[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 2 months ago. He and I still talk, occassionally. He hasn’t moved on to dating anyone else and neither have I. In all honesty I was the reason we broke up. I was extremely difficult to be around because I was very unhappy with myself. It just became too much for him to deal with. At first, I called and texted all the time begging him for another chance. Well I have stopped doing that and here for a while we have been getting along pretty well having short but civil conversations. He has told me that he wants me to be in his life but that I need to change the way I act and the way I treat him….and that there is a possibility of reconciliation. My question is how do I show him I can change? And how long should I wait for us to reconcile before I give up?

[Ask April Masini]

The important thing you need to do is to make any changes in your own behavior for you — not for him. That’s the true way to make lasting changes. If you are truly unhappy with yourself, then your feelings are only going to be complicated by being in a relationship. Before you can have success in a relationship, you have to be healthy in your own life. And while [i]everyone[/i] has some problems, there are different levels of problems and functionality.

Since you haven’t mentioned what it is about your life that makes you feel unhappy and unsatisfied, I can only tell you that you need to work on yourself to solve this problem. Whatever that means to your situation, you need to do it.

If, on the other hand, the real problem is that you’re fine with your life, but he’s the one who’s unhappy with his own life and is just projecting his own problems onto you — or else he feels you don’t measure up to his standards (whatever they may be), that’s a set of different problems.

So let me know a little more about your situation for more specific advice. Otherwise, remember that until you are happy with yourself, you can’t be happy in a relationship with anyone else.

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