[garfield11]

I (my age 43) am in a 3 year relationship with a man (age 44) who ex wife is constantly calling or stopping by for the “sake of the children”. I moved out 3 months ago and now evertime she drops off the kids she has to use the bathroom and now she is “making her self at home” so to say by sitting around the kitchen table “chatting” with him. I have asked him to set boundaries with her but he doesn’t.. She borrows money from him saying it is for the kids (he pay her child support plus pays for all their “extra” stuff) and never pays him back and now she is pushing her kids off on her friends. When I bring up the subject he defends her and then throws my ex or my daughter in the mix stating they do this or that. I am at my end with this .Am I being unrealistic or should there be clear boundaries set.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

If you were in a three year relationship with this man, and then moved out three months ago, it seems like your relationship with him is winding down or breaking up. 😳 If this is the case, then his relationship with his ex-wife shouldn’t bother you any more, especially if the two of you are cooling things down.

There isn’t really a black and white way to be with ex-spouses, and when there are kids involved, it’s always best when everyone can get along for the sake of the kids. If his ex-wife is nice to you and your daughter, and the two of them get along and don’t threaten your relationship with him, then I’m not sure that this is really a problem, as you’ve described it. 😕 It sounds like you’re looking for a dictionary definition of how his relationship with his ex should be, and the reality is that the three or four of you (you, your ex, him and his ex) can make it up as you go along, as long as everyone is doing what’s best for the kids. 🙂

[garfield11]

His ex does not have a problem with my kids nor I with hers. The problem was he did not get along with my daughter 15 yrs old because he did not agree with my methods of dispcline vs. his and I could not take my kids (i also have a son 10 yrs) sitting on pins and needles all the time. He believes it is all my fault and my daughters fault for me moving out. On top of that his ex wife calls for personal favors for herself like borrowing money which we didn’t have and he sure doesn’t have alone without me living there and does not want him to go through the court to get credit on his account for the time he is always taking the kids for her not on his scheduled court appointed time. I dont have a problem with him having the kids, I have told him to get custody actually, but I do have a problem with her manlipulating him for her own personal benefit. She borrows money from her children and does not pay them back, she is constantly leaving them with her friends so she doesn’t have to drive out of her way to take them to school. On the flip side of that he will browbeat me if I met my ex half way to get my kids or if he is working I will take them to his house in the same town I work because he feels he is a failure as a father. When I moved out, we agree to keep seeing each other exclusively the only thing that would change is basically I don’t live with him. Well now he is usually too tired to drive 10 mins down to my house and I have a hard time because I have kids so we are really not seeing each other as planned. I have put alot of energy and time into this relationship but I don’t see how things are ever going to be different. He still “blames” me for everything wrong and now he is starting to “blow” me off. Obviously I should walk away but I moved away from my friends and family to be with him and am basically 100% on my own which I am basically now. I can’t seem to cut the sexual or emotional tie I have to him and as stupid as this sounds I still have hope that we both will grow/heal together, I love him and he expresses the same. He is a great guy when his baggage is calm. Should I cut the strings and let the cards fall where they may or do you have any suggestions I may try obviously this is alot of information to type sorry. 😯

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It really doesn’t sound like the ex-wife is the problem here…..

[quote]His ex does not have a problem with my kids nor I with hers. The problem was he did not get along with my daughter 15 yrs old because he did not agree with my methods of dispcline vs. his and I could not take my kids (i also have a son 10 yrs) sitting on pins and needles all the time. He believes it is all my fault and my daughters fault for me moving out….[/quote]

It sounds like the problem is between the two of you. Teenagers are tough in the best circumstances, and blended family situations are exponentially difficult. My advice is to work out a mutually agreed on way to parent your children. If you needed to move out because of this parenting issue, you either solve it and stay together, or agree to disagree and stay together, or decide that the parenting issue is a deal breaker and move on. Right now, you’re in limbo — and that’s no good for anyone. Plus, it sounds like you’re displacing the blame on his ex-wife, when she’s just a lightning rod for what’s wrong between you and your boyfriend. 😳

[quote]On top of that his ex wife calls for personal favors for herself like borrowing money which we didn’t have and he sure doesn’t have alone without me living there and does not want him to go through the court to get credit on his account for the time he is always taking the kids for her not on his scheduled court appointed time.[/quote]

Again, it really seems like the problem isn’t the ex-wife. She asked to borrow money from her ex-husband and he agreed. That’s not her fault. Also, if she doesn’t want him to go to court — that’s her business. What’s really angering you is that HE won’t go to court and straighten out things you want him to, but he doesn’t. Again, this is a problem you are having with him, and the ex-wife isn’t the problem. She’s just the symptom.

[quote]On the flip side of that he will browbeat me if I met my ex half way to get my kids or if he is working I will take them to his house in the same town I work because he feels he is a failure as a father. [/quote]

If he’s giving you a hard time about your custody arrangement with your children’s’ father, then you might want to ask him to agree to disagree, but to let it go. It’s okay to disagree in relationships, but you can’t keep bringing up something that’s been decided. You’ll create a bigger problem.

[quote]When I moved out, we agree to keep seeing each other exclusively the only thing that would change is basically I don’t live with him. Well now he is usually too tired to drive 10 mins down to my house and I have a hard time because I have kids so we are really not seeing each other as planned. I have put alot of energy and time into this relationship but I don’t see how things are ever going to be different. He still “blames” me for everything wrong and now he is starting to “blow” me off. Obviously I should walk away but I moved away from my friends and family to be with him and am basically 100% on my own which I am basically now.[/quote]

I think you’ve solved your own problem here. This isn’t a good match for either one of you. Dating a single parent is a lot more complicated than dating someone without children because you have to consider each other’s kids, exes, and parenting styles in addition to everything else that goes into compatibility.

[quote]I can’t seem to cut the sexual or emotional tie I have to him and as stupid as this sounds I still have hope that we both will grow/heal together, I love him and he expresses the same. He is a great guy when his baggage is calm. Should I cut the strings and let the cards fall where they may or do you have any suggestions I may try [/quote]

Love isn’t enough here — not even close. You have too many problems to make this work because you’re not compatible. My advice is to move on. I know it’s hard to move on after three years and a move, but you don’t have to be a victim. You can move again. You can cultivate new friends and new relationships — and you can even find someone else to date! 😉

I know this is tough — but you can do it.

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