[Lula]

Dear April,
My best friend Aly is interested in an older guy, and I don’t know if I should voice my concerns.

She’s a senior in college. This summer she started hanging out a lot with a director at the camp we work at. They eventually kissed, and are still in contact through text to the point of meeting up next month. The thing is, he’s 15 years older and was our boss.

On one hand he’s a good guy, they seem to care about each other, be having fun and not taking it too seriously. On the other, there are some things I find concerning.

Firstly, he broke up last year with a woman his age (and his “status” at camp), and some of the other bosses including his ex (who knows nothing and Aly is still friends with) might frown on his and Aly’s new “thing”. Although it’s flirty and fun I know they also really care about each other. Why potentially make each other look bad/unprofessional? How would she handle the stigma if things got serious?

Second is the age gap. Aly can certainly hold her own but there’s no getting around that he is mid-30’s while she is early-20’s. Him being our boss makes the power imbalance greater. Is their dynamic inherently unhealthy?

Should I be more open-minded? Supportive? Does this all sound unhealthy or normal? Should I say something as a friend? Is it possible they could start a good relationship? Should I keep quiet but prepare to support her through a train wreck if this ends poorly? Or should I trust that they are both good people and will work it out without anyone else prying into their business?

Thanks,
Lula

[AskApril Masini]

This all falls within the realm of normal. As a friend, you should definitely be honest and express your concern, but you shouldn’t create drama where there is none. 😕 For what it’s worth, I don’t think the age gap or the fact that your friend’s love interest is her summer camp boss, are problems unless the camp has a policy that adults are not allowed to date each other. They’re both single and they’re both over the age of 18 — and unless your state has some law about not dating 18 year olds, I don’t see the issue. I appreciate that you’re concerned about your friend getting hurt, but be careful that you’re not moralizing about a situation that isn’t yours to moralize on. 😉 So, do be a good friend and let her know how you feel, but also tell her that you’ll support her and be there for her because she’s your friend. 😉

[Sally]

The age gap and the boss thing don’t automatically make him a villain, but they do make the situation heavier. There’s more risk for her, socially and emotionally. That’s just real life. Power stuff always shows up eventually, even when it starts fun and easy.

I don’t think you need to lecture her or warn her like it’s doomed. That usually just makes people dig in harder. But you can ask gentle questions. Stuff like how she feels about the work dynamic, or what she thinks happens if it gets serious. Let her talk.

Sometimes being a good friend isn’t stopping the train. It’s walking alongside it, with your eyes open, ready if it derails.

[Tara]

A man in his mid-30s does not accidentally fall into something with a college senior who reports to him. He chose someone younger, subordinate, and convenient because women his age see through him. Power imbalance isn’t a theory here; it’s the entire foundation. He had authority, experience, status, and nothing to lose. She had youth, admiration, and everything to misinterpret.

The fact that he’s willing to risk his reputation at work tells you something important: either he lacks impulse control or he doesn’t take the consequences seriously because they won’t land on him the same way they’ll land on her. Guess who gets labeled naive if this blows up. Guess who gets called unprofessional? It won’t be him.
Is it inherently unhealthy? Yes. Not because of age alone, but because timing plus power plus secrecy is how bad dynamics start. Healthy relationships don’t need hush-hush meetings and crossed boundaries to survive.

Could it work? Anything can technically work if you lower standards enough. That’s not the bar. The bar is judgment. And his judgment is already questionable.
As a friend, you don’t need to lecture or meddle. You say one clear thing once: that the power imbalance and workplace fallout are real, and she should go in with her eyes open. Then you step back. If she ignores it, that’s her choice. If it crashes, you support her, not the fantasy, her.

Being open-minded doesn’t mean being blind. Staying quiet doesn’t mean pretending this is normal. And trusting that “good people will figure it out” is how smart women end up cleaning up messes they didn’t create.

[Member]

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