[Bobbysue]

Okay, so this guy and I talked for about a month and a half and it was actually pretty serious for that duration of time and then he went back to his ex. His friends tell him over and over that getting rid of me was a mistake. Yet in the past six months that we’ve been “done” he’s asked for pictures and what no multiple times. We have a mutual friend group and we hangout almost every weekend and I’ll see him looking at me all sad and when I ask him how his relationship is he gets either sad, or gets defensive. What does this mean? Does he still have feelings for me? He’s told me before that I was the best thing to happen to him and he knows he messed up.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

Did you ever go out on a date during the month and a half you were talking to him online? Or was it just an online relationship?

Let me know, and I’ll give you my advice! 😀

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[Bobbysue]

I am 18 and he is 20 and we hung out 2-3 times every week during this time period

[AskApril Masini]

He does like you — but not enough to leave his current girlfriend for. 😳 My advice is to understand that dating is competitive, and try to win him over. If you can figure out what it is he likes about her, and why he’s with her and not you, you may have a better idea of how to win him over. 😉

Hope that helps with the confusion.

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[Bobbysue]

Hi April..
Since I’ve last replied he has told me that he needs to get his feelings that he has for me out of the way and that we should hook up. When I told him no because he has the girlfriend still he got upset with me and then concluded that he just wants me in his life in any way he can get me. Why does he keep doing this? It seems to me that he wants to be more than friends but yet he’s still with her. What do I do?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Why does he keep doing this? It seems to me that he wants to be more than friends but yet he’s still with her. What do I do?[/quote]

He keeps doing this because he keeps getting a response from you. 😉 If you stop responding, he’ll stop contacting you.

As for you, if you want a monogamous boyfriend, then move on and find one — he’s not that guy. And if you want to hang out with him, knowing you’re not the only one he’s with, then continue on the path you’re on. 😕 When a guy thinks that you’re special, he’ll treat you that way. He’ll take you out. He’ll show you off. And he’ll work to make you his. This guy is making it very clear that if you’re willing, he’s ready. I don’t think he’s serious about you, based on his actions.

Hope that helps.

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[Bobbysue]

So I was on here over a year ago asking a question in whether or not my guy would come back to me. He would text me monthly even though he was back with his ex (he ended it with me for her). Well now he says they’re finally broken up and wants to start things with me. Yet part of me has a hard time trusting him and believing him. All pictures of them are still on her Facebook, yet she deleted everything from Instagram. They’re relationship statuses have disappeared though. I am just having such a hard time figuring out if I should believe him and trust him or not or if he’ll go back to her the first chance he gets. But he’s the one that initiated the breaking up because he was so unhappy and really wasn’t feeling it anymore

[AskApril Masini]

If they just broke up, why not wait a few months to see if he’s really interested in you, or just looking for a rebound. 😉

[Sally]

This one’s confusing because he’s confusing.
Yes, he probably still has feelings for you. But feelings don’t equal intention. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t be with his ex while asking you for pictures and giving you sad looks across the room. That’s him wanting comfort, validation, and attention without making a hard choice.

What he’s doing is keeping you emotionally close while staying safely committed to someone else. That’s not love that’s indecision mixed with guilt. And it puts you in limbo.

Him saying you were the best thing and that he messed up doesn’t mean much if his actions never change. Words are cheap when someone’s scared to act.
If you stay in this dynamic, you’ll keep feeling stuck and second-guessing yourself. You deserve someone who chooses you out loud, not quietly from the sidelines.

[Tara]

He still has feelings, and no, that does not mean you should want him. This means that he is emotionally weak, indecisive, and self-centered. He chose comfort over courage, went back to an ex because it was familiar, and now he’s living with regret while keeping you on the side for validation. Asking you for pictures while he’s in a relationship is not confusion — it’s disrespect. Staring at you sadly, getting defensive when you mention his girlfriend, and admitting he “messed up” are not romantic gestures; they’re symptoms of a man who wants access to you without taking responsibility for you. He doesn’t want to lose you, but he also doesn’t want to choose you. That makes him unsafe.

Here’s the part you need to swallow: if he truly wanted you, he would have ended his relationship and come back cleanly, publicly, and decisively. He hasn’t. Instead, he’s feeding off your presence in the friend group and using nostalgia to soothe his ego. You are not “the one that got away” to him you’re the one he keeps around in case his current relationship collapses. If you keep entertaining this dynamic, you’re teaching him that he can disrespect you and still have emotional access to you.

So stop romanticizing his regret. Regret without action is manipulation. If he’s with someone else, he does not get your attention, your pictures, your emotional labor, or your availability. Full stop. Either he shows up single and serious, or he loses you entirely. Anything in between is you volunteering to be his backup plan and that’s beneath you.

[Member]

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