[kate94]

Hello,

I’m dating this guy for two months now. He is nine years older than me. I’m 23 and he is 32. He has been acting as if he is my boyfriend. I met his parents and some of his friends. He wants to take me everywhere with him. We have a great connection. I see him almost everyday. However, yesterday I asked him what he thought about us if we are girlfriend and boyfriend or not because he never made it official. He hesitated for a bit and told me that I would be a good girlfriend but he doesn’t want to be super serious and he doesn’t want me to have crazy expectation like marriage and he said he doesn’t want to think about the future, he just wants to think about today. But also he said he is not seeing or sleeping with anyone else and we are now still dating. That’s what he exactly said. Even though he didn’t say he doesn’t want a relationship or he is not looking for a girlfriend now, I feel like that’s what he meant. Am I wrong? What should I do? Should I leave him or what? Is two months way to soon for him to decide if he wants to be serious and have a future with me or not?Could he maybe need some more time or is he not seeing a future with me? I think I’m falling in love with him and I don’t want to break up with him but I’m serious about him and I want him to be serious about me too. Please help me figure out what do.

Thanks very much

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you want a serious relationship and he doesn’t. What he hasn’t told you is what he wants for himself for the future. Obviously, you don’t want to grill him, but do use the dating period wisely to get to know him and to get to know what it is he wants to do with his life. If he sounds like someone who’s got career plans, family plans, and can see himself in a certain lifestyle that includes marriage — and all those things sound good to you, then you should rest assured it’s just too soon to become serious about each other — but a definite possibility in the future because you’re both on the same personal tracks. However, if he’s a 32 year guy who’s having fun dating a younger woman and is really not forward thinking, he may not be compatible for you because of the nature of the relationship you want to have.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. 🙂

[JRove22]

Dear kate94,

Just to be upfront, I will say that what I say from this point on are only suggestions and are my own personal, objective points of view and advice, which you may or may not choose to take into consideration.

Now, let’s look at the obvious facts: you are in your mid-twenties, your male partner/familiar is 9 years older than you and there’s nothing wrong with that. I understand your concerns and your frustration. From what I understood, you really do like this man and you obviously want a serious, committed relationship with public factual status of the fact, but he has not made your position in his life clear.

Yes, it’s only been a short while since you’ve been around each other and you have a good relationship going, but as time passes only more questions rise from it. To be honest and straight forward with you, I apologize if what I will say may hurt you or upset you but sometimes we have to listen and pay attention to what we don’t want to hear.

Just because he has introduced you to friends, family, those important and spends time with you, that does not mean it is important for him unlike for you. To him it is a simple routine he functions with and is used to with those he chooses to be involved with. His family and friends are also used to seeing one after the other regardless.

I know sometimes it is hard to understand even what you are personally looking for and even harder to ask for things you want when you are afraid what you have now can be ruined. You have to acknowledge and understand that there is always a risk of something going wrong, therefore causing an end to what you have with this man and anyone in general, regardless of the type of relationship, friends, etc.

If I were you the first few things I’d begin doing are:

1) be a little more selfish with yourself and your time, meaning do not spend time with him every time he wants to and do what you need to do at hand, your daily tasks. Focus on you in becoming a better you because you are better than you think.

2) Do not reply immediately or even for a couple hours and gradually days when he calls or text messages you. Reply every now and then, I’d say starting somewhere around a couple hours then 48 hours.

3) Give yourself and him space and lower the frequency of your communication level. Call once and message every two weeks then make it one week then another three weeks just to see how each of you are doing and you can go out only once within two different periods. For example if you contact him after one week you can go out somewhere and spend time with him once. Then again two weeks later.

4) Do not always give in to sexual temptation and do not initiate it, ever. Every now and then is ok, like one time one week then not until the next month. If he does not initiate after one month do not get upset, also this all depends how active you both are. Understand sex is important but not everything. It isn’t the glue that makes everything better or keeps you together either. A man doesn’t choose a woman just based on the sex, they look at the overall package and qualities just like women because understand that men can get sex from numerous sources.

5) Do not believe absolutely 100% of what he tells you regarding for example how you said he told you, you are the only one he’s doing things with. That may and may not be true, and you will not know the truth, but that’s ok. Just analyze, observe him, the meanings behind what he says or does when it comes to you versus in general. Keep the details to yourself.

6) Do not feel bad about yourself or think you are lacking because in truth a person may or may not honestly care and may or may not realize they are hurting your feelings. Be happy with yourself and do not make the relationship your only or grand source for happiness. Life is more than that, and love needs to understand. It is hard to do what you should do when your feelings tell you something different. Understand yourself more, be patient with yourself and get to know yourself more, know when to put your foot done so to speak for yourself.

7) Believe in what will be, will be. Believe that perhaps he is for you or he may not be and that’s ok. Believe that things happen for a reason.

8) Value yourself as the best woman anyone would be extremely lucky to share a life with. Depend on yourself more than anything and know that only you truly know what is best for you regardless of what anyone, even I might say. In the end you will understand why you make or made your decisions and you’ll learn a little bit more, that’s life, maybe complicated at times, but that’s still ok.

Well, I hope this helps guide you and that you take this advice into consideration. It was a privilege learning your story/ situation and getting the opportunity to reach out to you. Good luck!

Sincerely,

JRove22

[kate94]

Thanks you both so much for the advise. It gave me a prospective on what to do. However, wouldn’t be a little extreme to ignore him and reply late to his calls and messages? as JRove22 suggested, because I don’t want to break up with him, I just want to know what he is thinking about me. Also do you think he said he doesn’t want to be super serious because he needs more time to figure out what he wants or he just will never get serious, because of the age difference maybe? Lastly, is continue dating him for now the right thing to do or not? And if so, how can I know (what are the signs) if he’s getting serious about me and if he got career and family plans, as April mentioned, or not?

Thank you again. You time and help are highly appreciated

[AskApril Masini]

I agree with JRove22 that you should play hard to get a little more than you have been. I don’t think JRove22 intended for you to ignore him — just don’t make him the center of your universe. Not only does playing hard to get give him the message that you’re not a push over and he’s going to have to work to get and keep you, but it gives you self esteem and reduces any neediness you’re feeling. I know that you want to know what he’s thinking about you — but I think you do. He’s been pretty upfront about everything. He just isn’t telling you exactly what you want to hear. 😉

[quote]Also do you think he said he doesn’t want to be super serious because he needs more time to figure out what he wants or he just will never get serious, because of the age difference maybe? [/quote]

I don’t think the age difference has anything to do with any of this. I think two months of dating is still in the getting to know you phase. I recommend using the first three months of dating to figure out if you want to continue dating each other. If you do, use the second three months to figure out if you want to be monogamous! In other words, you’re jumping the by wanting a commitment this soon in the relationship — but you’re not wrong to learn what he’s looking for in a future relationship. 😉 I think your discomfort is that you may not be liking what you’re learning, more than you’re letting on.

[quote]Lastly, is continue dating him for now the right thing to do or not? And if so, how can I know (what are the signs) if he’s getting serious about me and if he got career and family plans, as April mentioned, or not? [/quote]

Yes, I think you should continue dating him. You’ll know if he’s getting serious if he starts introducing you as his girlfriend, doing things with you and other couples, and treating you like a long-term girlfriend. 🙂

[kate94]

Thank you so much for your helpful reply. I think you’re right, I’m rushing into things way too soon. I’ll slow down, play hard to get a little more, and see if he’s getting serious and weather or not he is the man I want to be serious with in the next three months or so and for now I’ll focus more on my self.

Thank you again. You gave me a peace of mind!!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[kate94]

Yesterday I was talking with one of my guy friends and I was telling him about the guy I’m dating (the guy I mentioned in my first post above) and I told him how he told me that he doesn’t want me to have crazy expectation like marriage. So my friend went on and said “from a guy’s point of view, I understand that guys don’t like to make things official soon before they get to know the girl but If he is telling you directly that he doesn’t want you to expect marriage, then he’s warning you to never get serious and all he wants is just fun.” and he also said “If I really like a girl and even if I don’t want to make things official yet, I wouldn’t tell her not to have serious expectation like marriage unless if I just want to have fun with her and nothing more.” that’s exactly what my friend says and I think he got a point, I mean what he says kinda make sense. It really freaks me out because now I know I love him and I don’t want to get hurt. What do you think? Do you think my friend is right? Should I talk to him again about us or should I break up with him?

Btw, this guy friend of mine used to like me a lot, I don’t if he still likes me or not. So do think that has anything to do with what he said, I mean did he say that because he likes me and he doesn’t want me to be with this guy? even though I think what he said makes some sense.

I stopped thinking about the whole thing till my friend said what he said. Please help me figure out what to do.

Thanks very much

[AskApril Masini]

You haven’t been dating very long. 😉 I like the original advice I gave you:

[quote]It sounds like you want a serious relationship and he doesn’t. What he hasn’t told you is what he wants for himself for the future. Obviously, you don’t want to grill him, but do use the dating period wisely to get to know him and to get to know what it is he wants to do with his life. If he sounds like someone who’s got career plans, family plans, and can see himself in a certain lifestyle that includes marriage — and all those things sound good to you, then you should rest assured it’s just too soon to become serious about each other — but a definite possibility in the future because you’re both on the same personal tracks. However, if he’s a 32 year guy who’s having fun dating a younger woman and is really not forward thinking, he may not be compatible for you because of the nature of the relationship you want to have. [/quote]

Your friend could be right, but you don’t know, and the way to find out is to get to know this guy a little further.

I hope that helps!

[kate94]

He doesn’t really talk about his future plans. Even though now he wants to get his master’s degree and pursue a different career so he is going to quit his job and focus more in school (one of my friends said that he probably doesn’t want a commitment now because he is trying to figure out his life with school and work). He is also working on a small project with his friend and talks to me about it a lot but other than that I don’t really know about his future plans. Should I maybe ask him in an indirect causal way about his past relationship experiences and if he wants to have a small or big family and stuff like that? What do you think?

Thanks a lot

[AskApril Masini]

Just make sure it doesn’t come across as grilling him. 😉 You’ve only been dating for 2 months, and you’re still in the getting to know each other phase, so let things come out, and if he doesn’t ask you about your future, or suggest anything about his, then you should understand he’s not really thinking about the long-term — with you, and possibly not about himself, either. 😉

[kate94]

you mean if he doesn’t ask me after I ask him or in general?

[AskApril Masini]

I was speaking in general terms. If you’re going to talk to him about the future, just be careful not to come across as grilling him. 😉

[kate94]

Thanks a lot! I really appreciate your advice! He invited me over at his family’s house and I’ll make dinner for him and his parents. I hope things work well and he turns out to be a serious person.

Again, thank you for your very helpful prompt replies!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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