[buzzkman]

Hi April,

I met this girl online almost a year ago. We talk everyday on the phone. She calls me about 3-4 times everyday. She lives in Canada and I live in California. Its been a long distance thing, but she did come here about two months and we finally met in person. Even though we just met, I felt like I already knew her, as did she. With that said, we did move pretty fast. We had sex, I took her virginity, etc, and we had a great time. I spent the whole week with her when I was not working and stayed with her every night. We went places and really hit it off. Now its my turn to go there and visit her, but this is where I’m a little hesitant.

She is of persian decent, and grew up in a traditional persian family. When a man wants a wife, it is typical for that man to go meet the parents first (it is just her mom) for approval, and then the man will have the permission to date and marry the daughter. So that is fine and dandy. But she has not told her mom about me yet, because she said she is scared.

She said that if her mom found out about me, that me and her will probably not be able to talk anymore. Am I wrong to not want to go there anymore? My argument here is that over the course of the year I’ve known her, her mother has set her up on numerous dates for her to get engaged. Since her mom did not know about me, she agreed to go on these dates to satisfy her mother. She always ended the dates telling the other person that she isn’t interested, as she says. So what will be the problem with her mom knowing about me? I mean its almost been a year already, and we already talk about marriage and kids (im 30, she is 24), she says she loves me all the time, but I don’t get why she can’t tell her mother about me. Her argument is that if she tells her mom, her mom will want to know wedding dates, etc. However, I have a different thought in my head. I believe she doesn’t really know what she wants, and is using her mom as an excuse. What would you do if you were me? I mean, if she says her mom wont approve now, what will happen in a year when we were engaged? If her mom finds out then and doesn’t approve of me, I’ve just wasted 2 years.

I’m thinking of telling her that I’m ending this relationship and that we can be friends. If she wants the relationship to continue, then she has to tell her mother for god sakes instead of making he hang on and hope her mother will approve. Although she hasn’t said it, I think it is clear that if her mother doesn’t approve, she will obey her mother and let me go, which is weird because I agreed to move there for us to be together.

Awaiting your advice…. Thank you

BuzzKman

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re very clear headed and you’ve got this situation figured out. I might add that it sounds like she is rebelling against her mother and her family’s culture by keeping you as her “bad boy” separate and secret. When people feel repressed they have a tendency to rebel. Sometimes the rebellion is public — it can be a tattoo or a radical hair style or mode of clothing. Sometimes the rebellion takes the form of art like music or poetry. Other people act out in their relationships and you’ll often find someone from a strict tradition marrying way out of their culture as a way to rebel against it. These relationships can work out just fine — but there has to be a mutual understanding of what’s going on.

I think your girlfriend either wants to get caught or else she wants to keep you secret to heighten the excitement she feels in dating you, the forbidden fruit.

If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you’re right, she has to man up and tell her family that you’re important to her. If she doesn’t, you’ll know this isn’t that serious relationship you’re looking for.

[buzzkman]

Hello April,

I’m back but now I’m heart broken. I took your advice and talked to her about this and she said she wants me to formally come to her mom’s house and ask for her daughters hand in marriage. So I agreed to do that in the upcoming months while I get things situated here. Our relationship got back to normal and it was good. We talked everyday, for over 2 hours a day. She was supposed to come here next week for a visit, but I found out something. My cousin is part of a paid dating site, and he found her on there as an active new member. He messaged her while she was online but she declined his message. He told me the next day, and I logged into his account and saw her profile, pictures, and read all her info. Based on her recent activity log, it looked like after she declined the message from my cousin the night before, she called me after as usual and would tell me how much she wants to be with me, and to have my kids, to get married, and preparing to come here next week, etc.

I called her, and she didn’t answer. She responded by text. I asked her if everything was going good and if there was anything she might want to tell me? She said no, and said not to pay too much attention to my cousin. A few minutes later she replied again saying that she couldn’t believe why I wouldn’t just tell her that I talked to my cousin, and that her friend was using her account last night because her friend is ugly and desperate. She then said she is very stressed and needed to go back and prepare for her sisters wedding which was this past weekend (I found out about all this and called her on Thursday). I didn’t reply at all. She stopped contacting me after this point (Thursday). She usually calls 3-4 times I day.

I sent her one last message yesterday (Monday) by text telling her that she hurt me with her lies, and that I don’t know if I can trust her anymore. (Over the course of the year, she has said some things that are sometimes hard to believe, but I believed her because I trusted her. She also had sent me a message once addressing me by another man’s name way in the beginning of our relationship, but she said her friend was using her phone to send messages too. I didn’t think too much about that, but now its making more sense). I also said I’m going my own way and hope her the best. She didn’t reply and I didn’t expect her too.

I’m just laying in a bed of confusion now. I have been talking to her almost everyday for a year, usually more than 2 hours a day.. It doesn’t make sense to me. Only thing I can think of is that while she was preparing for her younger sisters wedding which was this past weekend, she probably panicked and is looking for a quick solution for someone more local so she can settle down right away. On her dating profile, she said she is looking to settle down right away as soon as possible.

So my question is, why would somebody do this? Why would a woman play all lovey dovy, say she can’t imagine life without me, etc, to completely turning 180 degrees on me, without any reason or explanation? She said she loved me everyday, and she would call me every night because she said she couldn’t fall asleep without hearing my voice, and would fall asleep while talking to me.

I’m not really looking for a solution. Maybe just an opinion from a woman of why a woman at age 24 would do this to somebody that she says she loves.

I would love closure with her though, but I don’t think I’ll get it. I gave her a lot of my time and don’t deserve to be shut out like this. Do you think I will ever hear from her again? I’m not planning on contacting her at all anymore.

Thank you April

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Re-read the advice I gave you. It stands. 😐

When people live in repressed cultures, they sometimes have a tendency to act out. By keeping you secret — and these other men she’s also playing, secret — she has a way to act out against a rigid culture and home life.

My advice to you is that the internet is a great tool to meet people, but it’s a bad device on which to conduct the entire, or the bulk, of a relationship. It sounds like you didn’t have a lot of actual dating time over the course of a year, and you didn’t really get to know her. In your next relationship, choose someone you can actually date in person at least several times a month!

Learn from these mistakes, and move on to a better relationship as a result of your knowledge. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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