[What2Do]

Please help. I am madly in love with my fiance and he with me. Our problem has to do with his mother. She has a home an hour away but started coming to “stay” with him to be close to her doctors and make getting to her appointments easier. This started 4 years ago.. now.. she has pretty much moved in with him and won’t go home. Well.. she does go home once a week to check her mail and then drives back. She drives. She goes to the gym. When she is at his house, she complains, needs someone to cut her food, wash her dishes, cook her food, do her laundry and sometimes dress her. Somehow, she does fine when we are not around. She doesn’t like for us to go out (we have only been out maybe 10x in 6 years) because she doesn’t understand why she can’t go with us. We are suppose to be married in a few months and as much as I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am coming to realize I cannot live with his mother. If she were a sweet woman it would be so much easier, but she is not. She is vendictive, goes through all private papers, manipulative, creates drama and NEVER has anything positive or nice to say about anyone. She is so negative that she sucks the life out of the room. I know my fiance is just as aggrevated and when she threatens to go back home he tells her he is not keeping her there, and I know he would LOVE to see her go home—-what do we do? I am afraid if I truly tell him I cannot live with her it will put him in the position of chosing between us and that is never good. If I try to live with her–well. I cannot walk on eggshells and hate going home everyday. I am already feeling like this and I don’t have to live with her yet. All I can think of is what if it were my mom… difference is my mom is the most positive person in the world and one that is so fiercely independent that she would be doing everything to help us. I love him so much and don’t want to lose the love of my life, but I cannot live with his mother either. Please help. If I give back the ring, I know I will be walking away from the one man in my whole life (over 40 now) that has truly touched my soul, stolen my heart and shown me love that I didn’t know existed. Any suggestions?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very unusual that you and your fiance have only gone out ten times in six years — which comes to one date every six months. 😯 And all this because he doesn’t want to leave his mother alone. 🙄

You’ve got a bigger problem than his mother. He’s already choosing her over you, and has put her ahead of your relationship by choosing to stay in with her or take her with you rather than going out on dates with you! This situation does not bode well for your marriage because of your feelings.

Some people really don’t mind taking in a mother in law or a father in law, but honestly, those people are few and far between. Most women, and men, frankly, share your feelings. However, they’d never go on for four years dating a man who put you second to his mother.

What you’ve been dreading — your fiance choosing between you and his mother — is exactly what you’re going to have to face. My guess is that you’ve put this problem off for so many years because you don’t think he’s going to choose you, given the choice. That’s your problem in a nutshell.

Since you’ve gone ahead with the wedding plans, and you’ve got a date only four months away, I’m afraid you’re going to have to face your big fear. If you don’t clarify your living plans for after you move in together upon marriage, you’re going to know even more misery than you have now. So brace yourself, and talk to your fiance about where you’re going to live when you marry, and with whom. 😕 Then you decide if the plan he proposes works for you, and if it doesn’t, tell him, and see if you can figure out a way to start your marriage with just two of you in your home, not three.

[Member]

Posts