[nugget75]

For the last 7 years, he was a colleague/casual friend of mine (we work for the same company, but not at the same office). He was married that whole time. (And I would never even think of poaching. Not how I’m wired.) The ex served him with divorce papers about 14 months ago. He was devastated, broken, sad, you name it. We started hanging out (as friends, no funny business) last fall, grabbing a beer once a month or so. Slowly became closer, sharing more about relationships, life, beliefs, you name it. I started to feel an attraction but would not acknowledge it beyond “Just a crush.” To me, separated still means married. We’d talk on the phone at night for a bit (how as your day, blah blah), then we’d occasionally text. All very innocent. (BTW, he’s 43, I’m 35.)

Winter hits and he is becoming more down. I suggested a physical (for depression) and counseling. Our talks were more personal and he needed a professional to help deal with all of his baggage. (14 year marriage to an unstable manic depressive/bi-polar woman. To say that “crazy” was his version of normal is not an understatement.)

I started feeling more for him but chalked it up to sympathy. He got into counseling, working on his issues. Our call/text frequency was daily, saw each other at least once a week. Drinks or dinner out, dinner at my house. Totally as friends–he never made a move and neither did I. This phase lasted about 3 months.

Around April I couldn’t fool myself anymore, this was serious on my part. I was happy when I was with him. I had people comment to me that I was “glowing.” (I am not a “glower” normally.) He even commented that I seemed really happy! This was Love. I knew I had to cool it. The ink on his divorce was hardly dry and there was no way he was going to go into a relationship for a long time.

So I decided to stop initiating contact. No more phone calls or texts at night; any communication was work-related and by email only. If he felt anything, he was going to have to reach out.

Well, he did. (All with a friendly tone.) Invitations for dinner or a drink, texts at night, phone calls. Then came the night we had a beer and I had what I call my “Out of Body Experience.” He remembered a conversation a bunch of us work buddies had MONTHS before the Ex filed for divorce, when I talked about wanting to find a guy, get married, etc. Apparently I am (and this is a direct quote) “Amazing. You’re smart, attractive. I feel totally comfortable around you. I can tell you anything. I can be myself around you.”

I got a little excited. I had never said anything about how I felt and he might feel the same! WRONG. He decided that to repay me for my friendship over the last year, he was going to help me find a guy. Including, and up to, DATING TIPS. GOOD LORD. I swear I was watching this happen through a tunnel. The man is either clueless or knows exactly how I feel.

That was 3 months ago. I still feel the same way. Friends tell me “Let him chase you.” They say he acts like a guy who is interested but gun-shy. This guy is IT for me. At this point, I’m willing to give this “friendship” another 3 months before I ruin it by telling him how I feel.

I’m a rational, practical gal. I have waited my whole life to feel like this about someone. Am I a total fool?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s time for you to let go of this “friendship” now. It was probably never a good idea, and I stick to my philosophy that men and women shouldn’t be good friends because one person always becomes more interested than the other. Your situation is exactly that example. He’s being very clear with you that he isn’t interested in you as a date, but you can’t hear it. He’s newly divorced and not interested in settling down, so my advice is to stop spending any more time with him and start investing your time and energy in men who are actually available and interested in you. If you need a friend, pick a woman. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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