[shaner]

Hi i cant believe it came to this but everyone but my girlfriend agrees with me. My girlfriend and i have been dating for 4 months. Before that she said she wasnt ready for a relationship. I told her give it a chance. she began to like me and we became a couple a week later. Four months go by and we are still together. As im typing. A week or two ago i knew something was up because she was being distant and fighting with me over little things and it made feel like something was going on that she wouldnt tell me about. I decided to go through phone while she was asleep and found messages to her ex boyfriend with dirty photos of herself sent to him. I didnt read all the messages because i instantly lost it and woke her up asking “why?” as she took the phone and deleted them before i could read all of it. She did it because we were fighting and certain things i said and it may have been wrong what i said but i dont think two wrongs make a right. She tells me “he is an ex” and will stop texting him and leaves me with the mindset that he knew about me being the boyfriend and still got in between us. Later on she starts talking to him again. I find out and then agree to let them talk as long as she can be faithful. I found texts from each other saying things like, “babe”, “sweetcheeks”, “i miss you”. I ask about it and she says that she says stuff like that to everyone. Later on I find out he had no idea about me. She then tells me what i believe to be the truth (but i dont know that). “He really is an ex. He had no idea she was with me.” They were talking way before i came into the picture. They stopped talking sometime before i did. We ended up living together at her moms and decided to move to her gramparents 12 hours away so she can find a job. Sometime before we moved they started talking out of the blue for the first time when we were together. He started calling her his girlfriend. She doesnt tell him about me but goes with it. fast forward to now after he found out about me because messaged him to back off. He then blows her phone up asking about it and she tells him its a joke. She tells me everything about how it all happened the way i told you it really happened. She says she wont tell him the truth because she doesnt want to hurt him because his grampa is dying and other excuses. They are still talking and it HURTS me to know that. She told me that she will break it off with him when the time is right. If im correct wouldnt it be worse to keep lying to him and lead him on and tell him probably making things worse? I told her how hurt i am that she doesnt want to lose him as a friend keep talking to him and how she shouldnt. She keeps her phone on lock. I thinkits stupid because we lvive together and there should be no secrets. She says she doesnt know how to tell him and honestly cant. I asked if i could do it cause i would know how to. Does she really care about me if she knows it hurts me? Does she even want to break it off? What do i do to convince her? What would be something you would tell her yourself if you had and opinion on the whole situation? Im broken and dont know what to do. Do you think she will ever stop talking to him. She said she doesnt want to hurt him neither.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is that you recognize that she’s interested in this other guy. Rather than trying to force her to stop talking to him, understand that the two of you have only been dating for four months. This is very early in any relationship. I always recommend that people use the first three months of dating to get to know each other, and if they want to continue dating, use the second six months to decide if they want to be monogamous. You’re in that second three month period, and you’re realizing that she doesn’t want to be monogamous, which is your cue to try to win her over, if you still want her — not force her to stop talking to this guy. 😉

If you change your tactic and realize that the two of you are still getting to know each other, and you’ve got to step up your game if you want her to be all yours, you won’t feel that this is complicated. 🙂

I hope that that helps.

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