[cappycap]

Hi April,
Okay so I met a guy online about 5 years ago. We didn’t really start talking much until about 2 years ago. We mainly had sports and music in common so we would talk a lot about that. Last year however we started following/adding each other on all of our other social media. We then exchanged phone numbers and he would text me all day every day. He lives in Canada, I live in the United States. Although we are actually only 3 hours apart. Anyways we would talk and I felt like I was the only one asking him questions and trying to get to know him so I turned cold on him. He then stopped contacting me as much and later I found out he had a girlfriend only when he told me that she cheated on him and they broke up. He would mention her before but didn’t ever say it was his girlfriend he would really only ask me for advice… Anyways a few weeks later he started talking to me more again except this time he would ask me questions about my life and was much sweeter and flirtier. He would even share more about his life and friends. I don’t know if he really has any interest in me or if I’m just a friend and wasting my time. Please help! 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

If a guy hasn’t asked you out on a real date within three months of meeting you, you’re wasting your own time by sticking around. 😳 This guy hasn’t done anything confusing. He’s been very consistent — in not asking you out on a date. In other words, he isn’t really interested in a real relationship, and he’s made it clear by his absence of behavior that would indicate otherwise. It’s your responsibility to decipher his behavior (and your own), but if you need help, I’m always here! 😀

Remember: the internet is a great place to meet people, but it’s not a great place to conduct an entire relationship. 😉 Time to move on. 🙂

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[cappycap]

Thanks so much, April! I kind of figured it as I typed but you really put it into perspective for me. I appreciate it. 😀

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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[cappycap]

Hi April,

So I finally met the man of my dreams! We are different yet alike. My family loves him & he is literally perfect to me. We have been together for almost a year, we are 2 weeks shy and I have a big problem. I love everything about him except for one thing… 6 months before we got together, his first love died. He was with her when she died and often struggles with guilt over what happened. After her death, he had various flings but nothing serious as he said he just wanted attention. He said it wasn’t until he met me that he decided to get into an actual relationship. At first he would still refer to his ex as his girlfriend and talk about her frequently. As the months passed he stopped and ended up deleting all pictures he had had of her and getting rid of most of the things she gave him or that had something of her. He still keeps a picture of her on his Instagram it just has her birthdate and date she passed. About 2 weeks ago he was browsing through my Instagram on my phone so I looked through his & found he had liked a picture of his ex that a friend of hers had posted. I asked him about it and he stated that he liked it as he felt bad for her friend. In the back of my mind I think he’s not completely over her and still loves her no matter how many times he tells me he doesn’t. It breaks my heart to think of him being in love with someone else as he is my first love & serious relationship. Even though I know she’s no longer here, I sometimes think that if she was I wouldn’t be here. I feel at this point he should get rid of anything having to do with her and stop liking pictures of her as it only makes me think he’s not over her. I’m a pretty jealous person and these thoughts are killing me & make me want to leave him. Although he truly is an amazing guy which makes it very difficult for me to do so. How should I be handling this situation? I figure I should add a bit more background information. He is 20 & I’m 22. His previous relationship lasted about 7 months and they had hit a rough spot around the time she passed and were trying to work things out.

[AskApril Masini]

I understand that you’re jealous, and jealousy can be a big problem in relationships. So, instead of deciding that the problem you’re having in the relationship is his grieving over a deceased girlfriend, use this discomfort to instead, focus on your feelings and behavior. 😉

Jealousy happens when you feel that there isn’t enough of something to go around. You want him all to yourself, but the reality is that he has a life beyond the relationship he has with you, which is a good thing. Part of his life is his feelings for his late girlfriend. It sounds like her death was very traumatic for him, so try to empathize with him, instead of trying to curtail his grieving. You may think that he should be over her, but he isn’t, and getting over the death of a loved one is a bigger deal than his simply getting over a break up — which this wasn’t. Your ability to empathize will make all the difference. No matter how much you want him to be done with her, trying to force him to be done grieving, won’t work. In fact, it will probably backfire. Making a mountain out of a molehill is what may happen. Open your heart instead of trying to get him to close his. This will serve you in the long run.

I hope that helps!

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[cappycap]

Thank you, April. You really hit the nail on the head when you said it would be making a mountain out of a molehill. We recently got into an argument about this again and I pretty much just let all my insecurities out. I don’t know why but I can’t help but compare our relationship to his past one. I always wonder if he was happier then, if they got along better etc. a lot of times I just don’t feel like our relationship isn’t genuine. Sometimes I feel like I only came about because she’s no longer here & I just happened to be more convenient. He had been dating other girls in high school & I happened to be out of high school & had my own car & money. He’s my first love, my first everything & I’m just second to him. I tend to over analyze things and I feel like that’s what I’m doing here but I don’t know how to stop 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

This isn’t about him. It’s about you. 😉

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