[257]

I started seeing this guy (A) a few months ago, I was 22 and he’s 21, we met months before this through friends but had only spoken briefly a handful of times, I knew I was attracted to him when I first met him. He seemed like one of the most genuine, nice guys I’d ever met.
He ended things after a few weeks, we’d had fun so I was a bit gutted but I didn’t really know him that well so I would’ve got over it but he started texting me less than two weeks after, regularly. I’d had fun with him so I just kept texting back, I was dealing with a family thing and making some, what felt to me like, pretty major career/life decisions at that point so I was a bit stressy and emotional and it was nice to have someone to take my mind off it. But it was only ever texting and I guess I really wanted more from A so I started getting confused and even upset by it sometimes, he did notice I was being short with him a few times and asked if I found it weird and I said yes and he said he just missed me sometimes and continued. I eventually told him that I couldn’t be friends right now but maybe in the future. After not contacting me for over a week, he called and told me that he’d loved every minute he’d spent with me and he thought I was amazing and sorry he’d put me in the position he had, he’d ended it with me because he was in quite a state because his ex had found out through her friends that he was seeing me and was calling him all the time to argue and be upset (they’d broken up two months ago because she had moved 7 hours away more than 6 months ago and long distance wasn’t working for them) and he had thought I was too sweet and nice of a person to be dragged down by that. And that he was struggling with his boss at work and had been looking for a new job that was possibly going to be up to 13 hours away and that he couldn’t start something long distance again but that it looked like he was actually only going to be two hours away and he’d be back most weekends and would I maybe hang out with him sometimes if that was the case. I said yes and we talked for ages and then he stayed in touch over the next few weeks but we didn’t see each other until a friends bbq, he hadn’t been going to come but had texted me and came because I was going. I was staying at the house the bbq was at that night so I didn’t need to leave but A stayed behind after everyone else and when the friends that live at the house started to head for bed he went to leave but kept looking back at me so I followed him outside and he hugged me. I hugged him back and he said “you always smell the same” I looked at him weird and he said “it’s a good thing” and we hugged for ages and then he said one of our friends was standing in the window cheering so we went inside and talked a bit and kissed a bit and he said he still couldn’t commit and I said that was fine. (Seeing as I’ve never been in a committed relationship and have trouble committing to just about anything, I didn’t think we knew each other well enough to commit to anything yet anyway, I figured that would be just fine.) He had to leave as he had work in a few hours by the time we were done talking and kissing and cuddling but he offered to wait until I fell asleep to leave, I didn’t make him because I knew it would take me ages to fall asleep with him there but I thought that was sweet. He texted me all day the next day while I was at a friends work do and we ended up at A’s work for drinks later, when we were outside he kissed me on the cheek and held my hand but when we walked inside I let go of his hand because I didn’t think he would want to have to explain anything to his boss/our friends/acquaintances yet. He didn’t really talk to me for the rest of the night but I was having fun with my friends and others from the work do anyway. Lots of people left during the night but my friends were still there so I stayed until A started kicking everyone out, he still hadn’t spoken to me so I got in a car to go but he was looking at me funny so I got out and swapped with someone, intending to get a ride on the next run, he hugged me to him and apologised for not talking to me all night but he said he wasn’t really sure how to explain it to people yet. He then said that he’d had to kick everyone out because one of his friends who knew what was going on with us and lived in A’s work building had thought that another guy (B) was hitting on me and was drunk and got a bit agitated by it. I ended up going home with A that night and we talked and kissed and had sex for the first time and then he cuddled me all night and everything was great in the morning before we both went to work and he texted me all day, he asked if I would come over that night too because I was going away for 10 days the next day and he wanted to see me before I went.
I went out for dinner with friends first then went to his, he had a few friends over for beers and took me out on the balcony first to just be the two of us for a bit and then we went back inside and we were all chatting and he was calling me babe and then he got a bit weird and a bit later he brought up how B had texted him that morning to say sorry for hitting on me last night, I got a bit embarrassed and one of his friends piped up, not in a mean way just in a lol way, oh do you remember me hitting on you at that party a little while ago, and I got more embarrassed and one of his other friends said oh that was so awkward between you and A (it had been the first time I’d seen him after he’d ended it and it was awkward at first but we’d chatted fine after the initial awkward and it was after that he’d started texting me again). Then A said I wouldn’t have been bothered if you’d got with B last night, I’d just have been stoked for him. That confused me, even his friends looked confused. His friends were really nice to me and I drove them to the pub later, A didn’t get out the car so I parked and he started talking about how his ex was still texting him all the time and how he didn’t want to get back with her but he’d even changed his number and she’d found out the new one and he just didn’t know how to deal with it (he obviously had loved her and either still did or at least cared a lot about her), i didn’t really know what to say to that and he told me that he hadn’t been with her, or anyone else, since he’d started seeing me the first time. And that he really liked me and thought I was amazing etc. and how i was perfect to him but how he only wanted fun right now because he wasn’t ready to commit yet and he was moving and he couldn’t do long distance but that he was thinking long term with me. And he just confused me so i didn’t know what to say again and he got frustrated with me and kept asking me to say something but i just told him i wished i could just make everything better cause i didn’t know what to say and I drove us back to his and he kissed me and asked me to come in, he said one of his friends had stopped by because he wanted to talk about something but that he wanted to talk to me after he’d gone. He took my bag inside and i followed him in. After his friend had left and I’d had time to think, I gathered my stuff to go too but he stopped me and held onto me and i told him that I couldn’t tell if he was just messing with me and he actually got upset and said that he wouldn’t do that to me. I told him that i wanted to keep hanging out with him til he left cause i had fun with him and we started just mucking around and laughing and having fun and then we fell asleep and in the morning he was cuddling me and we kissed and chatted and then he texted me all day and then I didn’t hear from him the whole 10 days I was away so I called him when I got back and asked him to have coffee with me and he said yes.
I saw him at a party that night though and he hugged me, asked how my trip was, but was being weird and I eventually asked him if we were allgood and he said I don’t want to talk about this here.. its not fair on you… this is why coffee would have been good. I walked away from him, got drunker and spewed and cried with a friend for the rest of the night… that was embarrassing and a first for me.
He avoided me after that, I called a few times and texted a few times and he did say in a text that he couldn’t be a boyfriend and couldn’t commit right now and he was moving so it couldn’t work anyway but that he’d have coffee with me when he got a day off but it never happened and eventually I just sent him a text saying that I thought he was incredible and I was sorry if he’d felt like I was pushing him for something he hadn’t wanted (thinking about that though, I never pushed, he was always pursuing me) and I didn’t want to be friends but that I hoped we could be good. (considering i’d be seeing him from time to time with friends, I wanted it to be as unawkward as possible) he said don’t be sorry, i’m the one who is sorry.
I am sorry that was so long but I wanted to have the details in there because I guess I’m a bit naive when it comes to guys and I want to understand it better, you know learn from it. Did I get totally played? Can guys really tell you all this stuff and not mean any of it? Or just lose interest that fast? And not think they at least owe you a simple “It’s over” after they’re done? I know we weren’t committed but we weren’t committed when we were first seeing each other and he had the decency to end it then.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Did I get totally played? [/quote]

