[Anonymous]

I emigrated to Australia nearly 5 years ago to be with my boyfriend as I was pregnant with our first child. I am currently pregnant with our third child. My problem is I feel like a glorified babysitter. I stay at home with the kids while he works he comes home moans about something there is always something he finds to moan about then falls asleep on the couch. At the weekends there always seems to be something going on with his friends that he has to do and so practically every Saturday night I am left alone and if he goes out Saturday night it usually means I don’t see him til Sunday afternoon. I have said to him that I want us to spend more time together and I feel I may as well be on my own (as in being single) as I never see him and he just doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me. His reply is to ask what I want us to do together as we have kids he knows we can’t “do” very much together the kids are at an age where they are a nightmare to take anywhere and we don’t really have anyone who can babysit. He also says that he knows I don’t like his friends (he’s right – I don’t) so I wouldn’t want to hang out with them so thats another reason I am left at home.

I am fed up I live in a small town and don’t drive (though I am learning) I haven’t made any friends and as I am a stay at home mum find it hard to even meet anyone I could be friends with. I have tried playgroups etc.. I don’t have any money of my own if I need money I have to ask though he can spend money on whatever he feels like. I just feel helpless and powerless and pathetic really I am a shadow of the person I used to be. I feel he doesn’t respect me and worry he doesn’t even love me though he claims he does if he loved me he’d want to spend time with me.

Our sex life has become non-exsistant most of the time he doesn’t even sleep in our bed as the kids keep coming into ours at night and with his work schedule it made more sense for him to get a good sleep to sleep in the spare room. Plus being pregnant and feeling unloved I don’t really even want to.

I do love him I just want a boyfriend who loves me and wants to be with me but am made to feel when I talk to him that i am being unreasonable and ridiculous.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you’re describing happens more often than you think. Yours is a problem that is fixable 😀 but you have to be willing to take responsibility for your part and do some work to get your relationship back on track.

First of all, stop blaming him. If you get into a habit of putting him on the defense because you’re criticizing him, you’re going to get into an infinite fight mode.

Second of all, you need to start taking better care of yourself. If you can’t drive, learn to drive! If you don’t have any friends, make some! If you’re totally dependent, take some responsibility for becoming less so. I understand that being a stay at home mother means not earning money, but you can still learn to drive and make friends so you’re not so reliant on him for all of your social needs.

Third, get the children out of your bed. I know that it’s hard, but your bedroom has to be sacred. It is not cruel for you to make your kids sleep in their own rooms. If they come into your bed at night, gently tell them they have to sleep in their own rooms, and bring them back in. They’ll learn!

Fourth, you have to start being more alluring. If you want your sex life back, take some responsibility for luring him back! 😎 My guess is you’ve let yourself go — and yes, I know this is easy to do when you’re wiped out from being a mommy, but you have to be a sexy wife, too. Start taking care of yourself again. Get your grooming routine back in tip top shape, and give yourself a date night weekly. You can trade babysitting services with your friends and neighbors which will build your social circle, socialize your kids, and give you and your husband one night a week alone!

Start with those four steps — they’re a lot bigger than they sound — and let me know how things go. You can do this!!

And please join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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