[ly42212]

Hello April,
I’m college and have been in a relationship for the past 3 years with the love of my life. Through our relationship we had some ups and downs but we were always there for eachother through thick and thin. During the last year of our relationship it was a little rocky. My ex is a loveable girl and she looks really good and a lot of guys try to talk to her. She has this thing where she doesn’t like to be rude to others but a lot of guys take her friendliness for flirting. When this happened I would always tell her I don’t think she should talk to this person or that person because they never talked to her before but when they see her out in public all dressed up and they want to open that line of communication again. We knew of eachother growing up but didn’t really talk much but she was friends with a lot of guys growing up. Well there was this one guy that she dated in 11th grade for 3 weeks then he broke up with her and never talked to her again. Unitl now, he reached out to her and asked to go to lunch while we were dating. She brought it up to me and I said no and she didn’t go. But she says for that last year of us dating she felt like I was controlling because I would tell her not to do things or hangout with people which i thought was right since we were in a relationship. Recently we had a fall through where she broke up with me because she said she needed to find her self and find out what she wants, which she is waiting to hear back from some grad schools to get her Phd in Biomedical Engineering. Oh shes smart as hell I left that out. The next two weeks I didn’t really talk to her much at all because I had someone else taking my mind off of her. I admit that was a mistake on my part. Then one day I blew up and cursed her out and said a few choice of words that you should never say to a lady. I regret everything I said. Since then she has forgiven me but she claims she can’t forget what I said to her. Recently, I found out she reached out to this guy the 2nd week I ignored her and they have been talking since. She says that they are just friends but everything that she does with him is so secretive. If she was straight up with me I would be fine but I feel like they are more than just friends. The part that really confuses me is that she wants to be friends and wants us to start fresh and if something comes out of it then great but she doesn’t want a relationship but her and this other guy sure talk a lot. Now she tells me she doesn’t want to date but on her social media she still has all of our pictures, still says shes taken, I’m still her background till this day and my name is still chunky in her phone which was my nickname. She claims that stuff is just normal to her so she doesn’t really pay attention to it but if you were done with someone would you not get rid of all that stuff. She is really confusing me and I don’t know what I should do Idk if I can be an honest friend with her because I love her so much and I’m scared if I cut off communication with her she may really move on cause she is the type that doesn’t really care about much. I keep telling her I think this guy is just here cause she going places in life and he wants to jump on the bandwagon but I actually care for her and I don’t know if she sees that. Should I try to be friends with her or give her her space and hope it all works out?

-ly42212

[Ask April Masini]

Since the two of you have broken up, and she’s looking to move on, I think you should take your cue from her, and move on. The social media photos mean less than her behavior. And she could have just not gotten around to replacing them, or they might not be as important to her as they feel to you. I know you want her back, but after three years and a clear break up, the best thing you can do is move on. Whether or not she’s dating someone from her past or not is no longer your business. You’ll be a lot happier when you start dating someone else, and you’ll be less focused on her, and more on your future.

As for friendship, let it go. It’s not really a friendship, anyway. Why? First of all, men and women can’t be friends. One reason is that there’s always an undercurrent of chemistry, romance or some other dating desire — if not from both people, then at least one. This isn’t the basis of friendship — it’s romance. Or lust! Second, it’s impossible to be truly honest and happy for each other. For instance, a true friend would be excited for her that she’s meeting with these new guys — but because you’ve still got romantic feelings for her, you’re acting like an ex-boyfriend, not a true friend. 😉 A friend would have been happy that the guy she dated in 11th grade reached out to her! You weren’t. 😕 And if she felt that you were truly a friend, she wouldn’t be so secretive about this other “friend” she’s seeing.

I know it’s disturbing to have to move on after three years, but it’s going to be the best thing for you.

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