[marY09]

Im 26. Ive dated 2 guys – one month each, which I dont consider boyfriends; And then one serious boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. It was a really serious relationship and we had talked about marriage, until 2 months before we were “suppose to” get engaged he called me on the phone from out of town (he was gone for 3 months playing semipro baseball) and told me he didnt think he loved me anymore, its not you its me, i still love you just not in love with you. He came home 4 days later for a few games and we were suppose to talk things over and see what had changed (cause we were a no problem relationship, barely any fights, good terms with each others families etc.) Well he came home and really had made up his mind already. So in short it ended. That was a year and 4 months ago. On july 4th – great memory.. oh and our anniversary was on jan 1 great memory.. err can you tell I am still bitter and hurt. Sorry, that stuff is sort of not the point of the post. The point is….
Ive been trying to move on. Went on a few dates/hang outs that werent titled “dates”. I finally met someone that I was communicating great with, had good fundamentals in common, enjoyed hanging out with and had some chemistry with. The first time we met there werent fireworks.. but it was an ooo yea hes not bad and we were able to talk together really well and had a lot in common, including birthdays. So weve been dating for about 3 months (talked online for about 2 months before that). There are a million great qualities in this guy. And .. sometimes.. I really really like him. I think wow I could be in love with this guy. I could marry this guy. I get that great feeling inside. ANDDD THEN… a week later, for no reason I could think of I fall into a lull and think about breaking up with him. Where I get annoyed by how he moves, how he talks, how he touches me. And often he talks too much of the future. The first IM convo we had he gave me a “kiss”, the first time we hung out he said ok so when we getting married, when are we having kids. He said he loved me in his sleep after 2 months. Hes brought up questions about falling in love numerous times. And this weekend we were driving home from being out of town for 2 days with my family. We were in the back seat and he whispers randomly in my ear, “do you think you are falling in love with me?” I didnt know what to say… “Sometimes I do… but right now no, and dont keep trying to move so fast.” In the past Ive talked to him about the flux of my feelings, but its been quite a few times and now I feel bad bringing it up again. Im sure it would hurt his feelings even though he has been extremely understanding every other time.
Any thoughts? Do I like him or not? Am I not ready to move on? When do I say ok enough with the relationship with the feelings being so crazy? Its not fair to him. Do I just give it time? Does this normally happen when you are first moving on after a relationship? Are my hormones kicking my butt?
GRR! I dont understand it. Why do I like him for a week, then not for a few days and then again for a week?
Thanks for any input.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It seems to me that there are several issues at play here:

The first is nothing you don’t already know… that you may still be carrying a torch for your “serious boyfriend”, and if not a torch, then without a doubt, you still have not come to terms (in your own head) with the breakup and the end of the relationship.

The second issue is that you are trying to compare [u]“2 guys that you’ve dated one month each, which you don’t consider boyfriends” [/u]with a [u]“serious boyfriend” that you dated for 3 1/2 years.[/u]

The good news and the bad news is that your serious boyfriend was honest with you. As much as it hurt (and continues to hurt) it would have been a far worse situation if he (and your relationship) had come to this conclusion after you were married for a couple of years with children. Equally, it would have been worse if he married you and then cheated on you and/or left you when he discovered he wasn’t in love with you.

I realize that it’s hard to believe right now, but he did you a favor… he’s given you the opportunity to find some one who really loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Reject is actually a gift. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t want them, or that wants to be with someone else. It’s difficult, but if you could try to see the breakup in those terms it might make coping with the end of the relationship and moving on easier.

Now, regarding the two guys that you’ve dated for a month and don’t consider serious boyfriends go:

One month is nowhere near long enough to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. More, until you feel like you’re in a “serious relationship” with someone – and begin to refer to them as your boyfriend – marriage is out of the question.

My advice to you is to tell this guy that you need to slow things down… Mr In A Rush needs to understand that you are not prepared to rush into a marriage just yet. You need to be sure of how you feel, for both of your sakes. Frankly, anyone having doubts about marriage shouldn’t be getting married.

More, I think it’s important for you to keep dating other people …

Overall, I don’t think that dating just two people after a long relationship is enough to determine who you should marry. I recommend you continue to date other men, to see what else is out there, and to see who feels like the best fit for you.

It is very possible that dating others may show you how much you want to be with Mr. In A Rush. On the other hand, it may not. And if it doesn’t you need to give him the same gift your former boyfriend gave you… The Gift of Rejection. And let him find someone who will really love him the way he deserves to be loved, without hesitation.

This is process may be difficult, but you’ll get through it and you’ll fall in love again… you’ll see!

[marY09]

Wow im feel sorry for you… You have to read all these long complicated email so I apologize for the lengthiness.

Thank you for the advice a while back. I ended up giving Mr. In a Rush the gift of rejection. But was then driven to resolve my issues as to not hurt someone else.

So I emailed my long term ex, to get some things off of my chest. I felt very disrespected by how he went about ending the relaionship and lost as to why still.

