[Jennykind]

My fiance and I have been together four years now. I have never cheated on him, yet he questions my every action. I work five days a week and the two days I have off I spend every min with him and our twins. He’s disabled so I bust my butt to support our family and get no appreciation for all my hard work. Instead he waits for me to leave the room to go through my phone and emails. He gives me the third degree even if all I’m doing is running to the store. He says it has nothing to do with trust, but I beg to differ. If it’s not trust then what is it. I can’t take it any more. I’m over all the accusations.

[Clara]

How old are you both? How old are your twins? When did you get engaged and when is the wedding?

Also, is this behavior on his part new? Or has he always been like this — and if he has , what’s changed for you that it’s suddenly a problem?

[Jennykind]

I’m 31 and he is 29, this is new behavior. He use to never doubt me or my motives. We have 3 yr old twins. It just seems to be getting worse, he questions my every action. We got engaged after the twins were born but there is no date set.

[Clara]

Got it. Thanks for the extra information. If this is new behavior, either he suspects he’s going to lose you, or he’s got something going on in his life that he can’t control, so he’s projecting control onto his relationship with you. I think that you can approach this a couple of different ways. First, you can ease up on his snooping. I know this seems counter productive, but if you fight him on his snooping, he’s got even more reason to suspect foul play on your part. Instead, offer him your phone and your computer. Let him go through your stuff. See if changing your behavior in this way calms him down. Second, you can talk to him — but you have to do it in a way that doesn’t back him into a corner where he feels defensive. Instead, tell him that you’ve noticed he’s really interested in what you’re doing and who you’re communicating with when he’s not around, and it made you wonder if everything is okay with him. Open the door, gently, to allow him to talk about what’s happening in his life — because if it is a change in his behavior, something was the catalyst. If he can talk to you about it, you may be able to help him process and overcome the obstacle that’s creating negative behavior that’s being channeled towards you.

[Member]

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