[SimplyCa]

First and foremost, I please ask you not to judge. I am totally aware snooping is unacceptable, however, when one feels that something is going on… there is sometimes no other option. And please bear with me, the conversation/timeline of events is lengthy. Below are the messages/conversations I found on my bf’s phone and FB between him and an old HS crush/acquaintance, and the events of what had happened. I know it had happened sometime ago, however, til this day… I wonder what his true intention were with this other woman. I would love a few perspective. Am I totally overreacting?? Was it completely platonic? Or would you feel the same… betrayed and cheated on? Does he deserve another chance? How do I move forward?

Also, at first I took 😉 as flirty, but he uses this a lot, to every female (i.e. his sister, cousin, friend’s wife).

March 29

He befriended her on FB

July 11

They met at Starbucks. Believe it was the only time they had met since they reconnected on FB and he said only for about an hour. He asked if she would like to grab a bite since he was hungry, but she declined since she wasn’t. They had paid for their own coffees and he said he wore old sweats, t-shirt and flip flops.

Him – text 10:54pm
I had a great evening.

July 12-23

There were text exchanges during this period. Similar to messages below. Typical getting to know each other texts, what’s your hobbies and etc. Expect the following that stood out to me and from what I could remember.
-He replied can’t wait for the getting to you know part when she said I don’t usually talk that much unless I really know the person.
-Have a stress free day

July 24

She – text 8:43am
I don’t have unlimited text and running out of minutes. Only calls after 9pm.

Him – FB
No prob… I’ll call you tonight 😉

There were a few attempted calls on his part, but they never actually spoke.

July 27

Him – FB 6:15am
Hey – No worries… I understand you’re a busy girl 😉 I’m headed to Germany tomorrow… So let’s message thru FB for the time being…But would love to see you again when I return? See ya when I see ya!

July 28

Her – FB 9:33am
Hope Germany’s cool. Yea, we can kit through facebook until you get back.
take care!

August 2

Him – FB 11:00am
Hey, it’s really nice here. Having a great time… Hope all is well with u 🙂

August 2

Her – FB 6:34pm
How’s Germany? What are you doing there? Where are you staying?

August 3

Him – FB 3:18am
Great, mostly been working on the base! But, today I’m heading to Hamburg for the weekend. It’s Germany’s version of Vegas. I’m staying on the base and working for the unit as a paralegal.. It’s cool.

How are you doing? Anything new?

Her – FB 8:58am
So, how does this work? What about your job with HUD? Why are you working there as a paralegal when you were auditing in DC?
I’m an auntie! My brother had his first, a daughter, Ellie. She is so pretty and amazing. Other than that, I’m still taking care of business out here for Obama in California.

Him – FB 12:44pm
I work full-time for HUD and I’m in paralegal for the national guard and sometimes we work overseas. How awesome is that 🙂 very happy for you, I’m sure you’ll make an amazing auntie 🙂

August 4

Her – FB 9:30am
aww, thanks.

August 8

Him – FB 3:46am
What’s up good looking? How’s being a anunt treating you?

August 9

Her – FB 2:45pm
auntie- lovin it. i try to be in the moment whenever i see her.
work – pain in the ass. talk about stressed-out.
My back’s against the wall. Hope this isn’t the case for you.
what’s new.

August 11

Him – FB 12:18am
Nice and i hear you! It’s just three more months and then you can take it easy and spend more time being a anuntie It will be when i get back home, but for now i’m chilling… going to prague for the weekend Talk to you soon!

August 16

Her – FB 6:16am
How was Prague? I think it’s so fabulous you’re bouncing about in Europe. When are you coming back to LA —

Him – FB 10:57am
It was amazing! Saturday!

August 17

Her – FB 10:06am
See you! We’ll talk when you’re back.

August 19

Him – FB 11:42am
🙂

August 21

Him – FB 6:39pm
Hey u :)Are you busy tonight? Have time to chill maybe grab a soda, since you dont drink? LOL! I know it’s last min, so no worries if you can’t 🙂

August 22

Her – FB 8:02am
oh dude, sorry. just saw this. this week and weekend I am swamped with work. can we check back in next week? Thx, and glad you’re back.

August 23

Him – FB 7:41am
next week then… Thank you!

I asked about her. He said she friended him on FB (which I later found to be a lie) and said they met for coffee once. I subtly hinted that they’re relationship makes me uncomfortable, but not sure he understood since he continued to communicate with her.

September 6

Him – FB 6:55pm
When am I going to see you again?

Him – text 7:01p
Is it safe to text now?

Her – text 8:31p
🙂

Him – text 8:34p
Is that a yes?

He missed a call her from.

September 7-23

There was a couple of attempted calls on his part and missed call from her. Only talked on the phone once during this period, for no more than 20 minutes.

September 27

Him – text 7:49p
Free tonight? Small dinner?

Her – text 8:07p
Can’t working til 10p

Him – text 8:17p
After? If not no worries 😉 I know you’re working for the right cause 😉

October 2

Her – text 11:16a
Hey sorry. Didn’t get back 2 u. Work! Sorry.

Him – text 11:17a
No, worries. 😉 hope your day is going well 😉

November 6

Since their first meet to Election Day, I know he was trying to get himself invited to the election party that she had to work at. He wanted to attend for networking purposes and had even asked if I’d go, multiple times. Also wanted to try and get his coworker an invite too.

