[Anemia]

Hi April,
I’m in my freshmen year in university, and I met this guy at a fresher’s party a few weeks ago who’s in his 3rd year. Coming from the same city, we naturally clicked, and just started talking for the rest of the night. After that, he would text me, and not only would he attend the same parties that I went to, but he would also hang around with me and my first year friends. One night, when I got a little too drunk, his hand was around my waist for the rest of the night, and he even took me back to my dorm room. He’s super nice to me, buys me drinks, helps me when I need him, so naturally I started to have feelings for him bordering beyond friendship but not exactly quite there yet. I invited him to go to a birthday party of a friend, which was entirely attended by freshmen only, and he agreed to go, even if he didn’t know anyone there. I was extremely confused by the fact that he would want to go to a party where he only knew me, and while we were dancing and hugging, I told him that I think I like him. However, his immediate response was: “Joe and Abby (his two friends in the same year as he is in) like me too”. Thinking that he friend-zoned me, I laughed it off and said “haha okay!”. After that moment it was just awkward between both of us. 2 days after the incident, he invited me to watch a movie, just the two of us. Going to the movie felt like just going between 2 friends and I didn’t understand why he wanted to do that on a weekday, having little to no experience with relationships or men. He would not make it clear whether or not he liked me or not at all, I can’t tell from his actions. I would still text him and everything but our conversations just got awkward to the point we were just talking about what time we slept/woke up and I just felt really uncomfortable with our conversations from then on. I was just wondering if it would be possible for you to decipher his train of thought? I think I’m going to end up really liking this guy, because I get really happy when he’s around and I really like hanging out with him. Also is it possible for me to stop feeling awkward and uncertain around him? What should I do? Thank you in advance! (Sorry if this doesn’t really make any sense, as you can tell I’m too confused to even contextualize my current situation)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You made a mistake when you told him you liked him. 😳 You didn’t really know each other that well, and he was just figuring out if he liked you enough to commit to getting involved or not. For future, don’t make the first move — whether it’s telling someone you like him or asking him out on a date. Guys want to be the ones to do the chasing, and when you take that opportunity away from them by jumping the gun, they back off. They feel like they’re being pursued, and they don’t like it.

[quote] Also is it possible for me to stop feeling awkward and uncertain around him? What should I do? [/quote]

You’ll get more relaxed the more you put yourself out there — I know that sounds contradictory, but having experience talking to guys, flirting with guys, being in social situations with guys, dating guys, etc. is the best way to gain confidence. There’s no shortcut. But…. I can tell you that you’re not the first or last person to feel awkward around someone you like. 😉 The trick is not to act on every impulse you have. It’s like a discipline. You can feel awkward, but the trick is not to ACT awkward — and if you do, it’s okay. It happens, but less so, the more experience you have.

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[Anemia]

Thank you very much for your reply and advice. In all honesty, I was actually a bit intoxicated when I “confessed” (I tend to have this annoying habit of blurting out everything that’s on my mind and making dumb choices when I drink) and realized I had made a mistake the next morning. So when he asked me to the movie a week ago, I decided to take that opportunity to apologize to him (thinking that he friend zoned me anyways) and said that I was acting stupid that night and sorry for any trouble I caused him. He responded with, no it’s okay you were just having fun. And we never spoke of it again. I’ll make a mental note not to do that ever again, as it may easily have been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, so thank you for this advice!

I haven’t spoken to him since last week, due to the fact that we’re both medical students and extremely busy all the time, and also because he has made no initiative to start a conversation, and I’m honestly scared to. Is this a sign that he doesn’t like me anymore, and that he doesn’t even want to be friends? Or is he just busy and didn’t have time to contact me? I am perfectly fine with getting over him (in fact I may already be), and not talking to him again, since I have other friends, as well as an extremely heavy workload.

The thing is that I actually don’t know what it is like to be interested in someone romantically (they’re mostly just crushes or in an instance like this, I was just not used to being taken care of by someone of the opposite sex and confused that with love). I’m scared that in the future, this may happen again, because I’m honestly sick and tired of believing that I like someone, and realizing (when I think about it rationally) that I never did. I have a lot of friends who are guys, and who I am comfortable hanging around with. In fact, back in high school, I hung around guys more than I did girls (but naturally they treat me as “one of the guys”). I truly apologize for asking more questions but how will I know when I really like someone (and not out of superficiality), and what could I do to flirt (since my “flirting” is really just me being myself..)?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your questions are good ones, and I know you’re in medical school, and you’re busy, but you should read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to date smart. You can buy it as an automatic downloaded e-book here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Some of it may seem basic, but the basics are actually very important and a lot harder to implement than to read about. 😉

As to your specific situation, let go and move on with this guy. It’s not your job to get into his head — he’s chilly to you, and if he’s interested, you’ll know because he’ll ask you out on a date. But… if you’re one of the guys and someone who’s always available for a last minute movie or burger, he doesn’t have to ask you out on a date, and you’ll stay in this limbo where you’re confused about his feelings. So change YOUR behavior by backing off, flirting with him if he shows interest (to show your interest as a romantic date — not a quasi-gal pal) and accepting any dates he may ask you on so you can enjoy [i]the process[/i] of dating which is how you get to know if you like someone or not. 🙂

My guess, based on your posts, is that you’ve focused a lot on school, and haven’t had a lot of dating experience — which is fine — as long as you’re self-aware. Dating is a process where you decide if you like someone enough to continue spending time with them, and getting involved emotionally. You can’t know if you like someone or not until you spend time with them — but you can have a list of what you think you’re looking for in a boyfriend or husband, and a list of what you think you have to offer someone… and then you look for compatibility, or the intersection of your two lists, like in a Venn diagram.

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