[chemmademan]

Ok..so I have 2 issues that I need help with.
1. I am a Female to Male Transman in my 40’s. I was in a relationship with a bio-female for over 10 years. I was a very masculine female when we met but started my transition shortly after we starting dating. We split up about 2.5 years ago and I haven’t really dated since. My gender status has proven to be somewhat of a hinderence in that area. I identify and live as a straight male. I have triend the online dating thing without much luck. I am registered as a straight male on these sites but I am upfront about my situation in my profile which leads to alot of rejection and being ignored. I am into very feminine, straight girls but I have even tried contacting bi and gay girls just to try and get out and do things. If you saw me, you would never know that I am trans. I am not out at work or to most of my friends so I can’t post pictures and I know that most people won’t even look at profiles without them. I don’t feel comfortable meeting girls in a club because I eventually have to tell them and you never know how people are going to react. It has been a long time since I’ve been intimate with anyone. My ex had a major drug problem which led to issues in our sex life and she ended up cheating on me with a bio-male, which in turn has led to my having very low self-esteem and confidence issues. What should, could I do to help my dating situation?

2. There is a girl at work that I have become very close friends with. Even though she is married, when we first met, almost 2 years ago, there was ALOT of mutual flirting and even talk of hooking up. I was even starting to gain a little bit of confidence back. There were a couple of occasions that I could have taken advantage of the situation and atleast kissed her and I’m pretty sure the advance would have been accepted and returned, but I respected her too much to have done that without her knowing about me first. Well, I eventually told her and she backed away a little, we talked about it and are still good friends but now she denies ever saying the things she said and says that I misinterpreted her meanings. Well, guess what that has done to my confidence level. I haven’t had any lower surgery yet and I do understand that this is probably an issue for her. I’m not delusional about being with her. I do know that even if she were to sleep with me, she wouldn’t leave her husband. Because of my gender status, I have to have a certain level of trust and comfort with the person I’m gonna be with, especially since the only person I’ve been with since my transition has been my ex. Both of these qualities are very strong with this girl. The problem is that I think I might be in love with this girl. She is very aware of these feelings. We have had very intense conversations and arguments about our “friendship”. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad relationship but I don’t get to have the makeup sex after the fight. I know I need to let go and I have tried to distance myself from her on several occasions but she always manages to draw me back in, which isn’t too hard giving the feelings I have for her. I have even been kind of meanto her and said some pretty hurtful things but we always make up and it’s usually her intiating the conversation. She keeps saying she can’t go there but her actions are confusing to me. We travel locally with our jobs. My schedule is set for me but with her position she can choose where she goes daily. She has even made the comment that it would be very easy for her to avoid me but more often than not she ends up going where I am. We are around each other all the time. The rumor mill at work has had us sleeping together for awhile now. Unfortunately it isn’t true but that’s just an example of how much time we spend together. I can be having the worst day and even if we are arguing, which we do alot, just her being around make the whole day better. She is very beautiful and everything I want in someone which makes it hard to let go. She is a really good friend and I don’t want to lose that either. What should I do?

Thnak you in advance for any advice you can give me,

MV

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, your transgender issues may mean a lot more to you than they do to other people — understandably. I hear from men who are balding and bald who think that they’re at a disadvantage with women, and are surprised when I tell them that many, if not most, women care more about confidence, success and a sense of humor in men than they do about balding. Women with small breasts can feel very insecure, and yet, there are many men who care more about how a women feels and behaves sexually, how her confidence, sense of humor and style are, much more than her cup size. In other words, what you think is a big deal, may not be to someone else.

That said, it’s a good idea to disclose what may be a deal breaker to someone else, early [i]enough[/i] in a relationship so that you both don’t get involved in something that isn’t going to work. Dating is a process to get to know someone, and you can disclose this information on the second or third date with someone — before you get too involved with them. This is also when you find out if they’re married, single, have kids, what their family relationships are like, etc. I know that online dating gives you the opportunity to do this online before meeting, which allows a more expedient weeding out process, but it also doesn’t allow women to get to know you before opting out — or in. So my advice here is that you try getting to know women in real life first, so they can actually make a MORE informed decision about you, because they met you at the coffee shop or the drug store or the park — through real life interaction. It may be too easy to reject you on paper, and less so in person because you’re attractive.

As for your depression over rejection, buckle up. If you read the posts on this forum, you’ll see that everybody gets rejected — whether it’s for a straight man, a straight woman, a gay man, a lesbian — whatever — you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea for any number of reasons, and vice verse. So try to see the rejection as a gift that sets you back on the right course looking for someone who IS right for you. 🙂

And lastly, the woman at work that you like….. appears to be, from your post, married. 😮 Why complicate things by getting emotionally and physically involved with someone who’s ultimately unavailable — unless you’re doing it subconsciously to avoid a real relationship that might actually go somewhere good! 😉

Hope this helps — let me know how things go.

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