[Anonymous]

Ok, it is sort of a long story. I have been in a long distance relationship for over 20 months now, About 2 months ago I was feeling overwhelmed with life and stopped going to class for 2 weeks. I continued to go to work but I did not attend class and lied to my gf about it. She got very angry when she found out obviously, I was taking care of my problems on my own before telling her and resumed school with little penalty. I want you to know I did nothing unfaithful during this time period but I did lie and she said I would have to regain her trust. She is supposed to be moving up here in the summer but our month of march was horrible. We were not as close, you could just tell on the phone, some days we were nice some days we werent. And it was not just what I did, she was dealing with her roommate leaving before she was, getting into the MBA program up by me and some other things that made her feel overwhelmed. So we finally got to talking about our problems last week and agreed when we saw each other this weekend we would work on it or figure something out. So when we finally talk about it I asked her if she did anything that would have jeopardized the realtionship and she said she made out with some guy at a bar…what the fuck? And shes trying to tell me not to dwell on it, that it was a microcosm of our bigger issues…bullshit I am still pissed and I don’t know if I even want to be with this girl anymore…I just need any advice from anyone. She said she was with friends, wont tell me who, and said she did not know the guy and nothing else has happened…I dont know I have been burned before and I thought this girl was different.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have every reason to be upset and angry. It’s one thing for your girlfriend to make out with some guy in a bar. That’s bad. But for her to tell you “not to dwell on it” is narcissistic and hurtful. What she’s done is tell you to not have any feelings or that if you do have them, to keep them to yourself because she’s not interested in apologizing or whether or not she’s hurt you. It’s pretty normal to be upset if your girlfriend or boyfriend makes out with a stranger in a bar. What’s so self centered is her idea that since she’s not hurt, you shouldn’t be either. 😕

All in all, it sounds like she’s self-sabotaging the relationship because you’re finally going to be living in a non long distance situation since her MBA program is now near your school after almost two years of long distance, and she may not want the intimacy or the relationship on these new terms. Instead of being straight up with you, she’s acting out and pushing you away with bad behavior so she doesn’t have to be honest with you about her concerns in the relationship.

It’s a shame that you felt you had to lie to her about your taking two weeks off from school because while that was not as acute or as direct a blow to the relationship as her making out with a guy was, it still rattled her idea of who you are and who you are to each other — people who confide in each other and trust each other, as opposed to people who have their own separate lives and get together every two weeks or some such time interval and then go their separate ways until the next date in two weeks.

It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t ready to continue this relationship on your terms — monogamy and intimacy, and that you need to find a way to tell the truth even when it’s not about cheating, because people still feel dismissed when they’re lied to, even if it’s not a direct hit on the relationship.

I hope this helps you process your feelings and decide what to do next.

[Anonymous]

I tried to act like everything was normal with her, we had a normal night and a normal morning, but on the way to the train station everything felt fake to me and i told her that we arnt ok, i need to think about things…i got on the train and cried for most of the ride because of how much i was actually hurt. So when I got off the train I had texted her and said we have to talk, and said this cannot work for me, i cant pretend like everything is ok when its not. The whole day consisted of me asking questions of her and her saying we deserve a chance, I finally came to the conclusion, going against all I believe in, to give us a chance because I think this girl is worth it. So i say that last night before we go to bed on the phone, then this morning I text her asking when we’re gonna see each other again? Then when I talk to her at her work online she said she wants to ease back into things, she needs a few days to make sure everything is ok. She’s saying she doesnt want me to flip flop…I basically had a breakdown convincing myself not to drop this girl and now shes not even accepting me accepting her? I am utterly confused, does she really not want us to happen? Is she really pushing me away and self-sabotaging the relationship? If so then why did she beg me to give us a chance all day and that she was worth it?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s good that you expressed your hurt to her, but unfortunately, the clarity she’s giving you (that you’re having trouble accepting) is that she doesn’t care all that much about your feelings. She may have begged you to give the relationship a chance, but what she should have begged you for was to give HER a chance. She doesn’t see her behavior as the problem here. And that’s YOUR problem.

When she had a chance to think about everything, she’s not sure she wants to be one hundred percent in this relationship with you. If you weren’t certain about that before, she’s making it clear now by saying she needs a few days to “ease back into things”. ❓ If she wanted you and the relationship, there would be no easing in. She would throw herself into a commitment to you. But she’s not.

In fact, she’s blaming you for flip flopping when she should really be taking responsibility for betraying you and making out with another guy. She’s turning this problem into your fault, so she doesn’t have to take responsibility, and that’s what is going to be a problem in the long run.

I know that you’re crazed that you’re not getting what you want from her and from the relationship, and I’m sorry for your hurt feelings. However, you have to eventually smell the coffee and understand she’s not feeling the same commitment to you that you feel or that you want from her — or any girlfriend.

My advice is to stop acting and do nothing for now. I know that’s going to be hard, but see what she does in response to your quiet. My guess is she’s going to move on if you don’t push for the relationship — and she’s going to move on if you do. 😳

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