[FranceLee87]

April,

My long term boyfriend, “John” and I used to date in college, but it never became too serious and we broke off exclusivity after deciding it was wrong timing for both of us. He and I both dated around and hooked up with other people after until I told him I wanted something more exclusive and had to stop seeing him because I knew I had more feelings than he did. When I ended things, he found someone else – “Kate” months after, and he took her on dates so he could start a friends with benefits situation with her. This was two years before my boyfriend and I started dating again, and I know he at least had some feelings for her. She ended things when she moved home for the summer and started dating someone else. A year or more later, John asks me out and the rest is history – we have been together for 2 years now. However, even after all this time I feel hurt. It seems silly, but I keep feeling like I was second choice – after all, he still spoke to me and tried to get into my pants while pursuing a friends with benefits situation with her – but I never got the dates because we already were friends whereas she was just a classmate. I know he loves me and is faithful to me, but I can’t get over this mindset. I don’t feel this way with any other of his past girlfriends because they were all there before me, whereas Kate was there after we broke up and before our second try. Other girls were in that ‘in between’ time too, but Kate and I were in similar friend groups and have a lot in common with each other. She also came immediately after I ended the friends with benefits portion of my relationship with John and I am hurt he tried dating her after I told him that was what I wanted to do. Please help?

Thank you,
Wanted Gold, not Silver

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have the gold — now don’t turn it into the silver. The most important thing here is that the two of you have a monogamous, loving, long-term relationship. You have no problems — except the one in your head. I would hate to see you bring this into the relationship and create a mountain out of a molehill — in fact, this isn’t even a molehill. He didn’t cheat on you with Kate. He dated her when the two of you were not together. He did nothing wrong.

You both have pasts and he’s chosen you. My advice is not to bring this up with him. And try to understand that you don’t have the silver — you have the gold. You always did. No matter who you wind up with, they will have had past loves and past relationships and maybe even past marriages — but if they’ve chosen you and treat you well, don’t let your idea of the past become the reason for a break up. 🙁

[FranceLee87]

Thanks April! I guess I just had a hard time because Kate came right after me and we are very similar – we almost became close friends because of our similar activities. During that time I truly just felt ‘replaced’ by someone who was a better version of me, after I told John I didn’t want to be his friend with benefits anymore, I though it meant he would keep pursuing me, but on a more substantial, exclusive level. Instead, he turned around and dated Kate, and gave her more substantial time. I unfortunately already brought this up with him even before I wrote in. He told me he was being young and stupid and only gave her that substantial time because she ‘put out’ and of course he was also attracted to her. He claims he was still attracted to me/liked me at that point and throughout college, but did not want to pursue me in that way because he knew I wanted to stay a virgin – so instead he chose to just remain my platonic friend because he was looking to ‘sow his wild oats’ and knew he could not cross that line with me. When he felt he was finally ready for a more serious relationship, he knew he wanted to give me another shot to see if I would still have him. That was how our conversation went.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ah. I didn’t know about the virginity part of the conversation. Thank you for filling me in. That virginity piece of the puzzle explains why you were so upset that you told him you didn’t want to be a FWB, so you broke up with him — to protect your virginity. That he immediately started dating Kate because she would sleep with him, must have really hurt you. It probably made you feel like she gave him what you wouldn’t, so she got him. When you describe her as a better version of yourself, I think you mean she was just like you, but willing to have sex. Your virginity was important to you, and you honored your promise to yourself to hold on to it until you were ready to have sex. When and under what circumstances did you decide to lose your virginity? And are you upset that it wasn’t with John? This may be why you’re so upset.

[FranceLee87]

Thanks again April, I actually lost it to John, but only after we were in a committed relationship (the one I’m in with him now). I made him wait a little less than year into our relationship too. This wasn’t on purpose – I knew John for a long time before we dated again and knew I wanted to lose it to him way before we entered into our current relationship, but we were having a hard time actually doing the deed (it hurt) but even then I meant to make him ‘wait’ a short while since we both knew early on we were in it for the long haul. We continued to date without having sex until about 6 months into our relationship (after meeting our respective families, spending a week long vacation with him, and him saying I love you) Overall, I’m happy with he milestones we reached before I gave him my virginity though.

[FranceLee87]

Thanks again April, I actually lost it to John, but only after we were in a committed relationship (the one I’m in with him now). I made him wait a little less than year into our relationship too. This wasn’t on purpose – I knew John for a long time before we dated again and knew I wanted to lose it to him way before we entered into our current relationship, but we were having a hard time actually doing the deed (it hurt) but even then I meant to make him ‘wait’ a short while since we both knew early on we were in it for the long haul. We continued to date without having sex until about 6 months into our relationship (after meeting our respective families, spending a week long vacation with him, and him saying I love you) Overall, I’m happy with he milestones we reached before I gave him my virginity though.

(sorry if this message repeats, I’m having some technical issues)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Then I think it’s important to focus on the fact that you did what you wanted, and neither one of you did anything wrong. You both made choices in your lives and you now have each other. Don’t ruin a good thing because you’re upset that he had a past. 😉

[FranceLee87]

Thank you for the dialogue, April. I know I’ll have to let this go. It’s been a struggle. I definitely don’t want this to tear us apart.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m here if you have any other questions. 🙂

[Sally]

What you’re stuck on isn’t Kate. It’s the timing. You opened your heart, stepped away because you wanted more, and then he went and tried to build something with someone else. That makes it feel like you were the backup plan, even if that wasn’t his intention. That feeling is real, and it deserves honesty.

But here’s the part that matters. He chose you after life had other options on the table. Not by default. Not because she left. He came back because he wanted a real relationship, and he’s stayed for two years. That’s not silver. That’s a choice, made with clarity.

You don’t need to erase the hurt to move forward. You just need to stop using an old chapter to rewrite the ending you’re already living. Sometimes love isn’t about being first. It’s about being chosen when it finally counts.

[Member]

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