[Webster5]

Hello,

I never really saw myself as someone who would need to reach out via an advice forum for love advice but what it comes down to is that I am struggling and I need to hear an opinion from someone who doesn’t know me or my partner or our situation. I need to hear the truth from a stranger, so here I am and want to thank you ahead of time for your help.

My relationship is complicated. My boyfriend and I have been together for around two years but we have known each other for three years. We met when I was 19 (I am now 22) and he was 22 (now 25). When we first got together I literally thought as though I found my soulmate — he was just perfect and we seemed to have the best chemistry. We dated for about a year and then we ended up having issues and went our separate ways. Time apart though eventually led us back together and we ended up redating. Truth be told it didn’t work once again due to the same issues. However, here we are dating again (currently still together yet it seems as though we will be breaking up soon).

When we met, I was honest as to what I expected in a partner. What I mean is that I wasn’t looking for someone who drinks or does drugs. I have seen enough bad experiences with family members to know I did not want to date someone who does either or. My boyfriend when we met told me he wasn’t a drinker anyway and it wasn’t for him so he had no problem not drinking (it was such a relief to hear that). I was happy to hear I found someone just like me who didn’t drink or do drugs and it just so happened I was crazy about him. Time went on things were good. Eventually though, he decided to drink a few times behind my back, hangout with other girls behind my back, etc. He started to become really shady yet he always eventually told me what he did (probably because he had a guilty conscience). This definitely put a damper on our relationship because one, I felt as though he said drinking wasn’t something he engaged in yet now he has started, and also the fact he was hanging with other girls behind my back and lying to me diminished our trust. The friends he hungout with were girls that he just met from other friends but that was beside the fact, he told me he wouldn’t hangout with them yet does it behind my back. On top of this issue, we also started having problems communicating, he just never seems to be able to communicate. If i have something I need to talk about big or small, it seems as though he never really has much to say about it, which is quite annoying at times because rather than just get the conversation over with, we sit there and I wait for him to have things to say or else we sit in silence which just never does either one of us good. As well as communication, I noticed his affection towards me has dropped. When we first dated he would be affection, say sweet things, flowers for no reasons, holding my hand, etc. It was great but now as time went on, all of that stopped. He just doesn’t act like he’s in love with me anymore, our body language comes across as we are friends. The only affection he knows is when he wants to have sex. That to me, is not the only affection a women needs. As well as the existing two problems, he gets mad easily, he says mean things to me at times (yet after he says them he acts as though he is bipolar because he takes them back and says “oh I didn’t mean to say that”) However, I feel the stuff he is saying is actually the truth.

Anyway, all of that entailed for us to break up the first time. I couldn’t stand any of that anymore so I decided to get the hell out of that relationship and fast. Even though all times weren’t bad and there were times we had good times, the bad was outweighing the good. I don’t necessarily blame him for the non-affection and communication issues because his parents are the same way so he must learn from example, however, i have made it clear that him acting that way was harming our relationship and he never felt the need to change his ways or even slightly improve upon them which is why I ended the relationship. After we broke up, I tried to date again because I wanted to start fresh and forget about him. I went on dates but never actually found a “winner” that I wanted to continually keep seeing. As more time passed, we somehow found our ways back to each other — I thought maybe it was a sign that we were meant to be and I saw no harm in trying again. A few months passed and things were good between us, I thought maybe he improved upon the problems that caused us to separate the first time, yet I was wrong. He was the same person with the same qualities he was lacking in. It was like he was able to disguise himself and be the “perfect boyfriend” for the first few months then it was back to the same issues that clearly never actually were resolved. I started making myself sick over how he was treating me, it kept me up at night and being sick and it was quite unpleasant. SO I broke up with him once again and figured we needed to be apart and we weren’t right for one another.

Time went on, I felt okay with my decision. I figured true love will find me, a man who actually puts forth effort for our relationship will find me. Well never seemed to find me, and I guess as though I became sort of lonely. I was missing have that “best friend” sort of speak relationship. Despite the bad, we ended up dating again. We are currently dating, and I just feel unhappy again. It sucks. I really have invested so much time in this man and I do love him yet things aren’t going well for us at all. It’s hard because I know in my head and my heart I probably should walk away but it is so hard when you do love and care for this person and have been together so long. I thought I was going to marry this man and I have to walk away? How do you do that??? How do I walk away for good this time and not look back?? I have been waiting for him to change upon his ways but it seems like we are at a dead end and it’s impossible. So with that said, since my boyfriend just doesn’t communicate effectively I wrote him an email, a long one, telling him this was the last chance, he had a month to turn these problems around or I was going to have to leave. Broke my heart to write it but I had too. I realized now each time I took him back it was like I forgave him and he knows each time he messes up I will continue to take him back, but not this time, this time I had to make it clear I am not going to come back if this time fails. The only thing he had to say back to my email was “are you threatening me”. I was in shock that I poured my heart in this heartfelt letter explaining how much I love him, want this to work, etc. I understand I pressured him with the whole month thing to get his act together but after two years what else was I to do?? I was so upset by his response. It was just ridiculous that’s all he seemed to get from the email.

