[annalye]

Hello,

I have recently been on a few dates with A. For the first couple of times I met him, I didn’t know who he was and thought he was cute and we hit it off very well although I thought that he was eccentric.

He did not tell me his last name nor I asked him but since I knew his email address, I googled his ID and soon found out his full name. So he turned out to be this hot, playboy asshole muti-millionair. He was all over the internet/mags. He sold his company for enormous amount of money very recently and considered the most interesting arrogant asshole playboy of his industry for the past few years. His ex was well known as well ( named under top 100 sexiest woman by a certain mag and known for being the smarty pants) He broke up with her in public and I thought it was very mean in fact although he explanined later that it was all staged and they knew what they were doing.. (?!?)

Having said that, I am just a regular low key girl who happenes to “fit into ” his tastes of women described by many articles. I am not special by no means and most guys don’t have the same taste as him AT ALL.. He has been single for over 3 years which was very surprising because he is young and hot and loves girls!

He is very needy and wants a lot of attention from the beginning. for example, I went on a first date with him for dinner and he asked me out for breakfast the next day and wanted to hang out all day long. Since we live very close to each other, he basically asks me out everyday. We chatted extensively since I was too busy to see him and I am not comfortable with seeing a guy I met that often.

So I didn’t tell him I found all the articles about him but asked his last name. He said why I asked (?!?) I mean hello? he was afraid I was going to find out all the gossips about him before I got to know him myself. Instead, he explained what the media said about him and told me that it’s not true etc. Trust me, he wanted to tell me because he is so pround of himself but I think he wanted to make sure I dont’ get the wrong idea about him. On the other hand, he had a lot of questions about me and wanted to get to the bottom of who I was. (uh, I am just an average girl, he won’t find any dirt if he tries to..) So he eventually told me his last name and he sort of expected me to think he was all great.

However, I don’t like bad boys even if he is so rich and hot. I like nice guys.. Nice guys finish the first in my book. My sister once told me a girl like me should be in a museum since I am so not into materialistic things. What bothers me the most is that he is so self-centerred and arrogant to the point that I couldn’t stand him anymore. He really thinks he is better than others. I didn’t believe what the media said about him but now that I know him more, their description of him was very correct in many ways. He doesn’t have any compassion towards others and full of himself. I mean he said he was totally attracted to me so he is not exactly going to be mean to me but I dont’ judge a man by how he treats me but rather I see how he talks about others and behave towards others etc.

The problem is we do have some special connection that I can’t ignore. We both realise the first couple of times we met that ( before I found out who he was) it is very rare to meet someone who can connect to this level. It was so easy to talk to him as if I knew him for a long time plus there is physical attraction as well of course.

On the other hand, I really dont’ want to get hurt or comsumed by him. I can already tell that he is sucking out of my energy since he is so needy and self-centered. He talks a lot about himself and that’s all he cares. Regardless of common ground we share, we do have different values and it’s very clear. Should I just cut him off? I am afraid that I might be too hesitant because we do have something very special and there is a lot of good quality about him. but how do one deal with a self-centered person? I don’t expect him to change nor thinks it’s possible. I just don’t want to be sucked into a relationship that is not healthy..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You wrote me last month that you dated a guy who was self-absorbed, too. If it’s a different guy, then it’s time for you to recognize that you may have a pattern of being attracted to something about these types of men. There’s something about them that you like — and something about them that you loathe.

Knowing yourself is the first step to being in a happy, healthy relationship, and while no one is perfect the trick is to find someone with whom you’re compatible so you have a better shot at overcoming the challenges that are a part of any normal relationship.

You’ve said that this guy has no compassion — that sounds like a deal breaker for you. Decide what your deal breakers are, and what flaws you can live with. For instance, his being needy and demanding may not be a deal breaker for someone women, but for others’ it’s the kiss of death.

Frankly, I don’t see how dating someone who is self absorbed is going to work for you since you want someone who isn’t.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[annalye]

Your advice is really bang on. I think perhaps my problem is I think too much. People say that about me all the time. Instead of enjoying and see how it is going, I try to analyse my emotion and this person. When I read my post again, I felt like I am putting each person in a “box.” But the truth is no one is that extreme. Only the degree varies. And you are absoultely right, I like this person for very good reasons which I don’t mention.

Do you think I should be more open minded about guys? I mean even if I know what I want, I would hate to be the person who judge people based on my standard and I want to fix it before letting people go.. ( I mean who am I to judge others? I am full of flaws as well)

Or do I instinctly know deep inside that it’s not going to work and everything I say is just to rationalize my instinct? It’s hard to ignore woman’s insticnt!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Judging others isn’t a bad thing when it comes to deciding who to date and who not to date. In fact if you don’t, you’ve ignored your instincts. Know what you want and what you don’t want and try to find someone who is close to that asset/debit set of columns. Know your deal breakers. I don’t know if this guy lacks compassion or not, but you said he does, and I think you have to gauge how much compassion he’s lacking. In other words is he someone who is not generous and so mean spirited he wouldn’t help an old lady across the street? Or does he lack compassion because he likes dark humor? There’s shades of grey here.

Dating is a process where you get to try and learn about someone and decide if you want to continue dating him or not because he is or isn’t compatible with you. 😉

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