[daft-romantic]

This may seem like a strange thing to ask about, but it’s got me curious and feeling a little frustrated and I wanted to be able to talk about it with someone… First a little background….

My girlfriend and I are both mid-thirties, both had long term prior relationships, etc, so we’re not inexperienced or naive. However, we’ve found each other and fallen head-over-heels and are moving in together. As far as I’m concerned she’s ‘the one’ in a way I’ve not felt before, and I’m 100% sure she feels the same.

I’ve recently found my girlfriend masturbates regularly in her sleep. In all honesty, it’s verging on every night. I’m a light sleeper (She could sleep through the apocalypse lol!) so I usually wake up when she does this. I have no problem with her doing this, in fact I find it quite a turn on, but I have found it triggering some feelings of… I’m not sure how describe, perhaps jealousy, or inadequacy? Or perhaps just frustration? I’m not sure how to define it. I find myself lying in bed afterwards feeling a bit resentful because she’s enjoying that, but I’m not getting to be involved. Later, when I’m fully awake, I’m kicking myself for such petty feelings when I know it’s just perfectly natural and actually rather reassuring and nice. However, here’s the reason I think it creates such feelings in me…

I think the main reason is that I have quite a high sex drive, but she says she doesn’t. If we were having sex regularly, I don’t think I’d be remotely bothered by her sleep masturbating (quite the opposite, I’d enjoy every second!) When we do make love, it’s always good and from a couple of things we’ve done, I think she’s probably been at least a little experimental in her past (nothing wild or unusually kinky, just not as ‘vanilla’ as some). She’s had a couple of operations in the last few years and lots of tests ‘down below’, to the point that she tells me that going through all that has given her a low sex drive. She enjoys it, but doesn’t really feel the urge very often any more (presumably years before we got together, she at least had a reasonable sex drive). To be honest, we probably make love on average once every couple of weeks, perhaps once a week at best.

So I think a part of me feels resentful that I don’t get to enjoy that side of things with her very much, but obviously her subconscious and/or body still have a fair amount of desire. I’ve told her on many occasions that even though I know she doesn’t care for full-on sex that much, if she ever feels the desire I am happy to do anything she wants, to get her off, regardless of myself or actually having penetrative sex. (e.g. I love going down on her and would do it any time anywhere, and not care about having more than that if she wasn’t in the mood because I would still get immense pleasure from being sexual and sensual with her in a way that makes her happy) She just smiles and says ‘I know’ but has never taken me up on the offer, even though she seems to love it when I do that when we’re making love normally. I wonder if perhaps though I’ve said I’m happy to do things for her without expecting the reverse, she possibly feels guilty that she doesn’t want to offer the reverse and therefore won’t take me up on it even if she’d like to.

I have mentioned to her in a ‘jokey’ way that she masturbates in her sleep, such as saying “you seemed to have a fantastic time last night”. Then she asked what I meant, and I explained. She said no, she just scratches sometimes down there, but I explained that no, I can tell the difference (And believe me, when she does this in her sleep the difference is night and day, there are no doubts). I don’t think she’s stimulating herself with penetration, just rubbing her clitoris. And I can tell she is asleep by her breathing and the type of moaning. (If she was doing it awake, she would obviously try and be quieter, and she wouldn’t take breaks to snore!)

When I did bring it up though, she reacted as though she thought I might be offended. I just said no, in fact it really turns me on, I was just mentioning it. After that, I kinda dropped it because I didn’t want her to feel worried that I was offended. The thing is, I’m NOT offended. I just wish she’d share that side with me more if she is feeling the urge. Unfortunately she’s not one for talking about emotional and sexual stuff much, so I’m usually the one who has to bring things up, but I don’t want her to feel like I’m being pushy over anything.

I have been thinking about asking her if she’d help or even just kiss me while I masturbate myself (which I have to do quite a bit, obviously), as I’d love for her to be involved, but I don’t want to push her to do that if it would make her feel uncomfortable.

