[Zerican34]

A little bit of history about me. I am a 34 Male Iraqi War Veteran and served from 2000-2006. I have struggled ever since my time fighting in Iraq to trust people. I barely leave my home, I suffer from nightmares and flashbacks several times a week , and use to be a lot worse before that. Counseling has helped, and it has very much brought back my sense of humor that was stamped out for a while. I am a funny person by nature and I am grateful to have that back.

I was homeless more than not homeless after being honorably discharged for mental condition. I could not hold on to a job not because I was not a hard worker but because the panic attacks would send me to the hospital or get me terminated. I do not blame the employer’s they need a stable worker not one that was an unknown any given day.

I did not seek help from Veteran’s Affair because I did not know that I could find help there. I served the time I could, I did not finish my term so I assumed what I did was done. Till I met by best friend I have now. He guided me to the VA as another veteran and helped with my PTSD ( which I had no idea I had till the VA told me so) . He was there for me when no one else was. Suicide from the guilt and shame I felt was on my mind all the time, but my best friend was there to keep me from taking the dark path. We were both homeless helped each other and eventually gain stability.

2 years later he was able to finally bring his girlfriend down to Florida where we are and his two children. I was happy for him because he has been working hard , struggled so much to be able to be with them again. He was not a bad father, he did send money to them every month to pay for rent , bills and food but had nothing for himself while we stayed at the VA support house for veterans.

He warned me that his girlfriend does not trust people very well so she might not like me right away. I said that does not matter. What is important is that you are with your family again. IF she does not like me then I will try to win her over or step out of the picture so you can enjoy being reunited with your loved ones.

So my best friend had me drive her for jobs and it would give us a chance to get to know each other and I agreed. ( My best friend stayed home with the kids). It took some time but his gf and I got along great. We are the same age , hell im only a month older than her so we clicked. I was happy because I could be friends with them both. We had a lot of fun on our drives together and I always tried to not to step on any of their toes to keep the friendship intact. Then it started to get a bit strange.

Naturally I tell jokes and make people laugh without meaning too, she would laugh and joke with me and we just bust out laughing over the silliest thing. Then she started calling me adorable and thought what i said was cute or how I acted was cute. I got a little uncomfortable but just let it go.

My best friend and her starting fight more and more , I was stuck in the middle and usually left if it got to crazy out of respect. She telling me my best friend is hitting her, my best friend telling me it is a lie. I tell her to call the police because I can do nothing about it or accuse him without proof ( she has no visible marks) told my best friend that if it is true to knock it off its dishonorable. It just does not seem like him at all.

Then couple of days ago she told she is in love with me and that made me sad.

For one I see her already married to my best friend, and have children together and do not think of her in that way. IF anything I learned in the military was loyalty and honor and what she wanted from me was something that was against all my principles.

I did not want to hurt her but I told her what I said above then she proceeded to insult me and ask me if I was gay.
(Let it be known sense the war I have struggled with intimacy and do not think of it often but I am sexual attracted to women)
I told her of course not and just have issues with intimacy and I am still broken. I said I also have morals.

She said “So you do not love me?”
I said that “I love you as I love any friend. I would die for you if it came to that but mentally I do not see you as a romantic love , I see you as family. I am sorry”

That apparently hurt her and proceeded to curse me out.
I then said ” It is also morally wrong. I will NOT be responsible for breaking up a family.” Then she proceeded to call me a zealous F word.
then she apologized after couple of minutes and said she didnt mean it.

I do not believe I handle this very well , I also said that my presence is causing relationship problems between you and my best friend and then wil spill out to your children and they will see it. I believe it would be best if i break up the friendship for thier sake and your own.

I have not told my best friend what she told me in hopes that I can keep thier family unit together. My intentions were never to have anyone fall in love with me , I was only trying to keep my friendships I have now. I had no idea that this would happen so I am ill prepared how to fix this.

Any advice I could receive about how to proceed would be very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the poor grammar.

Edited : For removed a name and spelling mistakes. Sorry.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

When you’re the kind of guy who takes charge and fixes problems, it’s difficult to encounter a problem that you can’t fix. In fact, this problem isn’t your fault, and it has less to do with you than it does with your friend and his girlfriend. They’re the ones with the issues, which is causing her to look elsewhere, and since she’s looking at you, you probably feel guilty and want to fix the situation, but you can’t. This isn’t about you. It’s about them.

You handled yourself very well. And while you may feel uncomfortable, you’re doing the right thing by back away from the situation. If there is a way to stay friends with your buddy, by seeing him away from his girlfriend, that would be great. And you definitely shouldn’t see her alone, or even in a group, if you beg out gracefully. Eventually, this problem will blow over, but it’s not your problem to own. It’s theirs.

And while you’re backing away, you should also branch out and make other friends besides them. If you have more social and emotional support, you won’t feel trapped because this one guy friend is your sole support.

[Member]

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