[89Lonely]

Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, he is 33 and I am 23. We have a 2 year old son together and we also have my 7 year old daughter. I am just so confused with life right now, so I am just going to come right out with it.

When I fell in love with him, he was such a wonderful, outgoing person who always lifted my spirits no matter what. Lately he has been none of those things, and I am just becoming really unhappy, and I think my children are as well. I honestly don’t know where to begin, I caught him talking to this girl, in dirty nasty ways through text messages, about 2 years ago and was going to leave him, he apologized and we worked through it, even though I was still having a hard time trusting him. Well within these past 2 years I have seen that he has been texting her on and off, but not saying nasty things just asking when she was gonna be home and if he could come by and when I would ask him about it, it was like I was in the wrong and he would get all pissed off at me for snooping..most recent was on the 4th of July, he left at 11:30 that night and I went and looked at his ipad and sure enough he was texting her saying he would be over there soon and all this, well he didn’t come home that night, not until 6:30 the next morning and I should have ended it then. But he was telling me that he never went over there and making up all of these excuses. So I am wondering, if it has been going on for two years do you think there is more going on than what he is leading me to believe? I mean it sounds stupid as I write it out like DUH!! but he always has such good excuses. Also he always accuses me of being with other people like when I go to my moms house, he will say smart remarks like “so where were you really” or we will see my daughters dad driving around sometimes and he will say “oh theres your man” . I have never given him a reason accuse me of cheating, I am faithful and honest. So please let me know what you think . by the way him not coming home happens probably once a month.

Recently he has become so selfish, he had a wonderful job with good pay and he just decided to up and quit one day, with no explanation except that he wasn’t happy and that he comes first. He really said that. I was extremely pissed off because he just put our family in a horrible position and it was like he didn’t care what so ever. I had been so stressed out about bills and things that I was making myself sick. We were up for disconnection on things and I wasn’t getting another paycheck for a week. He was not concerned at all, so I had to give in and ask some family members for some help, when he found out he was furious with me, telling me that I am never going to grow up and this and that, while he sits at home and plays video games all day!!! When I try to talk to him about how I feel, or the bills, or the kids or anything its like I am talking to a wall. I get no feedback, unless I piss him off or he just tells me to stop worrying all of the time. There are so many other things, I can go on and on. I am not happy anymore, and I have never told him that. I feel like I am ready to end things and move on with life,but I am afraid to hurt him, I do love him, I am just not happy anymore. It seems like the feeling of leaving him goes away for a day or 2 and then the feelings start arising again and I am constantly questioning myself/ Everyone tells me that by his actions it is almost like he is trying to make me leave him. It’s so easy to talk about leaving him, but when it comes time to do it, like when he didn’t come home the other night, I just freeze, and I worry about where he will go if I do end it, and how he is going to get all of his stuff,how he is going to make it, and then there is the kids! In his last relationship he had kids and when he moved in with me he never went to see them or make contact with them. So it is going on 5 years since he has seem them and I worry the same will happen to mine. I worry that they will cry for him and want him and he wont even attempt to come around. I just need some advice, I am so stressed all the time worrying if he is cheating on me and he just doesn’t show any affection what so ever, unless he is in the mood. Everyone around me is telling me I would be better off, I would just like to know what you think?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve made some bad decisions that are going to affect your child with this guy — and I’m not sure what the situation is with the father of your other child — so it’s time to take responsibility for your actions. 😉 That’s the best way to remedy this.

From what you’ve written it sounds like you’re living with your boyfriend of five years and your two children, one from a teenage pregnancy you had with someone else, and your child with this guy, who has abandoned his children from a prior relationship, and who is dating other women while he is living with you. Chances are good that he will abandon the child he has with you, too. 😳 The important thing is that [i]you[/i] don’t.

My advice to you is to accept the fact that he’s dating other women, and to break up with him so you can focus on being a good mother to your two children. This relationship isn’t healthy, and it is distracting you from your responsibilities to your kids. Get a custody schedule so he can see his child with you, and a support order so whichever of you is required to pay support, will do so. Then, get a good job so you can support yourself as a single mother.

After you’ve done all that, and it will take time, then you can focus on dating — but next time you date, please date smart, and don’t get pregnant or move in with someone who isn’t a good father and moral person. I know it’s a little harder to date that way, but it will save you so much energy, time and money in the long run!

I hope that helps.

