[Chicken]

My BF and I have been together 2 years. It is a great relationship. We get along very well, have a lot in common and really are best friends in addition to lovers.

That being said, our relationship is not perfect. I have struggled with trust the entire duration of our relationship because my ex-husband had an affair and devastated my trust. I have been going to counseling to deal with that.

My BF knows I struggle with trust and is generally understanding.

Getting to the point…a few weeks ago I caught my BF in a lie. He told me he was going one place and I found out that he was actually meeting his ex-GF for dinner. He admitted that he had lied to me but swears that he was not unfaithful to me. When I caught him in the restaurant with her, he immediately left her and chased after me to apologize (don’t know if that is meaningful or not). He tells me that he saw an opportunity for closure with her because the relationship ended in a way that was difficult for him to accept (which I did know). He knew that I disliked her and would not want him to meet with her so he figured if he could do it without me knowing, it would give him the closure he needed, he could close that chapter and move on with me, finally feeling ready to take our relationship to the next level.

I’m not 100% sure that I believe that story, but that is what he is sticking to.

He has agreed to go to couple’s counseling with me and we have been going for a few weeks now.

He has begged for my forgiveness. He has declared multiple times that if given a second chance he will spend the rest of his life earning back my trust and doing whatever it takes to prove to me that he wants a future with me and that he is 100% committed to our relationship and nothing else.

The problem is he has a hard time with the actual DOING part of “doing whatever it takes.”

His es-wife was very jealous, possessive and controlling. He spent his entire marriage to her having to answer for his whereabouts, including bringing her back something from any location that he went to without her to prove to her that he actually was where he said he was. He obviously does not want to go down that road again.

Neither one of us wants to be in a relationship where we feel like we have to check up on the other one, nor does either of us want to be the one being checked up on.

There have been a couple of times since this lying incident that I have felt like a red flag was raised for me. When I brought my concern to his attention he got a little annoyed and defensive. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to be in another relationship where he feels guilty until proven innocent….that’s a far cry from “I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you….”

I’m concerned that he can’t walk the walk.

So my question is what can I do? I can’t just flip a switch and magically trust him again. I am a little resentful that I had been doing so much hard work to gain back my ability to trust and he set me back two years of work with one stupid decision.

Any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think that the two of you are compatible for the long term, and here’s why: You haven’t resolved your feelings of trust — and that’s not to say you’re to blame, but it is to say that because your ex-husband cheated on you, you have baggage, and you bring that baggage to your future relationships. That means you need to be with someone who’s got “matching luggage” — in other words, someone who is a good and compatible match for you with your trust issues.

Your boyfriend of two years, apparently is unresolved in his last relationship — enough so that he’s sneaking around behind your back with his ex-girlfriend. You’re enabling this behavior by saying he didn’t cheat on you — he just lied to you. 😯 Someone who lies to you — after two years of dating, about a woman he’s still not over, from his past — isn’t a good match for you with your own baggage.

Your instinct that he’s not living up to his promises to make changes is one I hope you’ll follow. Given your history, you would be better off with someone who’s got impeccable character, which means he doesn’t cheat — or lie.

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[Chicken]

Thanks for the response. I agree with you. In fact, I have often told my boyfriend that I think our baggage is incompatible.

If you don’t mind, I have another question for you.

What do you think about a person’s ability to change, if the desire to change comes from within their own self?

In other words, although I have doubts about his ability to live up to his promises right now, we are in counseling. The hope is that he will learn to live up to his promises while I learn to rebuild trust.

Counseling is something that my husband of 14 years would never do with me when I was trying to save our marriage. I was incredibly impressed with my boyfriend’s complete willingness to go to counseling with me.

A mutual male friend told me that, from a man’s perspective, his willingness to go to counseling says a lot about how he feels about me and our relationship.

Obviously I want to believe that is true and I appreciate the fact that he is trying.

Do you think that there is the possibility that we could both learn how to dump our baggage and move on together or do you feel that I am wasting my time in counseling with him?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In this case, I think that the counseling is a waste of time, and doing it together is inappropriate. 😳 You have issues that have nothing to do with him. He has issues that have nothing to do with you. He thinks the fact that he lied is eradicated by the fact that he hasn’t cheated on you. 😕 That kind of thinking will sink a relationship. And what’s worse, is that you’re buying into it.

People absolutely change — and you’re right, that the change comes from themselves, and it has to be because they want the change. But frankly, you’re not giving him a reason to change. He lied. You stayed. Now all he has to do is go to therapy with you to please you because your ex-husband wouldn’t — that’s your baggage. Therapy is only as good as the patient. Going can be an exercise in spending money and wasting time, and in this case, I think it will be. [i]You’re[/i] looking for reasons not to do the hard work. 😮

Trust your instincts, and decide not to waste another year of your life on someone who thinks it’s okay to lie to you, and find someone with character.

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