[jyeoman1983]

My fiance has a friend that is about to be an absolute relationship breaker at this point. They have been friends for four months now and I’ve given him an ultimatum. Is this right? Or wrong? Here are the details … First of all, we come from a small town and this girl is known for cheating with women’s men and then lying about it to cover for them. So their friendship consists of him going to her house or her coming to ours. I’ve only had the invitation to go with him twice and that was after throwing a major fit and asking questions. They also talk on the phone via text a LOT. And I’m ‘a nosey bitch” for trying to look at their messages. He says he’s just being a friend to her…that she has her own relationship problems. Here is the part that gets me…he gets upset with her from time to time and at one time he said to me that she did try to “mess” with him. So I confronted her about it…she said no way. (Of course) So my question is: would you be ok with your fiance still maintaining a friendship with someone they told you tried to get them to have sex with them before? And what about the fact I am not allowed to look at their messages?

[jyeoman1983]

I just want to add that he says the reason he won’t stop being friends with her is because “he won’t allow me to dictate who he’s friends with.” And that just bugs me so much! It bothers me because I DONT want to dictate his every move or who he’s friends with. He has other female friends just as I have male friends. But I’m not allowed to hang out with my male friends and he monitors our convos. This female friend is different tho beings he said she had made the sexual advances on him…it makes me feel like there is more to their friendship than I know about ):

[AskApril Masini]

You’re both right.

You shouldn’t dictate who he can or can’t be friends with. And…. you shouldn’t date someone who continues to see a female friend who appears to be more than just a friend. Ideally, he would put you first and foremost, and not want to upset you. That he puts his relationship with this other woman ahead of what makes you feel comfortable indicates that his relationship with you isn’t really ready for a successful marriage. You probably already know that, which is why you’re trying to control his life by dictating his friendships, his phone messaging, etc. When people don’t get what they want in a relationship, and it threatens them, they start acting controlling. The controlling behavior becomes the subject of fighting — instead of the reason for the controlling behavior.

I think you should accept the fact that he’s into his relationship with her more than his relationship with you. It’s disappointing, but if you don’t take a breath, lean back and really see what’s going on, you’re going to have an unhappy marriage. 😳

[jyeoman1983]

Thank you!!!! And I don’t WANT to be that crazy, controlling girlfriend. When it comes to his other female friends I don’t even ask questions I just accept that he has friends. Its just this friend in particular and I don’t feel like any woman would be “ok” with her fiance carrying on a friendship with a girl that made advances in the past. I’ve seen some of the messages sent and they were not normal “friend” texts. It seems the writing is on the wall. I’ve invested so much time and energy into him and this relationship that I guess its really hard to accept that it probably won’t work out. I need to let go and move on.

[AskApril Masini]

I agree. Let me know if there’s anything else you need.

[Member]

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