No, you didn’t. He was very clear with you on multiple occasions that he didn’t want a commitment. When a guy comes right out and tells you he doesn’t want a commitment, it’s a good idea to believe him. He didn’t lie to you. You did not get played by him.

[quote]Can guys really tell you all this stuff and not mean any of it? [/quote]

I’m not sure what he told you that he didn’t mean. Fill me in a little. 😉

[quote]Or just lose interest that fast?[/quote]

I’m not sure what you think the fast part was. Fill me in! 🙂

[quote]And not think they at least owe you a simple “It’s over” after they’re done?[/quote]

I realize that you want an explanation and an apology or a gong to sound that signifies you should both move on, but that’s not how relationships usually work. 😉 When a guy tells you he’s not interested in a commitment, it’s a great idea to take him at his word. I think you do want a commitment and you haven’t been honest with yourself, or him about that. 😉 Now you’re angry at yourself but you’re taking it out on him.

Consider this experience a lesson in dating. Figure out what you learned about yourself — that you do want a relationship — and only date guys who are interested in the same. It’s a compatibility issue, and if you can accept and process it, it’ll save you time and energy in the future. 🙂

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[257]

Thanks for your response April, I think you were just my gong. 🙂 I guess you’re probably right on the relationship thing, I just didn’t realise it and I think I thought that since I didn’t think I knew him well enough to be in a relationship with him yet that meant I didn’t want commitment but it’s the intentions right? I’m not really in the right place to start anything serious at the moment anyway so I guess I just need to acknowledge that.

I think when I said played by him and can they tell you all this stuff and not mean any of it, I meant did he never like me at all, was he just saying he did? Like saying I was perfect to him and if he wanted anything with me it would be long term?

