[Ashleyxkanton]

Me and my boyfriend started talking 3months ago and made it “official” in the beginning of July. Things have been great between us. I’m new at this whole relationship thing and I definitely do have insecurities. The first one being that he has two really close female friends. He spends a lot of time with them but he always tells me when he is and we’ve had a convo about how they are just friends. I definitely trust him it’s just difficult because I haven’t met the friends yet even though I know I will soon. Plus one of the girls writes on his Facebook wall all the time and it drives me nuts! I know it’s stupid but I’ve kept my mouth shut because my friend told me to always pick my battles and he hasn’t done anything wrong he’s only been honest. Another thing is on Facebook he likes these girls pages that are models with big butts (they’re not real girls that either of us know) I know he’s a guy and he obviously likes that stuff just makes me feel like I’m not good enough but I know I shouldn’t feel that way. Then he invited me to a lax tournament in August and I would like for it to be just me and him but he was asking if I wanted to bring friends and stay with them etc. but I told him no I would like it to be just us but thank you. I know it was out of kindness but I wanna hear him say that he wants me and him to go together so we can spend time alone you know. I’ve met his parents and sisters, he’s met my family and friends so I know he is serious about things. But since 3months ago he’s been mentioning the army and he enlisted two weeks ago. He leaves in January and I guess that makes me nervous. I really don’t know where we will be at that point I guess it’s best to take it day by day and enjoy the time we have. He tells me he loves me and he calls or texts me everyday.

Do I have anything to worry about?
Does it seem like he has real feelings for me?
Does he seem serious about the relationship?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem is that you’re jumping the gun instead of taking a breath, and then taking an honest look at who he is, who you are and what this relationship is. 😉

If your boyfriend has made plans to join the army and leave your area in January, he’s probably not thinking of this relationship as something that’s going to be permanent, in fact, I’m guessing you’re both in your early 20s or younger,and this is a time when most men aren’t serious about getting serious! They’re interested in dating and experimenting. That’s why he’s checking out women he doesn’t know on Facebook and befriending other women. He’s keeping his options open.

Don’t pretend this relationship is something it isn’t — because that’s where you’re going to get yourself into trouble. He’s inviting you to an event with other friends — not as a couple. I know you’d like this to be just the two of you, but he doesn’t. If this doesn’t work for you, then reconsider the relationship because he’s not ready for something serious. If he is, you’ll know it because he’ll start going “public” with you with his friends, and he’ll start acting like he’s territorial of you. Right now, he’s having fun, and if you want to have the same kind of fun, then stick around, but if you’re looking for something more intimate and symbiotic, this isn’t it.

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[Ashleyxkanton]

He did ask for me to go like just him and me but then he suggested friends coming so I had people to keep me company while he was playing because he is actually playing in the lacrosse tournament. And also I realize he’s not serious marriage wise, neither am I but he had these female friends years before me and also we are boyfriend and girlfriend. It is official on Facebook and all of his friends and family know it. If he didn’t have feelings for me or wasnt somewhat serious about me why did he bring me home to his family to meet his parents and why did he ask me to be his girlfriend. He’s leaving in January he could have easily kept this casual and he could have been single just experimenting and enjoying life before he leaves, correct? So does he not have feelings for me then and I’m just a good time? Or does he have feelings for me and wants to see what happens and we will cross that bridge when he leaves in january

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]He’s leaving in January he could have easily kept this casual and he could have been single just experimenting and enjoying life before he leaves, correct? [/quote]

Correct.

[quote]So does he not have feelings for me then and I’m just a good time? [/quote]

He has feelings for you — but he may not be ready for a serious relationship.

[quote]Or does he have feelings for me and wants to see what happens and we will cross that bridge when he leaves in january[/quote]

It may be that. And you have to decide if you’re okay with a relationship that may be going in that direction or not. 😉

