[okstupidcupid]

This might be long-winded, but I guess I should just write it down and ask for advice because I could really use it.
I tried the online dating thing to not much avail– too many ‘busts,’ and not enough men I was actually attracted to, so I decided to do the ‘make friends and expand social circle’ thing with the account, and then I got tired of it and wanted to delete. But right when I tried to delete my account, this guy messages me. I blow him off gently through a message, but realize quickly that I sound like a bitch. In any case, long story short, we end up hitting it off and becoming friends. He asks me to take me out, but I was out of town for break– so we decide to plan a “friend date” when I get back. In the mean time, over break– he calls me over the phone, texts me a lot to try to get to know me. I made a huge mistake before with online dating, and figured that it was better to get to know him in person, rather than through text/phone. Anyway, so our first “friend” date actually turns from a friend date that was meant to be “just lunch,” into a real date that spanned over the whole day– and into the night (but I didn’t sleep with him, just made out and slept over till the next day.) This quickly develops into a span of a month of dating with two day long dates each, and I didn’t sleep with him on any of them. In any case, there came a point where talk of sex and exclusivity came up. I wasn’t comfortable with sleeping with him unless we were exclusive, and we had an honest talk about it. He said that he didn’t want to see anyone else, and I said I honestly didn’t mind if he wanted to see anyone else, but if he was thinking about it– then he just had to be open with me because I’m not that kind of person and I have higher standards for myself. He told me that he was only seeing me and wanted that, but he wasn’t into the “labels.” (I know, red flag already–right?) For the most part, that was fine, and we ended up sleeping together on the next date, still doing our really long dates and getting to know each other. However, he has started texting less, starting calling me less. I’m always the one to call first, etc. But on our actual dates, we’re fine. By this point, my online profile was already deleted. I took a quick look and found out he was still using his… it wasn’t super active and he hadn’t signed in for awhile. But I brought it up one night as a joke, and he was honest that he had it to “look for friends.” This didn’t bother me for awhile until recently, when I realized that it was still up… he status was still set to “single,” and he had signed in recently and changed the info on his profile… when he clearly tells me to my face that “You’re the only one I’m seeing.” And that he will always be upfront about it in case anything changes. And he said he’s just tired of hammering it in– but without the labels, it’s difficult to know what page we’re on, which is why the topic comes up. It’s come to the point in our “relationship” where I want to decide whether or not to emotionally invest myself into him and give him that time. His words and some actions while he’s with me show that he likes me and cares about me (he wouldn’t be spending the entire days and nigihts with me if he didn’t like me– and we can do things like just sit around and watch TV for hours and feel comfortable.) But when he’s not with me, he doesn’t show that affection.

I guess I am just asking for advice on the situation. What should I do? Why hasn’t he changed his online profile? It bothers me because if he’s being so honest, why can’t he tell me that he changed his online profile, that he still has it up, and that he hasn’t changed his status, etc? Should I bring it up and be honest? How should I do it?

Thanks for all your help!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You haven’t given me a timeline or your ages, so I’ll give you the best advice I can without that information! 🙂

Dating is a process where you get to know someone and decide if you want to continue dating them or investing, emotionally, in them. A rule of thumb is that the first three months of dating is a time when you decide if you want to continue dating them. After six months of dating you decide if you want exclusivity. I’m guessing from your post that you’re within the six month mark, and he’s not sure he wants to be exclusive.

You’re confused because you’re looking for a legal contract or some insurance about his feelings, but the reality is that feelings change — and this is especially true when you meet someone online without the benefit of knowing their history or their friends the way you might with someone you meet in your neighborhood, your office, or through family or friends, so when you meet someone online, know that it takes a little longer to really get to know them.

The other thing you have to understand is that you’re fooling yourself when you decide to meet “friends” on an online dating site. Men and women can’t be friends — especially when they meet on an online dating site! — because one person always wants more and there isn’t honesty involved. Instead, you make yourself feel safe by assuming you’re friends, and that quickly changed. So if you go out with a guy you meet on a dating site, it’s a date. Don’t kid yourself! You’ll save a lot of time and energy if you accept that.

And then, remember that dating is competitive — whether you meet online or in person — and since you haven’t been dating him that long, it’s normal for him to continue to be playing the field. And because you met online, seeing his profile still up and being able to notice some of his activity, gives you a clue as to where he is — regardless of what he says. When a man’s behavior and words don’t match up — believe his behavior.

The relationship status you have is that he’s playing the field, while you’re under the mistaken impression that this is exclusive. The reality is that while you want an assurance of exclusivity, it’s unrealistic to expect it after only a month of dating — especially when you both have the availability of online dating supplying a lot more dates to choose from than if you were only meeting people to date in person.

I hope that helps!

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