However, I ended up meeting him last night and going to dinner. We sat there and you could tell something was bothering him, so he told me. He told me he doesn’t feel he should be threatened or even have the one month last chance. He told me he has always observed his parents act this way and he will follow their footprints because it is all he knows and he doesn’t know how to change it. (I know it is possible to turn this around so I don’t believe any of this bs coming out of his mouth). But I sit there and take it and let him tell me all of this, however, as he is telling me this all I hear is his needs, not once did he say anything about my needs to feel happy in this relationship. I suggested we try counseling but that idea did not go over well. He said he would never go and if we have to go at such a young age then maybe our relationship isn’t worth saving. I disagreed because I feel as though it might be healthy to go to counseling and hear someone tell us who is in the right or the wrong and how to fix it but he said no. That upset me because I don’t know what to do anymore, I am lost and confused and can’t handle this relationship all by myself anymore. As the conversation continued, I tried to tell him I love him and that I won’t walk away as long as we try hard to get this relationship on track (I am committed to helping him and making this work because I love him and if we fixed these issues we could probably have a fulfilling relationship). But, as I am telling him this, he says he has things he wants to tell me that he wants out of this relationship. He totally overlooks what is going on to tell me more about his needs and wants so I allow him to tell me. The first was, he wants more time with his friends even if it happens to be on one of “our days”. This was heartbreaking to hear, he is asking for more time away from me in a sense. To add a little more detail to this, my boyfriend’s career is in computer networking, he works five days a week from 6pm to 6am. The timeframe in which he works is difficult, on top of that I have my own job which I try my best to alter around his so we can have somewhat similar hours so I am able to see him. As for now I see him maybe 15 hours a week. That’s all. Now he wants more time away so he can hangout with his friends which to me isn’t fair because how can we have a relationship with even more time apart???? He told me yesterday he wants one whole day of “our days” for his friends and I was just shocked. I couldn’t believe he was okay with this. Secondly, he told me he is not okay with not drinking anymore. I told him awhile back that I really didn’t want to date someone who drinks and after we broke up the first time he wouldn’t hold to it anymore. So I said fine how about you can have a couple beers with the guys to “fit in” like he says but please don’t exceed a couple. Well he doesn’t like that idea, he told me last night he doesn’t want a limit he wants to drink as much as he wants and doesn’t want me to have a say in it anymore. This just infuriated me because he knows my family problems and how I feel strongly about alcohol. I tried to compromise with him because I love him and figured if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to save our relationship. But now he is just changing all together and not for the good. I feel as though I am being controlled and he wants what he wants. period. He doesn’t care about my needs or wants and just wants everything his way. I am feeling crushed. After last night, I feel so sad and hurt. I don’t know what to do. I think it’s time to break up with him but I don’t know. He keeps texting me today apologizing and saying he doesn’t mean anything he said last night (like he always does) but he did say all that he said and whether he meant it or not he still said it. I just need advice. Is this something we will actually get past? or is it time for him to become part of my past, permanently?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not that into you. You’re doing your best to spin reality so that there’s some shred of a chance. There isn’t. Time for you to move on. If you don’t, he will.

[Webster5]

You think if I don’t leave him, he will leave me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He already has. He’s cheated on you. He’s lied to you. He’s wanting more time away from you and he’s articulating that. You’re responding by giving him ultimatums (which is always the way to end a relationship). He’s not really yours…. he’s trying to do his own thing without you. Besides, he’s not who [i]you[/i] want. You’re stuck on the concept of controlling the relationship and forcing it to be something it’s not. Your idea of “working” on the relationship is not going to bring you happiness, because he doesn’t want what you want. You have nothing to work towards, together. You’d be happier if you let go and recognized who he is, who he wants to be, and the incompatibility between the two of you. Go back to focusing on who you want in your life, what kind of relationship you want, how you want to feel about a man…. and then go find him, because this boyfriend is not your Mr. Right. 😉 He’s still out there.

[Member]

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