[Momoko]

Hiya April,
Shortly after we got married I found out my husband was cheating on me. He said the student (an adult) kept coming on to him and he finally gave in. I contacted her before I confronted him about it and she gave me the same story. He was very apologetic and told me he was just weak and that it would never happen again. 6 months later I got pregnant. Fast-forward to 4 years later. This last September he came to me sobbing, telling me he was having an affair again and he was trying so hard to get out of it but he couldn’t. He’s a musician, and she was one of his stalking fans. He would see her after his gigs. She’s a psycho (that much is definitely true) and he says that she would threaten him to have sex with her. He swears it was just sex and he didn’t have feelings for her. She was trying to convince him that her daughter was his and that she would find and tell me about everything and destroy him. Coincidentally, the night he told me everything, she had sent me a message. She was mad because he was trying to break it off, and she was threatening him again. Part of me thinks he only told me b/c she told him she would contact me once and for all. She also sent me texts, emails, and photos of her daughter (whom I do not believe resembles him).
My husband and I have spent many hours discussing and crying over this whole thing. He seemingly sincerely is regretful, and swears that he will do anything to save our marriage. Problem is I don’t trust him, for anything.
It gets worse. My husband is a musician, which basically means he doesn’t work (lol sorry to all you musicians out there). He is an excellent father. All his family is in Japan. If I did decide to divorce him (which i’m unsure about) he would probably be forced to move back to japan. He would loose his green card status. My daughter wouldn’t have the father that she’s absolutely crazy about.
Lastly, (and this might be Too Much Information for some) since after I had our daughter our sex has been almost non-existent. I’ve always been super tight, but we use to be able to go for hours. Now he barely gets it in me before he ‘releases’. I think it’s a psychological thing for him, but I’m left completely unsatisfied.

Please, please help me. I have no idea what to do. Thanks in advance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Please, please help me. I have no idea what to do. [/quote]

Hmmm….. I’m not sure why you’re confused. Usually when people write me here and say they’re confused, they’re not really confused. They’re just disappointed and they don’t want to make a change in their own behavior. I think you may be in the same situation.

Clearly your husband cheats on you. And he isn’t interested in taking responsibility for his behavior. He wants to be seen as the victim even though he isn’t.

But he’s not the problem. I know this is going to come as a surprise, but the problem is you, not him. You seem to want to continue things as they are and it appears that you’re looking for reasons not to divorce him. If you stay in the marriage, you should expect more of the same. If you leave the marriage, you’ll have a chance at a healthy relationship with someone else — IF you take inventory and figure out why you chose him, if and why you want someone different, and how to make integrity and character more important in your life than they are now.

You’re not trapped or confused. You just want things to be different without doing any work. It won’t happen that way, I’m sorry to say. 😳

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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