[desperateforanswers]

I have been married for almost three years, but have been with my husband off and on for almost thirteen years. I have grown to resent our marriage so much. We have three children together. I have given up a lot of myself to raise our children, take care of our home and to take care of him. All I have been trying to get from him is some help in raising our children and taking care of our home. I am a stay at home mom because our youngest daughter has medical issues and is unable to be around large groups of people or go to daycare to lower her risks of infections. In order to help out financially I watch a friends two children because I can control the situation if they are sick they don’t come to my house. I stay home typically 24/7, the only time I leave is after I put the children to bed and I go grocery shopping. I don’t take time to do things for myself, because honestly there isn’t enough time in my days to do so or enough money for that matter. I get no appreciation, no compliments, nothing. I just keep giving of myself. For my children I accept that, they will appreciate what I do for them eventually, I love them dearly. I even get yelled at by my husband for being what he says is “too nice” to people. Well I have given him the ultimatum of counseling or divorce. I know he can change, if he was willing too, but he refuses to go to counseling. So in the mean time while I am trying to prepare to be on my own with three children I have asserted myself and gone out once with friends. Am I being unreal? Am I being selfish? I am feeling guilty that I have made a decision to try and be happy, but for me to be happy it is tearing my family apart? I don’t want my girls watching what I put up with and in return one day they deal with it. Our oldest daughter even apologizes for how mean her dad is to me. I just need some input or advice and to see if I am doing the right thing or if I should stick it out and try to make it work! Please help! One thing I forgot to mention too is, he makes fun of me because I have lost all my sex drive towards him. I can’t help that I have no desire to be with someone intimately who treats me the way he does. Am I crazy for that as well?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, give me a little information on what your husband contributes to the family. Is he a good breadwinner? Or is he sitting home, unemployed? I get it that he’s not helping out with the kids, but be fair and tell me what he actually does do. 😉

Second, it sounds like you’re very overwhelmed with your responsibilities, and you need a break — whether you’re with your husband or someone else — and certainly if you get divorced, you’ll DEFINITELY need a break.

Third, it sounds like there’s no sex in your marriage, and regardless of the reason, this is going to hurt your husband and you, and there’s going to be anger and fighting over it.

Fourth, it sounds like you have a lot of complaints about your husband, but aside from taking care of your children and contributing financially, I’m not sure how you perceive yourself as a wife. Men need attention. They need compliments. They need sex. They need to feel like they’re your hero. They want to feel wanted by you. Before you start saying that you have reasons for not doing any of this, take a breath, and understand that his needs aren’t getting met in the marriage, either.

You’re both in a stalemate, and counseling isn’t the answer. Changing your behavior is. When you start taking care of yourself, and then him, he’s going to start taking care of you — because he wants to.

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[desperateforanswers]

As far as breadwinner? Depends on how you want to define it. Yes he makes more money than I do obviously, does he make enough to support our family comfortably? No. He has passed up jobs to make more money and provide the benefits we need because he “likes his job”. (by benefits I mean health insurance). I have offered to go back to work and let him stay home with the kids (during the day it is just our youngest the older two are in school) but he doesn’t want to do that. Yes he is a good father when he wants to be. He is mostly the playmate when he isn’t too busy watching sports or playing on his play station.

This is point blank what he does for our family. He goes to work, comes home makes a plate of food, brings it down to his spot, showers then returns to his spot and sits there all night. This is the typical routine for him.

I know I need a break and have reached my breaking point where I just have the attitude of “I don’t care” towards him. There was a point where I cared and told him every day I loved him and sent him quirky texts throughout the day to make him feel wanted and let him know I appreciate him.

There is no sex in our marriage. I will be the first to admit that. I will also admit I know I am not a “perfect wife”. I am not trying to say that I am at all, but I am willing to try and make changes to be better I just don’t know how/what to change.

I guess I have a hard time making him feel like a “hero” because he isn’t my hero lately or making him feel wanted because I simply just don’t want him. I try to want him, but I just can’t bring myself to, I am resenting him to much to let other feelings in again. I guess I have it in my head that I already feel like a single parent so I might as well be one. Which I know is a ridiculous thing to think but that’s why I came here for advice. I don’t know what/how to change to make it work.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The first thing to change is to get yourself some relief. Ask family and friends to spell you regularly. Have grandparents take the kids for the weekend. Have him take the kids. Find a way to get out of the house on a regular basis to take care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’re having your nails done, walking in the park by yourself, or sipping a latte in a coffee shop. You need to get back to a sense of yourself that is not simply mother and housekeeper.

Next, let the house go. In the scheme of things, your energy level and sense of being overwhelmed is a lot more important than dishes in the sink.

Third, delegate chores to your children to make things easier for you. It’s good for them to pitch in and support you and it gives them self esteem.

Understand that this process of getting yourself back is not going to happen overnight. So be patient, but be diligent. If you don’t respect yourself and your time, nobody else will.

Then, and I know this sounds foreign right now, implement a date night with your husband, where the two of you go out and have fun. Dinner. Coffee. Drinks. Bowling. Movies. You have to find a way to have fun together and reconnect as romantic partners, not just two adults running a home together. And, again, this is a process.

When you’re able to do those things, you can start allowing yourself to feel sensual and then sexual. And, you can do things to enhance that like long, candlelit bubble baths, romantic dinners, flirting with him, buying some lingerie for yourself, etc.

Hope that helps!

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