Instead I ended up getting a text that he wanted to talk. So I called him and he eventually says that he may have made a mistake with us; but he didnt call because I told him not too, and he was advised not to bother me; and he felt like my parents and fam prob hated him so he wouldnt even have a chance to work things out. He said he wanted to just talk again, but he was afraid he would hurt me again, because he is still lost with a lot in life. He said he believed the reason things ended a year and a half ago was because he was not stable and could not contribute anything to our relationship. He wasnt here much cause of baseball and he didnt have much income or sure future.

So this was about 4 weeks ago. We started talking for a week, and then my sisters decided to befriend him online (OH BOY). My sis started snooping to find that he started talking to another girl like 2-3 weeks after we broke up and he started to date her and it sounded like lived with her.
So I confronted him about it, expecting that he prob actually cheated on me and was dating her before we broke up. Well, he said no that nothing had happened while we were dating. But yes they did date, moved in together because he got kicked out of his place (this is all in canada by the way), and they dated for a couple months til he moved back to illinois.

He apologized for not mentioning it early but didnt think it was something to bring up in the first week of talking again and he claims it wasnt a big deal. He did get kinda emotional about things, but also went into being confused about life still and money and jobs. With us, he said that he feels like i am worth fighting for but he doesnt having anything to offer still, and feels that he doesnt deserve me; so it is hard to fight for someone that you dont feel that you deserve. We talked for 5-6 hours and ended it saying that I wanted to think about how I felt about the whole situation; that i wanted him to work on stabilizing his life; and that he should try to decide if the stability thing was truely the reason we didnt work out at the time.

OK so I decided I wanted to keep talking with him at least to find out for myself how I felt about things, and who he was now. So everything was actually going really well. He had talked about going back to school or finding a job. He said he thought maybe the only reason he did baseball was because it was “cool” which is a bad reason…We went to the gym together a couple times and bowling once with friends…..

Then he gets an opportunity to play baseball in Holland for 3000 a month and a tryout from some scouts for minors and semipro in the US. (hes been a ball player since he got drafted out of HS to the minors, got released due to shoulder surgery, and got traded between a couple semipro teams. hes 26 now.).

So initially he didnt seem too eager to choose that path. Then two weeks ago all of a sudden he starts talking about oooo trying to decide between holland or the US. I was kinda shocked cause of how early he thought hed move on and do school or a job. He said baseball is what he loves though, and if he didnt try (again) that hed regret it, he couldnt stand if someone ever told him down the line that he could have made it, and that its really the only guareteed way for money right now which he needs desperately due to family isssues.

So none the less i was kinda bummed, shocked. No where in his speal on the future did he mention us. Only baseball and money. I had no part in his future, despite his desire to talk again..?

So I told him later how i felt that his life with baseball doesnt seem to involve me. And that honestly thats not the type of person i want anyways.. that i want to be with someone who is around to be with, share things with, eventually have a family with; but with baseball… he couldnt ever be certain he would be around. And baseball is unstable in nature, which is why we broke up sooo why would i want to risk that again.

You know what… I dont think when we were ever talking he addressed the “us” issue. Again he started talking about his concern about where he’d go with baseball and how hard its been for him chosing where to go with baseball.

Im so drained. I went into this trying to end this unsettling feeling inside, instead i found that I still do have a flame for him (which i didnt realize before), that he maybe still did for me (but given his actions i dont believe it), and now i just want to move on. I just want to be happy again and not miss him and have to urge to talk to him. How do i do that? Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

What stands out most here is the pattern, not the emotion. He didn’t just leave once, he chose uncertainty, instability, and his own path over building a shared future, and he’s still doing that now. The words sound softer this time, more reflective, even remorseful, but the behavior hasn’t changed. His focus remains on baseball, money, and himself, not on “us.” When someone truly wants to rebuild a relationship, they don’t keep you orbiting around their indecision. they actively make space for you in their life and plans.

It also makes sense that your feelings reignited. Old love mixed with unfinished emotional business is powerful. Reopening contact often brings clarity, but clarity doesn’t always mean reconciliation sometimes it simply confirms what hurts to accept: that love alone isn’t enough. You’re responding not just to who he is now, but to who you hoped he would become. That gap between hope and reality is exhausting, and it explains why you feel so drained.

What you’re really grieving now isn’t just him. it’s the future you once believed in and briefly let yourself imagine again. Wanting to “just be happy and move on” is a sign you already know the answer. Moving on doesn’t happen through more conversations with him; it happens through boundaries. That means no more updates, no more gym sessions, no more emotional check-ins. Each contact reopens the wound instead of letting it heal.

To move forward, you need closure that comes from within, not from him finally saying the right thing. He may always be “almost ready,” “almost stable,” or “almost choosing you.” You deserve someone who is fully present, emotionally available, and building a life that includes you not asking you to wait on the sidelines while they figure themselves out. Letting go will hurt, but staying stuck in this loop will hurt longer.

[Member]

Posts