Him – text 8:46p
Congrats! Your hard work paid off;) I’m pouring me a scotch and cheering to you 😉

Her – text 9p
Awww you’re too sweet. Now we can hang out!

Him – text 9:19p
Yay 😉 exciting!

November 14

Spoke on the phone for about 11 minutes.

November 19

Him – text 1:54p
U free tonight?

Her – text 6:23p
Sorry not tonight

November 22

I confronted him about the messages I found. He confessed he grabbed coffee with her once, texted once in awhile and chatted a couple of times on the phone, but never talked about anything intimate or personal. He said she means nothing, made a mistake in keeping it a secret, flirting and should of talked to me about his concerns. Continued to explain he thought I was unhappy and that I was going to break up with him. This being his first real relationship, he didn’t know how to communicate with me, so to escape reconnected with someone from HS that knew nothing about him. He promised to never do anything like this again, to never communicate with her and wants to prove to me he only wants to be with me. He didn’t see this as cheating, since it was never physical. But now understand why I think it is. We sort of broke up and he cried for the very first time I’ve seen. But in the end decided to try and work it out.

November 26

Her – FB 9:32am
I wanted to say I’m sorry I’m hard to meet up with. I’m still working a lot and will probably be doing this through the end of January. I wanted to say this, though: I had a good time the last time we hung out, and am sincere when I say I would like to hang out again. You’re easy to get along with and nice company.
But because of my work schedule, it’s just not easy for me to make plans. So if you could understand, I’ll reach out to you when the time is better and if you’re available then, we could connect.
Thanks and happy holidays.

He said he skimmed this message, deleted her from his FB and phone and haven’t communicated with her since.

Clearly, I’m having a very difficult time putting this behind me. We’ve had many arguments since then. Although he gets mad that I keep bring the topic up, he’s still almost always the one that gives in and comforts me. Think he is trying hard to regain my trust, but I keep getting flashbacks of their interactions. If I am overreacting, how do I move forward with him and start to trust him again?

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, let’s get to the basics: How old are you both, and how long have you been dating?

Next, I’m a little confused about the texts you transcribed which seem to start a year ago, last July, and then end in November, which is 8 months ago. Is that right?

Fill me in and I’ll try to help you out. 🙂

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[SimplyCa]

[quote=”April Masini”]First of all, let’s get to the basics: How old are you both, and how long have you been dating?

Next, I’m a little confused about the texts you transcribed which seem to start a year ago, last July, and then end in November, which is 8 months ago. Is that right?

Fill me in and I’ll try to help you out. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b][/quote]

We’re both in our late 20s. Yes, it started a year ago and ended in November when I confronted him. Think my biggest issue is his true intentions with her, that I will never really know how far he would of gone with her if she had showed more interest. Yes, he did discontinue the communication because I had expressed huge discomfort and disrespect from his interactions with her. In his view, he did not consider it cheating since there was no physical interaction and said it would have never gotten to that point, since he said he would never cheat.

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for the extra information….. but now I’m [i]really [/i]confused! If you broke up with him 8 months ago, why are you still focusing on what happened in the relationship? The questions you first asked me gave me the impression that you are still involved with him. But it seems that you’re long broken up. Why not just move on?

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[SimplyCa]

[quote=”April Masini”]Thank you for the extra information….. but now I’m [i]really [/i]confused! If you broke up with him 8 months ago, why are you still focusing on what happened in the relationship? The questions you first asked me gave me the impression that you are still involved with him. But it seems that you’re long broken up. Why not just move on?

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b][/quote]

We broken up for like a day but decided to try and work it out. Still together now, but I’m still having a difficult time getting over the incident.

[AskApril Masini]

Okay, got it! 🙂 Thanks for filling me in.

So, clearly, he was trying to date her while he was with you — we can both see that from the exchanges you provided. Now, you have to understand that when people look elsewhere, it’s because they’re not happy or satisfied in the relationship they’re already in — so they look outside the relationship. And while you’ve asked me not to judge — I think you need to do the same thing towards him. Instead of getting angry and judgmental about whether or not he deserves a second chance, figure out why he was looking outside the relationship he had with you, and if there’s anything you can do to keep him interested in you — and not outsiders. 😉 In other words, is this a relationship that YOU want to continue to pursue? 😉

This isn’t so much about him deserving a second chance as it is about you wanting to be in a relationship where your boyfriend was looking for female attention beyond you, and now your wanting to make changes in your behavior to keep him interested so he doesn’t have to look elsewhere. 😎 The only two situations where that won’t work is a) if he is someone who is a chronic cheater with a history of cheating that you may or may not be ignoring (in which case his behavior will probably continue towards cheating), or b) if you’re looking for someone to marry and he’s simply not at that stage in his life and is feeling trapped by monogamy and just wants to play the field (in which case you’d be incompatible together).

I hope that helps.

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[Lune David]

That wasn’t ‘just chatting’ — that was flirting with a seatbelt on. Too many winks, too many invites, and way too much trying. If you’re with someone, you don’t go shopping for attention elsewhere. AskApril said it straight: the real question isn’t her, it’s why he was looking at all

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