I’m just not sure if I should say anything further to her, or just try and get a grip(no pun intended) and carry on?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Why don’t you gently wake her and join in, instead of staying a bystander? I’m not a psychologist, but it really sounds like she’s working out some sexual feelings in her sleep, that she can’t, for some reason, work out when she’s awake. The subconscious and dream life can be a wonderful tool, so you should definitely not ignore what’s going on — but don’t get freaked out by it either. Bring what you’re observing into her consciousness and your life together, by gently waking her when it happens, and keeping the mood going — together.

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[daft-romantic]

Thanks very much for the reply!! Reading some other stuff here, I know my question probably sounds a bit inconsequential to other people’s problems, as I’m otherwise as happy as can be, but just unsure about this issue. So thanks for your thoughts, it’s much appreciated.

the second night it happened, I tried that, just gently putting my hand on hers and going with the motion and then starting to gently touch her a bit. It woke her and she brushed my hand away and turned over. The next day she said (A little annoyed, but not badly so) that I’d kept waking her up doing that (It happened twice in the night). I explained why, but her reaction was more a bit disbelieving/dismissive. I think she thought I was just feeling horny and had woken her up because of it, I don’t think she believed she was actually doing that in her sleep.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Intimacy isn’t just about sex. Intimacy is about sharing feelings and experiences, and if she doesn’t believe you, it’s time for you to talk to her, gently, and explain to her what you’ve explained here. What’s going on isn’t just about your feelings of being excluded, but it’s about her subconscious feelings that she’s acting out in her sleep. Bridging the subconscious and the conscious is a great way to know yourself better, and although it’s embarrassing, she’s lucky to have you to let her know what’s going on in her sleep so she can think about what’s bothering her in real life. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

The situation itself isn’t weird it’s just intimate in a different way. What’s happening here isn’t really about sex; it’s about connection. He’s not upset that she’s masturbating in her sleep he’s upset because he feels emotionally and physically disconnected from her, while her subconscious seems to have access to something he doesn’t. That’s not jealousy over her pleasure; it’s frustration over being left out of her inner world.

The big issue underneath this is honesty and communication. She’s denying something that’s objectively happening and that’s not about lying, it’s about shame and discomfort. For many women, especially those who’ve had medical issues “down there,” there’s a lot of complex emotion around sexual vulnerability, loss of control, maybe even body disconnection. Her reaction (“no, I just scratch”) is likely self-protection, not deceit. But his problem is real too how do you build intimacy with someone who’s uncomfortable even acknowledging a part of themselves?

April’s first answer “gently wake her and join in” sounds sexy in theory, but in practice, it’s risky. If she truly doesn’t have conscious memory of it and feels embarrassed or defensive, it can cross boundaries fast. Her brushing him away shows that she’s not in that headspace. When it comes to sex, consent isn’t something you assume it’s something you confirm. Even if the intentions are loving, touching someone mid-sleep when they haven’t agreed to it before can backfire hard.

Where I think April nails it is in her second response intimacy being more than physical. This guy’s real challenge isn’t in the bedroom; it’s in starting a deeper conversation that feels safe for her. He’s already doing something right he’s kind, patient, and not pushy. But he needs to stop avoiding the uncomfortable talk. “I think something’s happening in your sleep, and I want to understand what it might mean for you not to embarrass you, but because I care” That’s the kind of conversation that builds trust.

On her side, there’s probably something psychological or hormonal happening. Post-surgery or trauma to that area can disconnect physical desire from emotional readiness. So, her body might still crave stimulation while her conscious mind suppresses it that’s not hypocrisy; it’s biology and emotion tangled up. What she needs isn’t pressure, but curiosity and empathy an open space to talk about how those experiences affected her.

If this guy keeps lying there feeling resentful, the resentment will rot the relationship from the inside. He’s got to channel that frustration into communication, not silent observation. Don’t wake her; talk to her. Don’t accuse; invite. And if she keeps avoiding or shutting it down, that’s a sign of emotional unavailability he can’t fix alone. Sex is just one layer the real question is whether she’s willing to meet him halfway emotionally. Because that’s where real intimacy begins.

[Tara]

you don’t want to look needy or insecure: you’re not actually bothered by her masturbating you’re bothered because she’s getting sexual release without you while telling you she “doesn’t have a sex drive.” That’s the contradiction eating you alive. Her body clearly wants something, but she’s not willing to let you in. That’s not about biology. That’s about avoidance, shame, or emotional distance she’s not addressing.

