[annaowen]

I have a question.

An ex of mine, from a long time ago, used to come in and out of my life constantly. I would be over him and then, low and behold, he would call or knock on my door – show interest for a few weeks – and leave my life again. I always liked him, and wanted him in my life, and never got angry or upset when he did stuff like this. I did remember it and at times held out for something better than passing interest, but I always opened the door for him when he needed me without question.

So here’s the thing…

The last few years, I have needed him. I relied on him a lot after a break up and during a low point in my life, and he said he was okay with it. Now I hoped we had a friendship where it was something I could do without any hope or expectation in return, but I know few people do anything directly out of kindness (especially guys for girls). Whatever his intention was, I don’t know. I have a feeling it was a relationship of some sort, however, based on our past history I was reluctant but I did wish to maintain and establish a friendship with this person. That didn’t happen. And although I continued to try to establish and build a friendship with him on my side, his version of a “relationship” with me never materialized into what he wanted. Make no mistake about it, he didn’t pursue it hard. He did, though, get angry and irritated because he didn’t know what I wanted from him.

On my side it seems obvious what I wanted – friendship at least, although I did tell him numerous times I was looking for something more. Something which he never directly responded to in either way, choosing to respond only to communication that was more general in nature. Now, none of this he had to do at all. Was I persistent in trying to be his friend? Yes. Who wouldn’t want to be my friend (besides this guy, of course!)? I think I have proven over the years that I have always cared about him and would do almost anything for him without question – except, I was no longer willing to be a stop on his way to someone else.

Why would a guy who has used me in that way over the years be angry and irritated that for once in my life I asked for him to do something for me (which he did) but didn’t get anything that he wanted in return for? Why the double-standard?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It really sounds to me like your ex-boyfriend came in and out of your life and you took him in when he came back — something I wouldn’t have recommended — and now you’re angry because you expected him to reciprocate the same way, now that you’re looking for his attention. Then, there appears to be some confusion over what each one of you wants from the other — which is entirely understandable because [i]I’m[/i] confused about what you both wanted, and I’m just reading this!

The bottom line is this: Men and women shouldn’t be friends — for exactly this reason. One person always wants something more than the other and confusion ensues. Especially when you’re ex-boyfriend and girlfriend. This theme comes up a lot on this forum, and some people think that they should be able to be friends with people, regardless of attraction, sexuality, past romances, etc. In an ideal world….. wait a minute! This isn’t an idea world — it’s reality. And [i]in reality[/i], this doesn’t work.

If you’re serious about dating, you need to keep your friends separate from your dates and ex-dates, and if a guy you used to date swims in and out of your life, there are bound to be mixed feelings and confusing relations. So it’s time to let him go for good.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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