if I could consider myself a full introvert but I do know that I feel uncomfortable taking control of a conversation and having to do most of the talking (unless I’m with children). That’s fine for me in my environment, as my family is absolutely crazy and there’s never a quiet moment between us. The same goes for most of my friends. But with him…it’s not so comfortable and this is something that has bothered me since the beggining of the relationship. The guy is not a big talker, and is also uncomfortable taking control of a conversation (sometimes, and when it was really bad, leaving me to do all the talking, [i]even in public settings like restaurants and walks outside[/i]…and I’m not a big talker! 🙁 ). We’ve had some conflict because of this, as I’ve told him how much it bothers me and makes me feel that I’m carrying the emotional weight, but haven’t honestly come to a compromise, except the fact that it’s getting a little better and conversation runs a bit more smoothly now than when we started.

But to this day this still drives me crazy, because:

-Sometimes, because he doesn’t react to the way I’m used to when I get excited about things, I feel indifference on his part, which just leads to more awkwardness. Also, i worry that he might not be accepting and appreciating me for who I am. I have a problem for taking things too personally, and this just triggers it so I also get angry.
-I’ve developed a certain kind of fear to speak about things I like around him, fearing that he might not act as interested as what I’m used to/imagine and avoding being hurt and feeling uncomfortable. That makes me really sad and inhibited…and it’s sort of developed into an obsession, really, because I start to analyze all of his responses with me and get extremely sensitive at him being quiet or not being excited.
-Of course, there are cultural differences between us, and honestly that could have a lot to do with it. But coming from somebody who has always described herself as being “multicultural” (I grew up in the US), it’s strange that cultural differences should bother me so much.
-And from all this, I start to rack my head trying to figure out what’s going on, and how I can resolve it. I’ve tried talking to him about it (but maybe not enough or in a wrong angle), I’ve tried not letting it bother me (which has worked a little so far)…but I’ve even gotten to the point, now, that maybe it’s an issue of compatability?

And that’s where the second issue ties in: expecations. I’ve though, maybe my problem is that I put too many expecations as to how a relationship should be with me, based on what I feel most comfortable and safe around. It is my first time in something serious, after all. But is it too much to ask for in a relationship that the conversation always run naturally and smoothly and never being afraid of saying what’s on your mind? I almost think that’s got a lot to do with it because sometimes, when I talk to him, I try to imagine us on a friendship level and things seems okay, communication wise. And that’s becaue the weight of his words and how he says them don’t weigh on me, and I don’t feel hurt. But it’s not healthy to think this way and I shouldn’t do it for a long time.

Maybe it’s got something to do with trust as well, as I’ve never been one to develop a lot of friendships and have always been rather shy with people outside of my family. I’ve heard that letting go of expecations requires that you put your needs out there…and that has a feeling of vulnerability effect that maybe I’m not ready for. Which is why I like guys who are with me to take the lead…because it reassures me that everything is going to be okay and that I’m not going to get hurt.

From thinking about this for so long, the result is that I’ve developed torn feelings for him and a lot of anxiety (even when I think about him). I know I really care for him, April, and he still makes me feel happy and warm on the inside…but with this problem at hand, I really can’t see how I can be in a succesful relationship for a long period. And that breaks my heart. Because it’s almost like emotional whiplash: the moments in which I’m not talking to him or in contact, I say to myself that this just isn’t working out and that I should just end it and get it over with. But I talk to him, and though it may still be a little strange, I feel good and hopeful, feeling that we can overcome this. And this has gone on for weeks and it’s making me sick. He loves me very very much and I know this (and sometimes wonder if the fact that I don’t feel the same emotional commitment to him is what prevents me from fully accepting him as he is). He’s sweet, he’s caring, he’s funny…but this really has got me stuck between a rock and hard place. Am I overreacting/being neurotic? Is this normal in relationships at first? Should I take a different approach and be patient (which is part of what love is about, isn’t it?) or just painfully accept that this isn’t good for me? What should I even feel? How should communication be between a good couple?

Help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It really sounds like you rushed things and jumped into a long distance relationship, and are now trying to make it work instead of deciding if this is someone you should continue dating. The long distance component puts pressure on you to be in the relationship or out of it. If you were both in town, you’d be playing the field and dating more casually, deciding if this is someone to continue to invest time and energy in.

My advice is that you stop trying to make things work and instead stand back and see if they are working. Invest less in the outcome and more in the process.

If you have communication problems and you feel unappreciated and that he’s non-responsive to you, you may decide that you’re incompatible. In fact if you’ve developed a fear of speaking around him, that would seem to be a reason not to date him.

Stop trying to fix something that isn’t broken because it was never whole…. and instead, sit back and see if this is something that can work — because right now, there’s not evidence that it can.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[anagumm]

In practical terms, what do you mean with standing back and seeing if the relationship is working? Do you mean, being less focused on trying to communicate with him and making the environment pleasant and just relax and seeing what happens from a third person point of view, almost?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re uncomfortable taking the lead in conversations, don’t. And if the conversation doesn’t flow between the two of you, and that’s enough of a deal breaker for you, then accept it. You said you feel like you’re carrying the emotional weight in the relationship — stop doing it. Just let it go and see what’s actually there between the two of you.

You don’t have to be a third party — you’re in the relationship, so see what it looks like if you stop trying to control and steer it — from your point of view. Sometimes people see problems in a relationship and decide to fix them. The bigger problem becomes clear when the other person isn’t interested in fixing the problem or doesn’t even see the problem as a problem.

And if you’re afraid to talk about things in front of him, honestly, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. 😳 It doesn’t sound like you know each other all that well, and being long distance makes it harder to get to know each other. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Instead take this relationship a little more lightly and continue to decide if this is someone you want to be with or not. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts