[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. At the beginning, our relationship was perfect..we used to to have so much fun together, and travel to different places.. a year later I moved in with him and his family..his parents and himself are literally the nicest people I have ever met, and have constantly treated me like their own daughter.. and have provided everything ( from food to shelter to safety) from me .. My boyfriend cares deeply about me and will do anything in his power to make me happy.. ( he will take me to school and back even though we live 40 min (drive) away from school..he has helped me with job applications, grad school apps since he is really good at this stuff… but there are some problems…in the past two years we have been fighting a lot.. our relationship is very boring, and does not have that spark anymore, he does blame me for this since most of the times I don’t have the time to go out because of school commitments, and I would not have sex with him.. I just feel no sexual desire whatsoever. ..it took me five years to finally introduce him to my family .. and he does not appreciate that… another huge problem is that he is Muslim and from another country.. and i come from a religion that hates Islam, so my parents are completely against our marriage.. I have talked to my boyfriend about this issue several times, since he wants his kids to follow his religion, but I want my kids to follow mine.. I told him we should talk about it so when the time for marriage comes we don’t separate then.. i told him if we cant agree on it then its better to go our separate ways now so we would not be in more pain later on.. but he says our relationship has a lot of other problems that need to be fixed before we talk about those stuff..the problem he has with me is that i am very lazy ( and i admit it ) iam .. i leave everything to the last mintue, and just wanna go to school and come home.. but he wants me to have a job on the side.. and has been constantly pressuring me to get a nice job (he says these things are for my own benefit even if i dont end up with him) he says he cares about me and my life,, and wants me to be successul.. he says if i have no job experiences who would want to give me a job later on.. basacially he is thinking about his future with me and wants me to be that perfect wife who brings home money but also takes good care of the kids.. he would get mad at me for not making appointments with my dentist, not going to get drivers licence.. but he is telling me that he is just starting to realize after 5 years taht thas just the person i am , and he can not change my personality.. it really bothers him.. every time i call him he says something about it.. and he has this sadness in his voice.. i can tell he thinks about it every day .. in fact he told me he thinks about why i would not want to do those things that a normal human being is supposed to .. and he thinks about it every single second.. him on the other side.. very hard worker.. is doing grad school and has a full time job.. stays up all night to finish what he has to do… BUT the biggest problem that i have with him.. is that he never compliments me ..i mean he used to do before, but anymore.. he always tell me that he will never meet a girl as sweet as me .. and eventhough he knows i am beautiful he still makes fun of me.. tells me things like oh your cousins are so hot.. u look like u could be their aunt.. i know he is just telling me these things to get me start getting in shape (btw i am only overweight by 10 lbs),, but he doesnt know how much they bother me and how much they kill my sexual desire toward him.. i dont feel confident around him.. SO 8 months ago a new guy entered my life, i dont even know how it started, but before I knew it i was starting to develop feelings for this new guy- btw he is from my country and shares the same religion.. ( he constantly tells me how beautiful i am .. tells me all these things that I have missed hearing for the past 5 years.. and he is serious about us.. since he has already talked to my mom, and his whole family know taht he is crazy for me.. he just loves me insanely ….. its true that women fall in love with their ears.. when i am arond him i feel so beautiful because of constant compliment.. in his eyes I am perfect. .. in fact the most beautiful girl in the whole world.. btw this new guy knows i have a bf..at first.. i liked him for couple of days but then starting feeling guilty so tried to hate him.. especially after i talked to my friends, and they called him stalker.. which made me hate him so much.. i would tell my friends all these crazy things he told me (for example.. he would be like i wish i could just look at u all day.. he would say he thinks of me as an angel.. as something so precious .. and he sees himself completed only with me.. so right now .. i have been living AWAY from bf and his family for the past two months since I moved with my parents (who lives 2hrs away) to work on my grad school thesis.. my bf calls me lets say once every two weeks.. but this guy calls me 10 times per day to hear my voice.. these things are making start questioning whether this relationsihp is me.. how come my bf never calls me.. how come he does not miss me.. even when i am in his house.. he is constantly out with his boys.. but he still cares about me a lot.. he just helped me improve my resume for this great job offer.. he worked so much on my CV.. and made it look perfect.. the other day I called him and i was crying .. he drove 2 hrs right after work to come and take me out.. i know he cares so much about me , but i think its because he feels sorry for me.. he even said it.. he thinks i will not survive without him, and feels responsible to make sure i am ok and fed and warm… i feel so guilty for talking to this other day and seeing him .. i keep thinking about what would happen to my bf if i leave him after he put all this money, effort, and energy into me..especially since we are both 27.. he thought we gonna get married.. how is he gonna go find another person.. put all this energy once again into a relationship.. i feel horrible.. but i donno .. what about my parents.. i want to make them happy too. i want them to be able to see my kids, and be proud of them.. but they wont if my kids end up muslim.. what about ther future?? would the kids be confused btw the two religions??? what about this new guy?? .. he is not as successful as my bf.. but he makes me feel sooooo special.. but what if he changes .. I am so confused.. i have been crying so hard .. i do love my bf and care about him .. everytime i see my boyfriend i forget this other guy..i literally feel so bad for him which makes me cry inside,, but everytime i hear this new guys voice, i forget about my bf . i DONNO WHAT TO DO..PLEASE HELP ME !!

[Anonymous]

Hi April, it’s me again .. I apologize for the very long post, I didnt realize how long it was.. I hope you find time to read it.. your advise is really important to me .. Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At age 27 you’ve put yourself in so many situations where other people take care of you. You went from one boyfriend to the next. You moved in with his parents and then when things went south, you moved in with YOUR parents. Have you ever lived on your own? If not, I think that’s your next step.

I think you’re not ready to get married, and there are too many big problems in your relationship with your Muslim boyfriend of five years. While he has some wonderful qualities, this isn’t going to work. The religion problems are deal breakers, and he’s avoiding this issue with you because he wants his way and his way only.

This other guy may or may not be Mr. Right, but right now, he’s Mr. Get Out Of My Relationship with My Current Boyfriend! I think he’s your rebound guy. The transitional man who helps you get out of the five year relationship you’re in that is breaking down, but is still limping along.

My advice is to end the engagement and relationship with your current boyfriend and focus on finishing your studies and moving out of your parents home to live on your own. When you are clear headed then you’ll be better able to focus on dating. Right now, you’re not clear headed. You know the right thing to do for the long run is to break up with your boyfriend, but breaking up is hard to do. I’m sorry you’re suffering, but the pain won’t kill you. You’ll get through it.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

And please join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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