[hereitis]

Hello, I need some relationship advice and closure because my situation is really stressing me out. I met a beautiful young lady in college seven years ago. She was 18 I was 20 at the time. We click we it seemed like she was my soul mate. We never had a bad relationship and we have been together for four years because of it. Out of the four years we only had two major arguments that lasted for a day. I loved her so much and she loved me. We were so in love we were blinded by the things we needed to address and tie up for the future. I later noticed that we never spoke of any serious things together except for marriage. We communicated more when we lying in bed but would soon fall asleep. So I later conclude that we weren’t communicating effectively, then I find out we have completely different belief systems and religiously we are unequally yoked. Then I find out we have nothing in common but our love for each other. I talk to her about it and she shrugs it off like it’s nothing, and since we haven’t communicated like we should have, on our fouth year I seriously come to her about these issues that will affect our future. Again she doesn’t take it seriously. So I really want her to understand and the only thing I thought to do it break up with her so she can have some time to think alone. She doesn’t think alone she called me each day wondering why we broke up over it. Then I move to NY and she calls me to tell me she is going to China and if we can just be together again she won’t go. I saw her going out of the country as a good thing for her because I didn’t want to kill a dream or experience of a life time. So I told her to go and we will stay in contact through phone and email and Skype. We do this but only for a month because she stopped emailing and calling, then she didn’t have time to skype. I later felt she was sexually active with other men. So I figured she moved on and therefore I should too. I spoke to some women but because they were not like her they easily got cut off; Then months after that I comfortably began messing with other women in NY. The total amount of women was 5. I had no expectations of going back to my who I really just broke up with her for her to understand things on her own. 3 years later, I receive a phone call from her asking if she can see me. I told her she can. She came to ny, I was not dating or messing with anybody sexually for some time. We saw each other and cried and was happy, we had sex and the sparks flew again even bigger than before. The next day she asked if we can get married. I was okay with it but I knew there is a difference from what men look for in wives as opposed to girlfriends so I questioned her about everything and anything about her, about the future and even if she now has understood my beliefs or understood me in general at the time she said she did and everything seem so perfect with her. She was that innocent fun loving girl I met but older now. She was my everything and Iput her above everything and treated her like a queen so she can carry herself like one. I taught her so much and would tell her even if we break up one day, I want her to continue carrying herself like a queen. Days go by and she begins to slowly reveal more to me first jokingly then seriously. Then a week goes by and I find out everything she told me was a lie. She had sex with multiple me back to back for two years over 9 men and she gave me an std. we had unprotected which was dumb but she lied and said she hasn’t had sex with anybody because sex complicates things. She said she was saving herself for me and I believed her. Everyday after that her stories didn’t seem to add up and I end up questioning her more only for her to later tell me everything else she has said was a lie. But she claims she only did it so we can be together and to protect me from mental harm and seeing her differently. Needless to say I lost all trust in her and I love her but I don’t see why the women I treated like a queen and loved would let so many men in her. I felt like everything I did and said to her was in vain and that hurt me so much and her idea to make me feel better is “ atleast I didn’t try to fall in love with somebody because I love you, you tried to fall in love with someone else. Everything I did was voluntary and with no strings attached.” Hearing this makes me wonder who I really had. She claims she was young and stupid even though this all happened starting two years ago when she was sexual active and she didn’t stop messing with other guys until two months ago and 10 days before she contacted me to give us another chance. This also makes me wonder. I feel like I know who she is inside but her actions and thoughts tell different. I was so shocked by all of this I feel into stress, couldn’t sleep or eat because I love her so much even more than before but I feel like I would not have an ex prostitute or whore who will return to her uncontrolled sex life and the thing I let her go for she didn’t even get the chance to fix. Now we have more problems than before. I do not trust her from her lies even though she told some of the truth after, her sex venture confuses me from who she was to who she is, we still don’t communicate right even not dating, and we are still unequally yoked and have eschewed belief systems, in addition to that I have images that bother me daily of other men having sex with her. She tell me she would stop all o that for the chance to be with me again. But I do not want her to do things for me she needs to do for herself. I love her so so much but these things bother me everyday and I try to talk to her and she believes over time we yoke then things will fade away as long as our love stays strong. I honestly do not know what to do or think about her and I recently told her I decided to work on becoming a youth minister, being celibate, working on a new image and getting myself right. She thinks I would be good at it too but she told me to give her time to think about how she can fit herself in the plan with me. I’m not dating or having sex with other people and I forgave her as she did me and I love her but I do not want to make the wrong decision. Please tell me what I can make of this whole thing and what you suggest.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you should move on and pursue your life without her. You’re clearly very conflicted because you wanted her to go live her own life, but then you’re angry that she had sex with men she was dating when the two of you were not together. It’s not fair for you to tell her to go live her life without you, and then judge that life by calling her a whore or an ex-prostitute. 😯 That you’re considering celibacy and the ministry for yourself is an indication that you’re searching inward for what you need — not outward in terms of a relationship.

My advice is to let go of your long-term, off and on relationship with her so that you can find some peace in your own life and try to find a woman (if you decide to date again) who is more compatible with who you are now. 🙂

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