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[89Lonely]

Thank you for your advice, I understand that the relationship is affecting my children’s happiness as well. And I feel like I am ready to put things to an end. However, I am very nervous to bring up the subject to him. I have gone all this time pretending that everything is ok when it isn’t and I am afraid of the reaction I will get. Do you have any suggestions as far as how to go about bringing up the subject? How to try and end it in a civil way rather then an argument? I am not sure of the response he will give, and I am a little nervous about it. I know it will take him by surprise because as far as he knows everything is fine. Is there an easy way to do this? He has sooo many things, so when it does happen should I go stay somewhere while he is getting his things?? I am sorry for all of the questions, but I have never lived with anyone before and this decision seems like it is going to be a pretty devastating one. Should I talk with my kids? Or just let things play out?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t have to apologize for the questions — I’m happy to help you. 🙂

I’m not sure what it is you’re afraid of in his reaction, but you should expect him to be disappointed, angry, sad — all of those in different amounts at different times. The most important thing is to keep your eye on the ball, and that means focusing on a healthy life for you and your kids. You can’t break up with someone and not expect a reaction, and while it’s unpleasant to hurt someone, as a parent alone, I’m sure you know that sometimes you have to say “no” and shoulder the disappointment that comes with setting boundaries for a bigger, better picture. The same is true in any relationship — including romantic ones.

Tell him that you’ve decided that the relationship is no longer working for you and you’re grateful for what’s been good, but you are breaking up with him and moving on and you want to establish a visitation schedule so he can co-parent your child together. Hand him a schedule on a calendar where he gets half the time with your child and you get half the time with your child, and put the emphasis on co-parenting and maintaining a healthy break up for your child, as well as for each other. Give him a move out date, and then stick to it. Until that date comes, steer clear to avoid conflicts.

If it’s possible, talk to your children together, and explain that your relationship is going to end, but you will both love your children forever, and that won’t change, but that there will now be two homes that your children can have to be with both parents, separately. Watch for signs of your kids acting out and be extra sensitive to talking to them and keeping that channel of communication open. If they seem sad, validate their feelings and give them extra affection and attention.

You are all resilient and you will all move on and do better than what’s happening now. 😀

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[89Lonely]

Thank you so much for all of your advice, it really is helping maintain a level head through all of this.

Breaking up hurts, and I think that is what I am most afraid of. It does hurt me to think about being without him, until the bad things start happening, because when things are good, they are great..but most of the time they aren’t very good. I know that this is what is best for my children and I, I just wish it didn’t have to be so difficult. I don’t want to hurt him, and I think that is what is bothering me the most, even though he doesn’t seem to feel bad when he hurts me by not coming home and things. I am working up the courage to be honest with him about how I feel. This may sound stupid, but I feel like the biggest thing that is holding me back is that he has no family here or anything, well besides his kids…but why am I so worried about where he will go, how he will make it, how he will manage to move into another place when he doesn’t have a job…I know it’s probably not my problem to worry about these things but I don’t necessarily want him on the streets or anything…I have an opportunity to move into a nice 3 bedroom place, the landlord is friends with my mom and she is willing to work with me as far as moving in, but she has stated that it is only for the kids and I, and the rent will be way cheaper then what I am paying now!! 🙂 It all seems so exciting, but when I think about where he will end up it makes me feel guilty…the closest family he has lives about 3 hours away..do I just leave that all up to him or should I offer to take him down there?

I am also afraid he is going to try to negotiate with me and say that we can end things and be done but I think he may want to try to live downstairs…right now it is his hangout place his “man cave” and it is basically an apartment down there, but that is not an option, we cannot continue living in the same house and remain broken up…we are supposed to talk today and once again I thank you for all of your advice…if you can’t tell this is just a really hard, life changing decision for me. One minute we were talking about marriage and now I am wanting to end things..everything you are telling me is giving me more and more strength to do what needs to be done!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me put it bluntly for you: You can’t have it both ways. If you take care of him, you’re being a bad mother. You’re also not being good to yourself, but your kids are victims in this, and you are not. You have to choose.

Life is about choices, and the choices you make (or don’t make) define who you are, and how you have parented, as well as married, dated, lived, etc. Decide today to live a better life and do the right thing. Don’t let yourself off the hook so easily — your feelings are less important than your choices. Don’t let your feelings guide your behavior. Instead, use your moral compass because it will point you in moving on and away from him. Trust me — he will find another woman to take him in and take care of him — until he’s ready to stand on his own feet. That’s his journey in life. Don’t make it yours. 😉

I’m rooting for you.

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