And with the fast part I guess I just meant how he said he didn’t want to end things and the next time I saw him it appeared as though he did, but since you’ve opened my eyes a bit I guess it just seemed fast because I didn’t get it but he knew all along that he didn’t want commitment.

Yeah probably am taking it out on him a bit, it just sucks because we have mutual friends and I’ve seen him twice this week, the first time he said hi then got very awkward and made it very obvious in front of friends and the second time he just chatted away and offered to help me with a test I was struggling with. It’s making it hard to forget about him.

And in the future I will try to only date guys who are interested in the same as what I want.

Really, thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome.

You know, when people say things in the beginning of the relationship, it’s your job to gauge whether they’re realistic or not. For instance, if a guy proposes to you on the second date, he may really mean it — but he’s also, most likely, someone who’s got an impulse control problem, isn’t very realistic, and doesn’t think about the future with his feet on the ground. It wouldn’t mean you were being played, but it would mean that if you accepted, and he broke up with you a month later, that you were responsible for your part in the engagement. In other words, if a guy says something, you get to believe him or not. You can also use the dating period to get to know him and decide, through your experiences with him, if he’s impetuous, cautious, realistic, romantic to a fault, etc. Lots of people who get married and then get divorced feel the same way you do — but after years of marriage. In other words, they ask, if he loved me enough to marry me, was he playing me because now he doesn’t love me? You had a very short term dose of this, and it’s actually a great opportunity to get to know yourself better, and figure out how and who you want to date in the future.

As for feeling awkward around him, now, it’s normal. And nobody ever died from feeling awkward. 😉 When you start focusing on other parts of your life, instead of this failed, short term relationship, you won’t feel awkward any more. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[257]

Thanks April. I believe that he genuinely is a nice guy and I know that we both want similar things in the future (which is not something I’ve found super common, in anyone, I’m pretty weird, and for the most part, proud if it) and, as you mentioned, it appears that I do want a relationship, I must finally be starting to grow up a bit… eeek, so I guess it just seemed so right and I got way too attached to this guy, way too fast, which honestly is not like me, I don’t normally want a guys attention like that, if they are going to pursue me then I’ll see what happens but I’ve never been fussed when it didn’t happen. Definitely prefer not being fussed but I guess if you’re not fussed about someone it’s probably never going to get very far.
I really appreciate your advice and I have definitely learnt a few things, what more can you ask for. 🙂

[257]

Ahhh, here I am thinking I’m moving on and then I end up eating lunch with him and a group of others which was absolutely fine until he walked round the table and stood right next to me and started talking and told me he got a job he had interviewed for less than an hour away, it is an amazing job so obviously he was pretty excited and I am happy for him, and we talked a bit more until a friend joined the conversation and I excused myself to get back to study. While i was studying though, he came in and again stood right next to me, I mean so close he touched me, he was offering to help me study, he said he had to go to work now but would come back and quiz me, I couldn’t bring myself to say no to him but I made out I wasn’t really at the being quizzed stage yet. He did come back later but just waved when I saw him and went off with his friends. I am so damn attracted to him still that I let myself get my hopes up at the time but for one thing he made it clear that distance wasn’t the only issue, there was commitment too, and for another, if he had meant anything by it he would have said so right? He said it might be a month or two or more til he starts though so ill probably keep seeing him around for a while, do I need to just avoid talking to him like this to not get my hopes up everytime I see him?
Thanks in advance.

[AskApril Masini]

Everybody is different, and some women would be able to talk to this guy, know he’s not compatible with what they want, and therefore, not waste their time with him. Other women need to steer clear, completely, because they’re not as disciplined, and it’s easier for them to stay away altogether, than risk getting emotionally involved.

It sounds like you’re not the kind of person, [i]yet[/i], who can focus on what’s right for her, easily. You’re still getting pulled in because a guy is hot. Eventually, you’ll figure out that a guy who is hot is not enough for you. You want a hot guy who is available and wants a commitment, too! (Among other things. 😉 ). So, if you need to steer clear and not talk to him because it’s too hard to take care of yourself, otherwise, then you should do so. If you can talk to him, and not get lured in, simply because a guy is hot, then you don’t have to.

I hope that helps!

😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[257]

Oh hahaha I didn’t mean I’m attracted to him because he is hot, I meant attracted to his personality, conversation, etc., although he is handsome too.
But the advice is probably the same anyway 🙂 so thanks.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re welcome. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts