[Confusedwife]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. He doesn’t touch me anymore, we don’t make love anymore and now we sleep inseperate rooms because he says I snore. I am so lonely and constantly think about having an affair. I’ve even told him I think about having an affair and he says if I do I can move out. What am I supposed to do? I have needs and he doesn’t seem to care to even try to meet them. I do love him still and he says he loves me but there is absolutely no intimicy in our relationship what so ever. I don’t know how much more I can take. I can live without the sex, but it’s the touching, hugging, holding that I miss more than anything. He never compliments me, but he has no problem complimening other women. He never looks at me with passion, but comments on pretty women that walk by or takes a second look. He won’t go to counselling because he says all we’ll do is fight. Maybe a separation is in order to sort out some feelings?? Am I stupid and denying the fact that it’s over and he really doesn’t love me anymore and time to move on? So confused!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Your complaints are valid…. in a vacuum. 😕 Now let’s look at the other side of the coin! 😉 Do you compliment him and flirt with him? Do you wear sexy lingerie and try to be seductive with him? I know he’s disappointing you, but are you doing your part? Do you have date nights and romantic getaways? Is it just the sex that’s gone? Or is the romance gone, too, and is there anything YOU can do to get it back?

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[Confusedwife]

Believe me I have tried! I compliment him and flirt with him all the time. He likes the compliments but when it comes to the flirting he doesn’t play along. Sometimes he doesn’t respond at all. I’ve tried wearing the sexy lengerie and seduce him but he shows no interest. He brushes it off like it’s a joke and tends to respond with “What are you doing, come on stop it”. Boy doesn’t that make me feel good. We don’t have date nights because he works long hours and by the time he gets home it’s too late to do anything. (He really is working and not having an affair). I checked this out already. On the weekends he doesn’t want to do anything but play games on his computer. I tend to do my own thing with friends to keep myself occupied. What else can I do?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling me in. It sounds like there may be a diminished sex drive on his part, or else he may be having some trouble that falls into the erectile dysfunction arena and he’s probably ashamed and doesn’t want to deal with it.

My advice is that you talk to him about this and ask him to get a physical and talk to his doctor about any possibility that the sex drive issues are biologically related. Many times a lack of sex drive is the symptom of some other issue that can be adjusted. But I’m not a doctor — and I don’t think you are, either, so this is an area where a full physical and doctor’s appointment will be very helpful.

In addition, it sounds like your husband has a full work week with long hours, but his weekends are free enough for him to sit in front of the computer. The computer and video games can be addictive and an escape from real life. It would seem that this is a great time for you to do things together. He may feel pressured by a date night, to manufacture romance he isn’t feeling, so instead, start with baby steps — going to the gym together, going for a walk on a beautiful fall day together, grabbing lunch together — even doing errands together…. these are all times and places where you can reconnect. The reconnection is important for your relationship which seems to have veered off course for now.

These are the two areas I suggest working on for now. And remember — I know you’re angry and frustrated, but if you express these emotions while you’re trying to get him on board, it will backfire. Focus on making things better, not giving ultimatums. Let me know if that works.

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