[Anonymous]

Hey April,

About a year and a half ago I dated a girl but we broke up 6 months after because of a few problems in our relationship (me having personal problems and not sharing them with her & her cheating on me). In July 2010 we started talking again and I tried to build back the friendship that we once had. While talking she would always talk about how things are going bad for her and how she’s having multiple problems at home with her parents. Upon hearing this, I told her about all of the problems I went through in the past year and that I was able to get through it and so will she. After a few more conversations she finally opened up and told me that she was pregnant and was expecting her kid in October.
Following hearing this news, I found out that she was no longer with the child’s father and they were not communicating anymore; not sure if he stopped talking to her or she stopped talking to him. With all of this news I started to feel bad for her and her unborn child because I think every kid should have their mom and dad in their life. I have told her that if she ever needs anything or someone to talk to she could always call me.
I know a lot of people are gonna say that I’m trying to start a new relationship with her, but that’s not the case. Yeah, I’m sure I still have some feelings for her but I have moved on from our relationship and have no plans on going back to her. I was wondering if I should be so open and willing to help her? I’m kind of afraid that she may think that I’m trying to rekindle our past relationship, and in the case that it was her that stopped all communication with the child’s father and isn’t letting him be apart of its life, I would not want to feel like I am stepping on his toes.

[Anonymous]

If I was in that situation I would stay away from the entire thing. Yeah you’re trying to do something good for her, but if she’s struggling she should allow the child’s father into the child’s life. What she’s doing is very spiteful and I wouldn’t want to be associated with someone like that.

[Ask April Masini]

The main point in your post is that she was due to have her baby in October. Since it’s now early November, I trust she’s had her baby — or will any day now. This is a time for her to focus on her child, her family and any relationship she has or is going to have with the baby’s father.

I know you have a penchant for doing good deeds, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to step back and let people work out their own problems themselves. 😉

It’s fine to be friends with her, and you shouldn’t worry what other people think, but it’s important to remind her that the baby has a father who should be part of his or her life regardless of HER feelings about him. 🙂

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot!) on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your help April, she had her son in early October. Like I mentioned earlier she has basically cut the child’s father out of her and her son’s life and refuses to let him visit. During a conversation, she mentioned that she planned on dropping out or transferring to another college. By doing this, she would have to start over because a lot of her credits would not count. Hearing this, I offered to let her stay at my apartment that is adjacent to my house (separate entrance, kitchen, etc.) next Fall 2011 so that she could finish her degree (she lives about 90 min out of state from the university, while I’m 30 min away). I only offered this because I just graduated from the same school a few months ago, its a very respectable school especially with her major, and I felt it would be better for her and her son if she was able to graduate with her degree. Upon reading your response, I completely agree that I should take a step back and let her work out her own problems and focus on myself too. I was wondering what should I do about allowing her to stay at my place? Should I explain to her that maybe it was a mistake for me to offer, or just leave the subject alone and maybe re-evaluate the situation next Fall depending on her decision?

Thank You for all of your help

[Anonymous]

From your story I wish that other guys were like you, but like you said you need to back-off and let her focus on her own problems and focus on your own life. I was in a similar situation many years ago when I became a mom at 19. Most of my friends stopped talking to me and my only true friend was also a former boyfriend. Throughout the entire time he was always there for me and I truly appreciated it. Because he was always there he was my crutch and I always depended on him. After a while he backed-off and it made me learn to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences of my decisions. But remember that sometimes she may just need a friend to listen to her problems, you don’t have to jump up and try to protect her or help her out, just listen. In the end I’m sure things will work out. My former boyfriend that was there for me, the two of us ended up getting married and have been together for the past 17 years so who knows what will happen.

[Ask April Masini]

Tell her you made a mistake and that the offer to shelter her is off the table. Make it a clean and clear message. There are several reasons for this:

First of all if she’s living in your house it’s going to be harder to be “just friends” and that’s what you need to do right now. Be her friend — but just her friend. Not her roommate, landlord or savior.

Second of all, you need to have an uncomplicated friendship with her. That means sitting on your hands when you want to volunteer and closing your mouth when you’re about to offer help other than listening, as [b]katielee[/b] wisely suggested.

Third of all, her baby deserves a father and a mother, and if you give her too much help, she will be less likely to look to the baby’s father for the help he is responsible for and entitled to pitch in with. Don’t take up space that belongs to him.

Fourth, listen hard to what [b]katielee[/b] wrote about her own experience as a single, teenage mother. It’s only when you’re alone that you learn to mature and get strong. If you keep rescuing your friend, she’ll never learn to stand on her own two feet. It sounds like she has a history of making some mistakes and she needs to feel them in order to want to correct them. Self esteem starts when you take care of yourself.

I hope that helps. I know it’s going to feel cruel to tell her she can’t live with you, but it’s important that you don’t put out offers that seem kind at first glance, but actually do more harm in the long run than you thought they might.

Let me know how it goes — and of course 😉 — follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Not trying to hijack your thread but I was wondering how are you able to stay friends with your ex especially since she cheated on you. My ex and I were together for 3 years and recently broke up because she cheated on me too. She’ll call and text me all of the time but I can’t bring myself to answer cause I’m still really upset and I know that I still have feelings for her and could be tempted to get back with her even if its not what I truly want.

[Anonymous]

Not gonna lie but in the beginning it was hard to talk to her. She too would text me and call me but when I would respond it would be a simple ‘oh’ or ‘ok’. After a while I started to talk to her again because I realized that she was going through a lot of personal stuff and it would deeply bother me if i didn’t atleast try to help her or be there to listen to her. In the end its not my job to past judgment or “punish” her for what she did because I believe in karma. Its easy for me to talk to her and not worry about wanting to date her again because I’m in a great relationship with someone else and would never do anything to jeopardize it, plus I don’t think that I could date someone that I truly don’t trust.

[Ask April Masini]

There are different reasons that people cheat, and it’s not always black and white. Getting past the hurt and betrayal and understanding whether or not you played a part in the scenario that led up to the cheating can be eye opening. I’m not forgiving betrayal, but there’s often a shade or two of grey and understanding to be had if you want to mend bridges. On the other hand, sometimes cheating is just plain old immaturity and a reminder that you didn’t realize the person you were with wasn’t available for a long term commitment.

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook: [url][/url].

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