[nikkisc123]

I have a very complicated situation going on right now and I’m going to try and keep it as short and sweet as I possibly can. I have a very good guy friend that I have known for about 11 years. Back when we were younger we dated and then somehow drifted apart and went our separate ways. Well, I recently met back up with him and we are both coming out of long relationships. We have been hanging out almost every day and have taken things physically to the next level, kind of like close friends with benefits. This has been going on for about three months now. We seem to click very well and I have thought about him all these years and now we are both single and hanging out again. We both have kids and our kids get along really well and we get along with the children. My question is, how do I know if he’s ready to take it to the next level without screwing our friendship up or should I just keep it as it is and if it was meant to be then it will happen? Thanks for any input 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gee — I know you said that this is a complicated relationship, but it doesn’t really sound complicated. In fact, it sounds pretty simple. The complication may be in your head because while your relationship is pretty clear, what you want may be different than what you have, and you haven’t really articulated that [i]you[/i] want anything else. You just want to know how to tell what [i]he[/i] wants. 😕

I think that the question you meant to ask is: How do I change the course of my relationship from friends with benefits to a boyfriend chasing a girlfriend to capture her and get her to marry him?

The problem with friends with benefits relationships is that it is hard to tell where you stand because there’s no momentum because there’s no goal! It’s also hard to reroute them mid-relationship. When you choose to date in a more traditional sense, the rituals and traditions let you know where you are in the relationship — and where he is! For example, first dates lead to second dates lead to third dates. Somewhere after that time you decide whether or not to have sex with each other, and he’ll want to tell you he loves you at some point. Then you get to say it back. You see how those simple landmarks all build towards something that friends with benefits doesn’t?

It’s also really easy for old friends or boyfriends to fly under the dating radar since you have a history with them and first dates or second dates just don’t feel natural (not that they ever do! 😆 ), and it’s a lot easier to slip into a friends with benefits situation with an old friend than with someone you’d never met before. With your friend, now that you want to change the dynamic of the relationship, you have a lot at stake — you have an old friend you may lose if you scare him off — yet if you don’t risk it, you may lose what’s really important to you that you’re not able to speak of just yet: marrying this guy!

The best way to figure out if your friend wants you as more than just a friend with benefits is to notice if he treats you like more than just that friend with benefits. If he introduces you as his girlfriend, you’ll know that he wants you to be just that. Better yet, if he introduces you to his friends — and introduces you as his girlfriend — you’ll know that he wants everyone to know he’s claimed you as his. And if he’s really interested in marrying you, he’ll introduce you to his family because he’ll want to show you off and get their approval and to like you and welcome you into the fold.

Obviously, if he starts talking about making plans for combined living arrangements, since you both have children, you’ll know that he’s definitely serious.

However, since it’s already pretty easy for him to be with you, have sex with you, and enjoy each other’s children, he may want to just keep going the way things are indefinitely. If so, it’s up to you to decide if that’s how you want to proceed, since that’s the path you’ve taken with him up to now. If you don’t, you’re going to have to stop being so available to him the way you have been, and start being flirtatious yet unavailable enough to evoke his wanting you enough to date you! This is a lot harder than starting out as a date, but you can do it!

I hope this helps.

[nikkisc123]

Thanks so much for your advice. I think we’re just gonna take it a little more slower and if it was meant to be it will be. I have decided to not make myself “so available.” We will see.

Thanks again!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I could help. Let me know how things work out! 😀

[Anonymous]

I had to put my two cents in because I’m in a similar sitch. I met a guy online in August of last year. We went on one really really fun date, but when, a couple days later, he asked for a second, I told him I had met someone just a couple days earlier and I wanted to pursue that. I wasn’t ok with juggling and wanted to be honest. He appreciated that and asked if we could still be friends. I agreed. We spoke, emailed and commiserated about our dates, hung out together, even got our kids together at one point. We enjoyed each others company a lot and really got along. After a few months, I broke it off with the other guy because he just wasn’t ready to have a real relationship. The next time I got together with my friend, we went completely crazy on each other. It was a wonderful night but neither one of us knew what to do. After 3 days of awkward silence we emailed back and forth about how we’re very attracted to each other, but we’re still interested in dating other people. We posed a “friends with benefits” relationship and have had that for just over 2 months now.

I am taking very good care not to allow my emotions to get the better of me. I don’t contact him at all. I let him initiate all the communication. I maintain a very easy-going, laid back attitude and he always makes the moves. I learned this by trial and error. At first, if I emailed or texted, he would take his time getting back to me. Once I realized all I needed to do was remain distant, just out of reach, it never failed.

Now he’s asking me about my other dates, contacting me quite often and I’m wondering if this whole thing might be turning his mind to wanting a more traditional dating relationship with me. My friends think it might be so, but I’m not changing my tune at all. I’m going to “stay the course” as it were and just see what happens, but April is right. The best way to get his attention is to ignore him. Crazy, but it’s true.

Best of luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The post by The Bold Explorer is a great point of view. Thanks for sharing!

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