[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating this guy for about seven months now, and we had both gotten out of long term relationships prior. Mine had been much longer, but I can say with all honesty I am over the ex and want to move on with my life and see great potential in this new man.

Things were going great until about five months in. He was always incredibly sweet and talking about the future and making plans for all of these things we could do. I felt like I’d won the lotto. I could talk to him about absolutely anything, and he was always so understanding. Then, one day, he said he wanted to break up. He said we were too different. Since I hadn’t really noticed a problem, I eventually called him on it, and he said he felt like he’d made a huge mistake. We got together and talked, and he gave me a long spiel about the thoughts in his head, but at the very end made mention of his ex moving on. Red flag. I tried to write it off, but I felt like this was the true reason he had “freaked out” considering things had been fine until she moved forward with her love life.

We got back together, and I’ve been very guarded about the entire thing. He’s still been very sweet, but I had the bad thought in the back of my head that the ex was bothering him. I went three weeks without saying a thing and trying to swallow it down, but it eventually become too much when I felt his behavior was more distant. We started talking, and I said flat out- “You’re not over your ex completely, are you?” He was incredibly surprised that I had guessed this, and I told him I’m very good at reading people. We talked for a while longer in a very rational, calm manner, and I explained that I understood it can be very hard to see your ex move on, but also that I felt he was just missing her because now he couldn’t have her… and he said the same thought has been going through his head.

He said he still wants to be with me. He’s afraid he’s over analyzing and he’s going to throw away something great that we have. His last relationship ended because of an irreconcilable difference that isn’t a big deal to him, but a huge one for her. It’s very frustrating for me because I have always been so accepting of who he is, and it makes me angry he would want to be with someone who wanted him to change something he was not willing to change.

We ended it by saying we’re dating… so we’ll see where it goes, because we are happy together. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being a complete idiot, and I’m letting this guy take advantage of me. I know that’s not what he’s doing intentionally, but I feel like this is a repeat of my last relationship in so many ways. And THAT ended horribly. I feel stuck in this position where I see great potential in this man, but I do NOT want to be his doormat.

Is there any hope in this situation if I stick around and try to be patient, or should I break it off and tell him to come back when/if he’s not feeling so conflicted? I’m just so tired of feeling like men only want to be with the woman they can’t have.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you don’t want to repeat the cycle, then understand that this is not a man who is ready to commit to you, and if you want a commitment, then you have to move on. Falling in love with someone who has “potential” is a bad idea. You didn’t mention your age or his, but if you’re in your 20s or older, you need to see a man for who he IS, not who he COULD BE. This is clearly a guy who is finding his way, and you’re just scenery in his adventure.

Stop blaming him and his ex-girlfriend and look in the mirror. Decide what kind of woman YOU want to be, and if it’s a woman who dates smart and gets the relationship she wants, then you have to choose more wisely. I strongly suggest you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you understand better how to get the relationship you want by choosing Mr. Right! 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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