[Jill]

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue via e-mail with no explanation. Neither of us contacted the other for about a month. In the meantime, I’ve started dating a great guy. I like him a lot and see lots of potential there, but I still have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend.

About 10 days ago my ex-boyfriend sent me an e-mail with an explanation that was so improbable it’s insulting, saying he just wanted to explain the sudden change. I didn’t respond. The next day he sent me an e-mail acting like nothing had happened, but asking questions and hinting that he’d like to hear from me. At first I didn’t respond. Then a week later, I decided to at least let him know I’m doing well, glad he’s doing well, and not bitter. What I did may in retrospect seem a little childish, but I responded to his second e-mail (which had hinted for a response) with a simple smiley face 🙂

Well, since then he has sent me two flirty e-mails, the second of which hints about seeing me again.

So that’s 4 e-mails, but only the first one acknowledges what happened between us. The subsequent 3 are practically as if nothing has happened. Even under his version of events, he made a unilateral decision based upon how he expected me to react without consulting me. I’m not even sure I want to be in contact with him, but if I am to be, he needs to know that I am not a doormat and it is not okay to give an improbable explanation for his behavior and then pick up where he left off. That would set a bad precedent were we to go forward. In essence to act as if nothing has happened is telling him he can dump me at any time just to come back any time he wants. That’s not okay. How can I convey this message without seeming bitter? What should I say? Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, decide if you want to date him again. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you do. 😕 You’re angry with him for having treated you with disregard. So, if I’m wrong and you do want to date him, then go right ahead and lose the bitterness. But if you don’t want to date him, tell him you’re not interested in dating any more and you wish him well. If he wasn’t able to properly break up with you, that doesn’t mean you can’t. 😉

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[Jill]

Thanks. I have very strong feelings for this guy, but obviously have lost some trust due to what happened. Let’s say that I do want to date him again and lose the bitterness.

I just want any relationship we have going forward to have mutual trust and respect. If I don’t say anything and we just pick up where we left off, am I not setting up a dynamic where he thinks he can drop me and pick me up whenever he pleases? Is there a way to express my concern over what happened without sounding bitter?

If we do reconcile, then I’d like for this experience to somehow bring us closer rather than set the stage for history repeatting itself.

What can I do or say to make sure he values me too much to do this again without sounding bitter?

Thanks again

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Break ups don’t happen out of the blue. While you may be surprised by his sudden break up behavior, he’s made it clear that not only is this normal for him, but it’s okay, too. If you do decide to date him again, you should expect more of the same because this is who he is. He either expected you to be on the same page with his sudden break up and then getting back together as if nothing happened, or more likely, he was less concerned with your feelings — which is a flashing yellow light about any future you might have together.

My advice is that you can probably find someone who doesn’t break up with you suddenly, without explanation, and then expects to get back together because he’s ready. 😕

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