[fuckmylife]

Hi April,

So I’ve liked this guy at school for a while and I’ve told my friends, me and this guy do have conversations and have kissed. However, recently my friend who knew that I like him told me that she now likes him and has gone on a date with him. At the time she told me she didn’t consider it a date but now realises that it was one. She also told the guy that we both like that she wasn’t interested in dating him after their date was over, as she said to me when telling me this story that she couldn’t do that to me. I think he was into her at that stage but I’m unsure if he still likes her. I am not mad at her and I still wan’t to stay friends with her I just don’t know what to do. She clearly likes him more then I like him and I don’t want to get in the way. I’m a bit upset that they went on a date and that she didn’t tell me till months later. I’m not sure at the moment if I like him any more but I think I still have feelings for him and I don’t want a crush to ruin my friendship with her. How do I respond and should I be mad and do I try to get over him. Just a lot of questions but I honestly don’t know what to do and i’m not sure which of us he likes better. I also told my friend that I was fine so I can’t really be like “i was lying and actually really pissed about the whole situation”.

From anonymous.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re both 15 and life can get really complicated quickly at that age! Suddenly there are crushes and dates and your friendships get complicated by mutual crushes and dueling crushes and dating the same person or dating someone your friend likes — and you’re in the thick of it! The first thing to remember is that it’s okay to be uncomfortable with these new relationship dynamics. If you and your friend both have a crush on the same person, it’s normal to have awkward feelings. So, try and be open about it. When relationships get awkward and complicated — admit your feelings. Tell your friend how awkward you feel. This will clear the air and allow her to tell you how she feels, bringing the two of you closer. She probably feels uncomfortable for having withheld that date secret from you, and by talking about, she’ll feel better, as well you. You’ll be able to tell her that you were hurt that she didn’t confide in you about her date until much later — but that you really do understand why she did what she did. Being open and honest with your friend also puts things in perspective. When you open up and expose your feelings to your friend, you have opportunities to practice honesty, intimacy between friends and to talk about what’s making your relationship awkward.

[Sally]

You’re allowed to be upset even if you said you were fine. Saying you’re fine is usually just you trying not to cause drama, not proof you didn’t care. And yeah, it would sting finding out months later. That part matters.

From what you said, your friend did like him, but she also stepped back once she realized what it meant. That tells me she was trying, even if she handled it kinda clumsy. Friends aren’t perfect. They just try not to hurt each other too much.

As for him, honestly, you don’t need to figure out who he likes more right now. That’s a spiral. If your feelings are fading, it’s okay to let them fade. If they’re still there, that’s okay too.

Just protect the friendship if it matters more. Crushes come and go. Good friends are harder to replace. And you don’t need to be mad to be honest about feeling a little hurt.

[Tara]

You kissed him and talked. Your friend didn’t “steal” anything; she explored an option you never secured. And the reason she didn’t tell you for months? Because she knew it would upset you and chose comfort over honesty. That’s weak, but it’s human.

Now let’s be brutal: if this guy actually wanted you, there wouldn’t be confusion. He wouldn’t be going on dates with your friend. You wouldn’t be wondering who he likes more. Men who are interested make it unmistakable. Ambiguity is already your answer.

You saying “I’m fine” when you weren’t was your mistake. You don’t get to lie to keep the peace and then resent everyone silently. That’s self-inflicted damage. You’re not noble for swallowing it you’re just avoiding conflict and calling it maturity.

You’re asking whether you should be mad. Anger isn’t the issue. Clarity is. This situation feels messy because you’re hovering in it instead of choosing a position. Either you pursue him directly and accept whatever answer you get, or you walk away and protect the friendship. Sitting in the middle makes you look passive and forgettable.
And no, don’t compete with your friend. That’s undignified and unnecessary. If a guy can’t decide between two girls in his social circle, he’s not a prize; he’s a liability.

[Member]

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