[Hoppingmouse]

My boyfriend of about 4 years has a bad history of posting comments about the attractiveness of women he knows on Facebook and some of the comments I think are quite objectifying, though he didn’t seem to realise it at the time. It has been embarrassing and hurtful to me. We have had multiple fights about it but in the end he apologises. After promising not to do it again he has written a post about a local celebrity which says ‘nice rack’. Even though it is not someone he knows I still feel like he is being casual with my feelings and it reminds me of the other times. But when I tried to calmly approach the topic with him he got angry and told me I was too controlling then went back to watching tv. I got angry and went home. He didn’t try to stop me. I know that there can be far worse indiscretions but I was more upset by the way he reacted than the topic itself. I need some advice and perspective on how to handle this situation.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Hoppingmouse]

I am 27 and he is 31. I suppose that there have been two things that I have had a major problem with on Facebook. A lot of the time I think he tries too hard to be witty. Once he wrote on a classmates modelling picture ‘dangerous curves’ (he didn’t know her very well) and another time a girl from his high-school wanted to come to one of his boys poker nights he was organizing and he responded by saying ‘you can come as long as you wear that cute pink top’ (which was very low cut and in her profile picture). He claimed he was using it to deter her from coming because he wanted it to be ‘just the boys’, and became angry at me for ‘facebook stalking’ even though it was free for all to see. He’s a witty guy but his inappropriateness comes at a real price. We have a rocky history where he would try to tell me ‘why don’t you dress like her” and it made me feel inadequate. He stopped doing that after we broke up the second time… Though when we went out for my birthday he stopped mid sentence and said ‘my’ when a girl with a short skirt walked past. When I called him out on it he tried to pass it off as a basic human instinct describing how great the legs were and how short the skirt was, and didn’t apologise until I was really upset and pointed out that he had never apologised, which is almost always the case. It pretty much ruined my night. He’ll always apologise in the end but by then it feel like it’s too late.

On top of all this we have sexual incompatibility and communication problems (especially regarding sex as I think he is insecure). If I try to suggest things that I’d like to try with him, he will say that he’s tried it all before (he’ll grudgingly try it once) and he gets discouraged because I don’t respond like all the other girls he’s ever been with. He would like me to be more vocal (I’m not a loud person in everyday life so I don’t know why I would be in bed…) He’s basically writing our sex life off. He admits that he doesn’t feel ‘passionate’ about me anymore but doesn’t seem to have a compulsion to change it. He thinks maybe that’s what a serious relationship is like. Could be a big part of why his comments and girl-friends bug me.

I know he’s a nice guy, and that he cares about me but I just think he’s immature and great at saying the wrong things. It really isn’t the main problem either… I just can’t talk to him about anything without him acting like I’m tearing a strip off him and being really defensive. He’s just too defensive and slow to apologise (probably his parents fault for talking down to him a lot of the time). Other than the numerous issues this causes I really like just hanging out with him. We think in a similar way and when he’s not making me cry he’s making me laugh. I just don’t know if I can fix this situation. I feel bad trying to ‘change’ somebody, but I think if we broke up he’d probably have the same problem with someone else. I know I’d miss him heaps but everything seems so hard! I need to know if we can make this work before I move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the two of you are both being stubborn. He wants you to be more vocal in bed and you won’t. You want him to stop flirting with women on social media sites and he won’t. Clearly, something has to change, and since you can only change yourself, the best choice is for you to make some changes in YOUR behavior.

If you want to stay in the relationship, instead of trying to tell him how to be different, like a teacher or a parent would, my advice is that you entice him to give you more attention and to want to give all those flirtatious comments to you! After four years, it’s possible that you’re in a rut, and rather than talk things out (men hate those talks), you need to be the vixen and the seductress who gets men to do things for her because she is enchanting — not threatening or schoolmarmish. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 😀

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