[chrissy78]

I was dating a man for about a year when he recently fell on really hard times. He lost his job, is 30k in debt, had to move back home with his mother, etc. He told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now because he needs to focus on himself. Initially I was upset but when he texted me after he broke it off, I told him he made the right decision. That he couldn’t give me what I want and need from a relationship right now while he is dealing with all his other problems. I told him while it is hard not to talk to him, it is the best way for me to move on.

A week after breaking it off, he told me he missed me and wanted to work on things. I agreed but things have been less than ideal. We haven’t seen each other since the break up and our contact is becoming less frequent. Sometimes I think I’m doing the right thing by giving him space and letting him come to me, but if I don’t contact him he will always ask why he hasn’t heard from me. If I do call or text him first, he will take a day to reply or ignore it until I stop trying to reach out to him.

After growing frustrated about the situation, I finally confronted him, telling him that if things couldn’t improve between us, that maybe we should stop talking all together. He then told me he didn’t want me to think this was a relationship, but he doesn’t want to dismiss me either. That he just needs time to get his life together. Every time we talk now, he always asks if I’m dating someone, so I feel like he is worried I will move on and that’s why he contacts me when he doesn’t hear from me for a day or two.

He called me on Thursday and seemed so upbeat, asking if he could see me on Friday. I already had plans, so as excited as I was at the invite, I had to decline. I called and texted him on Saturday and did not hear back from him. I tried again on Monday and he finally got back to me this morning with a million reasons why he hadn’t replied. My gut feeling tells me his reasons for not replying were simply because he did not want to talk to me and perhaps he likes the feeling it gives him when it seems like I am chasing him.

I know I am free to date other men, but I don’t want to give up on this man so quickly. I believe he is dealing with some hard times and he is the type of man who deals with his issues by shutting everyone out. But it’s hard when you reach out to someone and get silence on the other end. I’m trying to be understanding of his situation and to not take his silence personally but it does feel hurtful.

I think his situation is just temporary so am I silly to keep in touch hoping once he gets his life together he will want to return to a relationship with me? Or is the relationship beyond repair and once he has his life together he will start over with someone new? Should I move on or hang in there?

[AskApril Masini]

The only way you can know if this relationship is beyond repair, is to let go and move on, giving him the time and space he needs to get his life together. If he does, and he contacts you after he does, you’ll know he’s on a good path and there’s a place for you in his life. But if he doesn’t get his life together, you have your answer in the reverse — he isn’t your Mr. Right. We all have to take care of our own business before we can be with someone else, and he’s no exception.

I don’t think that being with him right now, is going to do either one of you any good. He’s working out his life, and needs to be able to do that. And I think he’s not really ready to be in a relationship while he’s doing this. He may go back and forth because he’s struggling with a lot right now — but this isn’t about you. It’s about his need for his own comfort from his struggles, not you. I’m not sure what happened, specifically, that put him in this tough spot, but he has to now focus on getting out of it. It’s really not a good time for him to be in a relationship, and he knows it — but he’s not always clear and consistent in communicating this with you.

I think you should back off and let him get on with his life, an when he does turn things around, if he’s still interested, he’ll come looking for you.

I hope that helps!

[Member]

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