You’re doing what nice, conflict-avoiding partners do: tiptoeing, joking, rationalizing, pretending you’re “totally fine” while quietly stewing. Meanwhile, she gets to maintain the illusion that everything’s normal because you haven’t forced a real conversation. You think you’re protecting her feelings, but all you’re doing is betraying your own.

Her sleep masturbation tells you her sexuality is alive. Her waking behavior tells you she’s shutting you out of it. That’s the part you need to face. You’re not resentful of her pleasure you’re resentful of being excluded. And you should be.

Stop fantasizing that she’ll magically offer you more intimacy without you ever saying anything real. She won’t. She’s already shown you she avoids emotional and sexual conversations unless you drag them out of her. So drag one out directly.

Tell her exactly what you told me: you’re turned on by her libido, but you feel shut out, and it’s creating insecurity and frustration you don’t want to let fester. Don’t joke. Don’t soften it. Don’t act like it’s optional. This is a relationship issue, not a footnote.

And no — she won’t suddenly “feel pressured” because you’re honest. Pressure comes from unclear expectations and silence. Tell her what you want: more sexual connection, more communication, more mutual involvement. If she’s uncomfortable with any part of that, good — at least you’re finally dealing with the real problem instead of playing therapist to your own resentment.

[Sally]

It’s not the act itself it’s what it means to you. When you’re barely having sex and then you’re lying there listening to her body want something without you, it hits that little lonely place you don’t want to admit you have. That doesn’t make you petty. It just makes you human.

But here’s the thing most people don’t know: sleep-masturbation isn’t the same as being awake and turned on. It’s like dreaming your body just… does things. It’s not a rejection of you. It’s not her choosing her hand over you. It’s just her brain doing its own weird nighttime stuff.

The real issue is the gap between how much intimacy you want and how much she initiates when she’s awake. That’s where this sting is coming from.

You don’t have to make it a heavy talk. Just pick a calm moment and say something soft like, “Hey, I love being close to you, and I miss that part of us. I don’t need anything wild or constant just more moments where we’re connected.” Keep it about closeness, not the sleep thing.
You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking not to feel alone next to the person you love.

[Natalie Noah]

He’s navigating a very intimate and unusual dynamic with his girlfriend. What stands out most is the tension between his high sexual desire and her lower sex drive due to past medical procedures and changes in her body. His feelings of jealousy or inadequacy aren’t unusual, they stem from wanting to share closeness and sexual connection that feels natural to him but is limited for her. Importantly, he recognizes that his girlfriend’s actions in her sleep aren’t intentional or a reflection of dissatisfaction; they’re just expressions of her subconscious sexual energy. That self-awareness is key because it prevents him from misinterpreting her behavior as rejection.

What’s complicated here is communication or the lack of it. He has tried to broach the subject gently and even participated by touching her while she was asleep, but she reacted with disbelief or mild annoyance. This shows that while he’s trying to connect, she isn’t fully aware of what’s happening or comfortable processing it. Their challenge is bridging the subconscious experience with conscious conversation, which requires a delicate, nonjudgmental approach. The goal isn’t to shame her or insist on change but to share experiences so both partners feel connected and understood.

Another layer is his desire for more active involvement in sexual intimacy, such as requesting to be included while she’s awake, without pressure or expectation. This is a healthy and thoughtful way of approaching sexual desire, showing that he values her pleasure as much as his own. His careful consideration of her comfort demonstrates respect and emotional intelligence, even though it leaves him feeling frustrated at times. The tension arises because his needs and hers aren’t fully aligned, and both are trying to navigate that with love and patience.

Honest dialogue, outside of the bedroom, about feelings and desires. The key isn’t to force sexual interaction but to frame it as intimacy and connection exploring ways to share pleasure without guilt or pressure. Over time, understanding each other’s needs and boundaries can transform what might feel like frustration into a deeper closeness. His challenge will be balancing his sexual energy while honoring her pace and comfort, and that requires ongoing empathy, trust, and patience from both partners.

[Member]

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