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[Ashleyxkanton]

ughh april i don’t know what to do..yesterday my friend found my boyfriend on plentyoffish..the free dating website (where we met). it was updated info, and his intent says “looking for a relationship” and i’m so hurt right now. i called him and we talked about it and he didn’t deny having it he explained that he has it to meet friends, like facebook. and that when you have “looking for a relationship” you get more messages..but then he told me he doesn’t pursue it and nobody even messages him. he even said “i’ll delete it if you want me to” and i said “you don’t have to delete it..it’s your life do what you want..but i’m just trying to understand why you would have that” and he told me that it was nothing to worry about, he wants to be with me. he said “why would i bring you home to my family, and why would i be bringing you to ocean city in a few weeks, and why would i meet your parents, and why would i be with you in a relationship if i didn’t want to be with you.” and i said “i don’t know that’s what i’m trying to understand.” and i told him “listen if you have other intentions..and you just wanna have fun since you’re leaving in 6 months, please don’t waste my time..just be honest with me.” and he said “i am not wasting your time i wanna be with you.” and he’s been cheated on before so i don’t feel that he’s actually cheated on me..but i don’t know i have an uneasy feeling and then i felt like he was kissing my ass. he randomly called me just to say hi and tell me he loves me etc. but now i’m feeling really bothered by it..i wanna tell him to delete it or make his intent “looking for friendship” i don’t know if he just needs an ego boost, or he’s looking for something better and i just feel so sad and not good enough 🙁 i’m really hurt and i know i do so much for him, i give him so much freedom, i’m not nagging, or bitchy, i always approach things in a calm cool manner and i’m never accusing him of anything. i just would rather him tell me he doesn’t wanna be with me and he wants to have fun because even though that would hurt, it would hurt a lot less than him cheating on me or leaving me for someone else.

ughh what do i do? what do you think about this situation?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You really don’t want to accept what’s happening. You’re trying everything you know to go against your instincts. 😳 And he’s giving you every indication that he’s not serious about you. His admission that he’s got a “looking for a relationship” status on a dating website really should be your neon flashlight pointing towards the exit door.

It’s time for you to move on. He is. If you stay, there will be drama and you’ll get to the same place. And for many people it’s easier to leave a relationship with a bang and a blow up, but you don’t have to do that. You can just accept that the relationship he wants is no longer working for you.

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[Ashleyxkanton]

what kind of relationship is he looking for? we are official on facebook so if he’s becoming friends with girls on facebook they can see that he’s in a relationship with me. could he really just be making friends on plentyoffish? or do you think he’s keeping me around until he finds something better? we got into an argument yesterday and he said “it’s about trust..do you not trust me..i’ve told you so many times it’s nothing, i promise..trust me.” and he told me i don’t do anything wrong because i told him i’m trying to understand what i do wrong, or if something is lacking in the relationship. could he just need an ego boost? my guy friends told me he probably just likes having it for attention and an ego boost and they told me he’s dating me, so i need to trust him. it’s difficult because he loves being the center of attention and he has a good amount of female friends to begin with so i’m wondering if he is being honest and just wants to make female friends? i don’t know..please explain this to me..i’m not looking for marriage..but if he’s not serious about me then why did i meet his parents? why did he meet my parents? why are we going to ocean city together? i said to him “i wanna be with you..if you don’t wanna be with me..end it now” and he said “i do wanna be with you, trust me if i didn’t i would tell you, and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

1. does he have feelings for me at all?
2. is he keeping me around to wait for something better to come along?
3. OR could this really be his need and desire to make female friends and get attention because he is seriously so insecure?
4. why would he meet my parents and why would I meet his parents if he wasn’t serious about me and him? (and i don’t mean marriage wise)
5. could he be having doubts about the relationship and when someone better comes along he breaks up with me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[i]You’re ignoring me — just like you’re ignoring him.[/i] 😳

You’re asking me the same questions over and over. I’m answering them. You’re ignoring them. I’m giving you advice. You’re ignoring it because it isn’t what you want to see happening. And you’re asking for more advice, hoping that this time I’ll tell you what you want to hear.

This isn’t the kind of website where I tell you everything is going to be all right when it isn’t, because I think that that is wasting your time (and everyone else’s — including his!).

I know that this is difficult for you, but you really need to think about what’s happening and stop fighting it. If you want to win him over, then read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and you’ll get a lot more information on how to do so, in a lot more detail! 😀

Please re-read this thread of questions and answer, and hopefully, you’ll get it this time. 🙂

[quote]what kind of relationship is he looking for? [/quote]

Something temporary. And….. you already know this because you said you’re not looking for marriage and neither is he. And he’s leaving in January. And he’s looking on a dating website for women. Instead of asking me what you already know, I’d like to see you start trusting your instincts. You can either step up your game and compete for his attention — or decide he’s not compatible with you because of what you both want.

