[Forever Zero]

I met a girl at my place of employment, she has rather low self esteem and was very shy. She has been abused horribly in past relationships, in one case a guy broke her ribs and fingers. Opening up to me she asked for my number.. and surprisingly enough wasted no time in texting me a few hours later. Taking it slow we chat a bit, and on my following days off I asked her if she wanted to get together on Wednesday. Surprisingly enough she was eager to come over. However.. it took her well over eleven hours to even so much as come over.

So when she finally arrives we play some games as she is a bit of a gamer herself, we are having a good time. She is laughing, we are talking and joking.. and she begins to compliment me on how she has never met a guy with my mannerisms and it was refreshing to finally meet a nice guy after all she had been through. After we complete a full round of our game we begin to talk, she was extremely nervous speaking to me about her history. And even went so far as to talk of her abandonment issues and how she was afraid I’d leave her like everyone else in her life has. I assured her I would never do that and she ended up in my arms and I just held her as we talked.. We even made plans for this Sunday where she was going to come over and stay the night so we could talk more and go out on a date.

The following day she went to court to put the man who beat her in prison and texted me as soon as she got out. Happy to hear from her I asked if she would like to get together again. Excited she told me she’d run her errands and she’d be right over to see me. Despite sleep deprivation as I work nights, four hours passed without a single word from her. Texting her asking what was up she told me she had “just gotten dressed.” Telling her I looked forward to seeing her again, she just didn’t reply. I waited until I went to work without a single word from her. On my way to work I decided to give her a call to which she didn’t pick up and answer. Suddenly she goes from wanting to see me to not so much as saying a word to me at all. Waiting a couple of hours I left a text saying I hoped to talk to her later and I hope she was alright. (She had just had surgery to remove her wisdom teeth.)

I return home that morning after work and sleep a few hours and get up. Seeing as she has had a history of abuse and being degraded to the point she has cut herself.. I was a bit concerned and figured I’d call. With no answer from her at all to my texts, or my calls I grew concerned.. but skeptical.. and had my friend pull a “Sorry wrong number.” to which she picked up the phone to answer him. Now here I am with no word from her in over a day while she answers him instantly. Knowing now I was having my chain jerked I wait a few hours and send a text saying I couldn’t handle it and I would delete her number… within minutes I got a phone call that I hit ignore on.. and when she didn’t try a second time.. I told a small lie that my phone short circuits when I pull it off the charger in a text. Now she says she would talk to me, but she needed a minute. So I wait patiently for an hour and send a text letting her know I’d be here when she was ready… she proceeds to tell me the police are at her house and I needed to be patient.. to not text her until she texts me.

Honoring her request for awhile I wait another three hours.. My text message isn’t answered. I wait another hour.. again.. no reply. So I warn her I was worried and I’d call in another half hour if she didn’t answer. The phone rang six times to voice mail with no response. I am absolutely confused and distraught as I can’t wrap my head around what I did wrong. In a span of less than twelve hours she went from telling me I was the nicest guy she ever met, that she never wanted me to leave her side and began complimenting me on things she found attractive about me, and made sure I noticed we had things in common. She was making it blatantly obvious that she liked me.. And I made it known I liked her too.. Why did she go to such extremes? She likes me and I make her feel special but she ignores me for two days? What am I missing?

[Lstdrgn]

Abandonment issues can cause behaviuor like what you have discribed here. I personaly have had women with these issues get “freaked out” when they start to have strong feelings for people. It isn’t that you did anything wrong.

Well other then maybe, and this is just a maybe, you pushed to see her agian too soon. Women with these type of issues need time to get involved with. Hanging out to much makes them feel closer to you which brings in the fear that you will leave to the surface.

Men who abuse and beat women tend make all sorts of promisses and treat them very well in the first few weeks or months of the relationship. If you are to get close to another women with these isesue it is best to take it slow and prove to her that your not that kind of guy. Women like that take a lot of time to get in to a relationship with because you are the healing process.

At this point I’m sorry but she will not be a possibility anymore.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Instead of trying to figure her out — focus on yourself. This isn’t someone who’s interested in a relationship with you — for whatever reason. Walk through the doors that are open, when dating. In other words, date women who are available and interested — and who actually show up for dates! She isn’t that person. Next.

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[Forever Zero]

[quote=”Lstdrgn”]Abandonment issues can cause behaviuor like what you have discribed here. I personaly have had women with these issues get “freaked out” when they start to have strong feelings for people. It isn’t that you did anything wrong.

Well other then maybe, and this is just a maybe, you pushed to see her agian too soon. Women with these type of issues need time to get involved with. Hanging out to much makes them feel closer to you which brings in the fear that you will leave to the surface.

Men who abuse and beat women tend make all sorts of promisses and treat them very well in the first few weeks or months of the relationship. If you are to get close to another women with these isesue it is best to take it slow and prove to her that your not that kind of guy. Women like that take a lot of time to get in to a relationship with because you are the healing process.

At this point I’m sorry but she will not be a possibility anymore.[/quote]

Regrettably this is what I didn’t want to hear.. But in a way you are helping me heal as it is tearing me up inside with confusion that I don’t know what it is I’ve done wrong. I can understand her past being one of pain and how she feels she isn’t worth anything.. And I was and am willing to be there for her to help her heal..

I would like to remain optimistic a bit longer and give her a few more days. If I don’t hear from her by the end of the new week, I’ll begin the process of moving on. Thanks everyone for the advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is only so much you can do to help people. Most times the problems, like the one you’re encountering in this woman, aren’t yours to solve. You can be empathetic, but she has to be responsible for make changes in her own life in order to get on a healthy track. When you start taking on other peoples’ problems — especially those problems you can’t solve because they’re not yours to solve — you become part of the problem. 😳

I’m sorry this is hard for you, but you know what you have to do — when you’re ready to do it. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[Forever Zero]

[quote=”April Masini”]There is only so much you can do to help people. Most times the problems, like the one you’re encountering in this woman, aren’t yours to solve. You can be empathetic, but she has to be responsible for make changes in her own life in order to get on a healthy track. When you start taking on other peoples’ problems — especially those problems you can’t solve because they’re not yours to solve — you become part of the problem. 😳

I’m sorry this is hard for you, but you know what you have to do — when you’re ready to do it. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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I didn’t mean to imply I was going to directly “solve” her problems for her.. I meant more of a supportive way.. Someone she could talk to, or just be around to help take her mind off things. I know I can’t solve problems I haven’t created.. But I can still be a pillar that she can lean on should she need it..

Oddly enough after I posted here for your advice, she texts me out of nowhere yesterday telling me she was at the hospital and “things have been going on.” But now I got the whole “I have a new number, I’ll text you from it.” reply.. It’s been about two days and no message from this number. I thank you for the advice as you have helped me see there just is no interest to any kind of commitment, friendship or otherwise with this girl. Thank you very much.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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