[RWO]

Hi, ok I am a 19 year old guy; I need advice from a woman as men seem to come out with bad advice for my situation. My girlfriend and I have been going out for 20 months and I am madly in love with her. Despite being so young and only having been out with her, she is my other half and life without her seems unthinkable.
To understand some of her actions it may help to know things about her. She is very (very) smart, is also 19 (only 8 days younger!), is very shy, stubborn (can be good and bad), lacks confidence (I try my best to reassure her) and competitive.
About 2 months ago we broke up (we got back together the next day), as she said she was unhappy. Things were not great. We live a 20 minute train journey away from each other as we are at university so we only saw each other 2 days a week. I guess I was too clingy when we were apart and it caused unnecessary arguments, but when we were together it seemed like she was getting less and less happy no matter how much I tried to make her happy. It eventually made us both awkward and she ended it with me saying she just didn’t know how she was feeling. She just didn’t seem to make any sense in the other things she was saying though. Things like you deserve better than me and things like that implying she doesn’t think I do love her as she’s the only relationship I have had when this didn’t matter to me, she did make me happy when she was actually there with me. So I believed that she was just unhappy with my insecurity and this could be making her unsure? I went to see her the morning after and told her my feelings and we agreed we needed to be more independent in order to enjoy each other more and got back together.
Things seem to be improving; we are having regular talks about our feelings, and are trying to resolve issues like her feeling trapped at times. We are becoming more independent (in a good way not drifting apart), and she seems to be getting happier again. Part of me feels she is realising that she made a mistake by thinking of throwing away what we have (sounds awful this question but is the only way I can think to describe it)? Her parents, who I get on with really well, seem to be saying things around her like, “your boyfriends so nice Lauren” which makes me think she has told her parents about what happened but she hasn’t said so, and that they have told her something along these lines, am I reading into this too much? Her parents are planning a holiday for next summer and she has invited me and is talking about me going with them quite often implying she thinks we will still be together, I think?
There are still a lot of issues for us though. Firstly, I’m having issues of trust. I am quite an insecure person, and I always worry about her feelings towards me. It was one of the issues we had which we are working on because I kept worrying about her feelings about my appeal to her and our sex life, etc. This made her tired and unhappy as she always had to reassure me. I am working on my problem and I do realise a lot of the time I’m imagining and over thinking things. I am, however, now having trust issues because of how much she hurt me, and it did make me think she wanted other things. Because of this I talked to her about it and said I was still hurting and struggling to trust her, I said I needed honesty, I told her I had tried to picture myself with other people but I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want it, it made it clear I still wanted and loved her. She said she didn’t want anyone else but had thought about being single. We talked some more and had a cry and I think we felt better and we could stop worrying about things that had happened. I do worry so much that she is not interested in me though because she is so withdrawn and hard to read even after 20 months. These trust issues are still there a little. I think because of our sex life for one. Sex is not the most important thing for me but it is coming across that way and she has said now that she feels pressured. I just feel like I want a lot of sex all of the time and she doesn’t want any. We only get to see each other once a week and when I’m with her I can’t stop thinking about sex because it’s been a while. She doesn’t seem to be interested in me or sex anymore and it’s like I have to I convince her. The sex is mostly great when we have it, but it can feel like she only does it for me the other times. I am always the one to initiate and it makes it seem like I’m a sex crazed guy, but I don’t think I am, it’s just hard only seeing her about 2 days a week. The fact that I am feeling horny all the time makes me come across as over keen? I am probably too touchy and talk a bit too dirty at times, and this makes her feel pressured she has said. I just want her to be passionate and experimental and want it more (not necessarily more sex as we are limited because of the distance, just want the sex we have more) like she used to and I don’t know what to do? Because of her lack of interest in me I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t want me so it’s hard for me to believe her when she says she likes how I look and enjoys sex. This also makes me wonder if she wants sex with other people which hurts me even more, I don’t think this is the problem with her at all, but that is what male advisors seem to say.
I feel like all the blame is on me for the failings of the relationship, is this right? I know I have probably not done things right and I really need some advice on what to do? I love her so much and despite what she says this is not me imagining I love her because she is the only girl I have gone out with. I don’t want to lose her, but at the same time I feel she has treated me bad to, has she? Please help me.

[AskApril Masini]

Why don’t you ask me three questions that you’d like me to answer. The reason I’m suggesting this is that you’re all over the map here, and you need to focus on what it is you want. So I’ll be looking out for your next post! Give me three one-sentence questions. And then we can take it from there. 😉

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[RWO]

Yeh sorry about the essay, just really confused.

1) How do I make her feel less pressured and trapped so we can be happy again?

2) How do I get her more interested in our sex life?

3) What am I doing wrong?

[AskApril Masini]

Your last question, “What am I doing wrong?” is easiest to answer and probably most important. You’ve written that you’re needy, clingy, insecure and have trust issues. 😯 Those are not attractive qualities in a man, and my advice is that you work on those. Not only will it serve you now with her, but it will serve you in so many other areas of your life. 🙂

Your second question, “How do I make her feel less pressured and trapped?” probably stems from her feeling that you were needy, clingy and insecure. You were probably looking for validation more often than was attractive, so if you work on those issues of self esteem that lead you to be clingy and insecure, you’ll stop pressuring her for validation that you’ll get from other places in your life. 😉

Lastly, your question about how to get her more interested in our sex life is all about seducing her and making the sex good for her. Try focusing on her and what she likes and what makes her feel good. Remember that for women, sex is a longer process and foreplay is very important. For men, things move more quickly. Women are different.

I hope that helps! 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[RWO]

I am trying to be less insecure, I know it isn’t helping us but think its getting better in that respect. I am only insecure with her, in no other aspect of my life, and with the break up I know she’s had (maybe still having) doubts so its hard to put out of my mind. I am trying to deal with it but any suggestions?

With regards sex, I try to seduce her, and I am unselfish when it comes to things like that really, I enjoy making sure she is pleasured. We have explored and learnt what we like in each other as we explored ourselves with each other too. The issue is she doesn’t seem to have a sex drive anymore. If I try to seduce her or flirt etc she just doesn’t seem interested and it seems to make her even less interested.
Is it the other problems we have causing this? Do I keep trying or give her space?

[AskApril Masini]

Self esteem comes from real successes in your life. The more successful you are, the more self esteem you’ll have. The success is all relative, too, so, in other words, you don’t have to be Donald Trump to have self esteem. You can have success because some attractive women flirted with you; you aced a job interview; you did something that really made a difference in some part of your life — I’m sure if you think about this and how to boost your self esteem you can figure it out at length. But remember that real, lasting self esteem comes from real experience — not just “mantras” that you tell yourself to trick yourself into thinking you’re deserving. You have to work and earn your self esteem. 😀 And in response to your question about your self esteem causing her lack of sex drive — yes — nobody wants to be with someone who isn’t sexy, and a lack of self esteem is a sex drive killer. If you think your technique and your foreplay and attention paid to her are all fine, than chances are it’s her not finding you attractive because of all the issues you listed above, earlier. You have to work on you before you can work on her. 😉 These issues are going to follow you around, from relationship to relationship, unless you address them. You’ve given me a laundry list of personal issues that you have to work on — and that’s [i]great[/i] to know what your goals are. But at the same time, you’re saying that she has no sex drive — when clearly, it’s hard to feel sexy about someone with all these problems. You’re letting yourself off the hook too easily. 😉

You should buy and read Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to win with women: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. It’s going to give you a lot more of my advice at your fingertips than I can give you here. Buy it and read it, and then let me know if you still have more questions. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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