[quote]we are official on facebook so if he’s becoming friends with girls on facebook they can see that he’s in a relationship with me. [/quote]

They don’t care that he’s in a relationship with you, and neither does he. He’s going to pursue these long time friendships, and so are they. You knew he had these long time friendships with these women when you started dating him. I’m sure you don’t expect him to just drop his friends. When a man is serious about you, he’ll start acting like he’s serious about you. He’ll start doing things in couples and he’ll naturally drop his female friends. You’ve just met this guy and have only been “official”, according to you, for a month. It’s really wrong of you to expect him to change his behavior just because you want him to, and if you do want him to, you’ll get a lot more bees with sugar than vinegar. 😎

[quote]could he really just be making friends on plentyoffish?[/quote]

No. He’s looking for options.

[quote] or do you think he’s keeping me around until he finds something better? [/quote]

Yes.

[quote]we got into an argument yesterday and he said “it’s about trust..do you not trust me..i’ve told you so many times it’s nothing, i promise..trust me.” and he told me i don’t do anything wrong because i told him i’m trying to understand what i do wrong, or if something is lacking in the relationship. could he just need an ego boost?[/quote]

Maybe. But you’re definitely chasing him away faster by acting insecure and needy. Guys get their ego boost by chasing and winning over women that they’re proud to be with. 😉 And if you’re not sure about where a man stands, trust his behavior — not what he tells you. In this case, his behavior is telling you you’re right to have doubts about this relationship.

[quote] my guy friends told me he probably just likes having it for attention and an ego boost and they told me he’s dating me, so i need to trust him. it’s difficult because he loves being the center of attention and he has a good amount of female friends to begin with so i’m wondering if he is being honest and just wants to make female friends? [/quote]

You’re looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear. If you survey a million people on your relationship you may get someone to tell you what you want to hear. Obviously, your instinct is telling you there’s a problem or you wouldn’t be writing me with these questions. 🙁

[quote]i don’t know..please explain this to me..i’m not looking for marriage..but if he’s not serious about me then why did i meet his parents? [/quote]

He’s a nice guy. He’s close with his parents. He probably introduces people to his parents regularly. If you already know you’re both not looking for marriage, then meeting his parents is a nice formality, but it’s not as relevant as if he was serious about you — or himself. 😉 Meeting the parents is definitely a sign that a man is more serious about you than if he wasn’t, but it’s absolutely no guarantee of a ring and a date! It’s just one sign along the way, when other things are lining up, that he’s more interested than not. However, when you’ve got as many signs telling you that he’s not interested, you have to weigh the whole situation. I think he’s just a guy who’s polite, normally, and he probably introduces lots of people in his life to his folks, not just serious girlfriends.

[quote]why did he meet my parents? [/quote]

Because you introduced him to them.

[quote]why are we going to ocean city together? [/quote]

Because he asked and you agreed.

[quote]i said to him “i wanna be with you..if you don’t wanna be with me..end it now” and he said “i do wanna be with you, trust me if i didn’t i would tell you, and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

1. does he have feelings for me at all?
[/quote]

I already answered this question above in your previous query to me.

[quote]2. is he keeping me around to wait for something better to come along?
[/quote]

Yes.

[quote]3. OR could this really be his need and desire to make female friends and get attention because he is seriously so insecure?
[/quote]

I think he likes the female attention — I don’t think, from what you’ve written — that he’s insecure. He likes women. He’s looking for something interesting. Right now he has you. But it’s not permanent, and you both seem to agree on that.

[quote]4. why would he meet my parents and why would I meet his parents if he wasn’t serious about me and him? (and i don’t mean marriage wise)
[/quote]

I already answered that in this exchange.

[quote]5. could he be having doubts about the relationship and when someone better comes along he breaks up with me?[/quote]

Yes.

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[Ashleyxkanton]

Okay so let me get this straight. My boyfriend does have feelings for me and wants to be with me right now but he is unsure about the future because he’s leaving so he’s keeping his options open for when he gets back from boot camp? So he’s trying to meet women now to keep himself secure?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’ve already answered these questions for you. If you re-read the thread of advice, I think you’ll find your answers — if you’re ready. 😉

[Ashleyxkanton]

I’m sorry to bother you again April and I appreciate all your help I just wanted to update you. He didn’t tell me but I saw that he deleted his account!! This makes me so happy. What does this mean now? Is it a good thing?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that if you read the advice I’ve given you, you’ll find I’ve answered all your questions here.

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