[Pheonix]

I have been dating a man 7 years younger than me for 2 years now, and I’m curious what you think about this dynamic: Currently he is going through some health problems and has asked for space so we are still friends but not lovers any more, although he is asking me to wait until he feels more stable to continue the relationship. I love him very much, and am very devoted to him on all levels, however…I have started to think that I’m waiting in vain? I feel that perhaps I am in denial about where he is at in life, with the reality of not having a solid job/education either. I think that perhaps I am just confused as to what is truly important in the end? Is love enough…? Or will the small details eventually catch up with us and create problems?
Thankyou!!

[AskApril Masini]

It’s very suspicious that any man — younger than you or older than you — would call for a break after two years of dating. A health condition can pull a couple closer together or it can break them apart. If you don’t feel like it’s an intrusion, let us all know some details of a health condition that would cause him to reduce a romance to a friendship. I’m not understanding the rationale behind that decision. Also let me know how old you both are.

It doesn’t sound from what you’ve written, as if he wants to continue the relationship. If he valued it, he wouldn’t reduce it to friendship simply because of a medical condition. I think your instincts are probably right that he’s finding a way to end this, and you’re wondering what your future is going to be like. The reality is that love is wonderful, but it is not enough to sustain a long-term, committed, romantic relationship. You have to have shared goals and shared values and a desire to make it work. If he wants out and you want in, you can still love each other, but not want to be together. You can probably think of people in your life you love and adore, but don’t want to date, or are glad you broke up with because you’re incompatible.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Pheonix]

Thanks so much for your reply April, it all makes sense….however, to fill you in on the other details – my boyfriend had a concussion last year which resulted in a host of other problems, including depression and changes in his mental ability and personality. His rationale behind taking a break was that he honestly doesn’t feel able to be in a relationship at this time, since he can literally do nothing – and offer very little to the relationship at present. I do see his reasoning in this, but also sense that his reaction is perhaps based on his depression and lack of self esteem at the moment. He feels as though he will never be able to “catch up” to me…in terms of life achievements, etc. I am 33 and he is 26.

We do have similar goals and values, and we understand each other very deeply, I’ve never loved anyone like how I love him. I suppose what I’m facing is a question of faith and trust…I am willing to wait to see if we can make this work again, but am feeling mixed messages on his part. How can I ask him the right questions, or approach the situation, so that I can see this with full transparency and honesty – in order to make a decision which is healthy for me?

Thankyou again!

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thank you for filling me in. When someone alludes to a medical condition, it’s hard to know if it’s drug addiction, a transgender surgery — or something else!? 😉 A medical condition that is a concussion is very different.

I think that the problem here doesn’t really have to do with age, as much as it does maturity. In relationships, things happen — whether they’re concussions, job losses, car accidents, children born with developmental challenges — relationships face all sorts of obstacles, and if his reaction is to cut off and move away, and this is just a concussion — not a stillbirth or a parent’s death or a bankruptcy, all of which happen in all sorts of relationships — I don’t think he’s ready for a mature relationship. A concussion doesn’t have to end the relationship or relegate it to friendship, but because that’s what he’s done, I think you, at age 33, need to consider that he isn’t ready for a long-term, committed relationship with you.

Since he’s already broken up with you, in a sense, it’s not like you have to do anything different to move on…. except to decide that you want a relationship with someone who will be there through the good times and the bad times. You may love him, and he may love you, but I think that you’re incompatible in terms of life goals and relationship goals. Forget the age difference. This isn’t about that. It’s about his interest in a commitment for better or worse.

[Pheonix]

Thanks so much April, I really appreciate your feedback and it totally makes sense!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome.

[Sally]

Age by itself isn’t the problem here. Timing is. Right now, he’s asking you to wait while he figures out his health, his stability, and his direction. That’s understandable but it also puts your life on pause. And love shouldn’t require you to quietly shrink or stand still for an unknown amount of time.

Love is important, but it’s not enough on its own. The small things you mentioned work, direction, emotional availability they don’t stay small forever. They grow louder with time, not quieter.

You’re not wrong for loving him, and you’re not wrong for questioning this. Waiting only makes sense if there’s movement, not just hope. Pay attention to whether you’re being asked to be a partner… or a placeholder.

[Member]

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